Why don't I love my mother?

[Squashpocket]

Since becoming a mother, I keep dwelling on the fact that I don't properly love my mother and I don't really know why.

It's affecting my life quite significantly.

I know some facts about my childhood, which I've tended to fixate on as being the problem e.g.

My mum worked full time from the time I was 3 months old and I had a series of nannies - so as a result I initially cut down my hours and then ultimately gave up work to be a SAHM.

I don't have many memories of my mother doing things with me as a child - so I've tried to fill my children's days with activities (which has backfired massively as now the eldest can't entertain himself at all).

I don't remember my mother being very maternal e.g. cooking for me, packing my school bag, comforting me if I cried. No memories of day to day practical or emotional support. So I've done my best to do those things, although I have no blueprint to follow, so no idea if I'm getting it right.

My childhood was good - I always had nice holidays, masses of extra curricular activities, toys, pets, friends round to play. I wasn't deprived in any way, so I can't figure out why I just don't love my mother that much. It's really scary.

Can anyone relate? Or offer any insight as to what might have happened so I can stop it happening to me and my dc?

Sounds like your childhood WAS deprived in some ways: affection, attention, practical support.

Was your father around?

Counselling might help? Or some of the reading on the Stately Homes threads.

My mum was a SAHM. I was never looked after by anyone but her. I found that claustrophobic.

She was controlling in the extreme. Quite cruel and nasty and slapped me for very little.

We were very poor. No holidays. No nice clothes. I was embarrassed of my clothes and hate looking at photos of myself as a teenager.

In terms of possessions a had a crappy cassette tape Walkman and some old tapes and she rarely bought me batteries for it. I asked for a battery charger and rechargeable batteries for my birthday once so I could use it.

I felt as if she took care of me bodily in terms of feeding and clothing but there was no emotional support. On fact I supported her emotionally.

Some people are just never satisfied with what they have.

Does she have difficulties connecting with others OP? My mother found all interpersonal relationships hard. I found having a child made me look back at my own childhood 💐

Dozer yes he was around - he retired when I was 8 and was then my primary carer from then on.

I've looked at the stately homes thread, but everyone there seems to have terrible experiences with narcissistic parents and outright abuse, which I have never experienced at all. Neither of my parents have ever verbally or physically abused me.

I am the same. It’s could be because you didn’t form an attachment to your mother, especially if she was quite absent. I never attached to mine and honestly feel absolutely nothing for her. I don’t recognise her as blood.

Look up early attachment and Mary Ainsworth’s studies.

squash if you feel that it's prominent in your thoughts then perhaps some counselling would help? It would give you the time and space to tease out the issues. Were you close to your dad at all?

Maybe emotionally unavailable? Distant?

Most parents do their best. I find these threads very sad where blame is apportioned - almost always to the mother, not the father - for posters not having the ideal childhood.

OP doesn't remember her mother doing things with her, yet says she had a good childhood with friends around and loads of extra-curricular activities. (Having play dates can be loads of work and stress for the hosting parent!)

Maybe OP and her DM just don't get on. Whether it's different personalities or resentment at perceived poor parenting, who knows. At some point adults have to take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviour, and that includes how they parent their children.

OP - if your DM told you directly that she knows she didn't get it all right, and worked full time so that you would have your nice things, and is sorry - would you feel differently?

How do you feel about your father? What’s your relationship like with them?

Counselling might help. It's hard if your own mother hasn't modelled good parenting, makes it difficult for you to know what to do with your own children. Great that you've recognised this. I think it sounds like you weren't securely attached to your own mother.

I can relate to how you're feeling. There was never any physical contact from my mum, no hugs and kisses. I can't even remember her reading me and my sister bedtime stories. Dad was a distant firgure, first working long hours locally and then overseas so i have no real relationship with him either.

I've often thought I would benefit from counselling but i wouldn't know where to start

With my own children I feel i've just found my way. My DD has a lot of anxiety issues and quite often i can be found laying down next to her in her bed while she talks/cries it all out. Even though she and her brother are both in their teens we still do things together.

Are you in contact with your parents now? How are they with your DC? Are they hands on grandparents?

Are you expecting to feel the same love for your mother as you do for your child? If so, I don't think it works like that.

Also remember that memories fade. If I try to think of my mother making me packed lunch but she must have because my school had no other meal options.

I held quite a few things against my mother for a long time then I realized that she did lots of other wonderful things for me even if they weren't the ones I wished she had.

I never actually read it but a friend recommended 'The fuck you up' when I told her about my feelings towards my mum. Apparently it helps.

See I'm not dissatisfied with my childhood - I think I had lots of wonderful things and experiences and no obvious negative ones. So why don't I feel like I love my mother? As a mother, that scares the shit out of me.

I would say neither my mother nor my father hugged me much, never kissed me, never said they loved me (and they facilitated the activities and play dates by having my nanny take me to them btw, they were not there).

My dad retired when I was 8 and was my main carer from then on. Had autism been a thing in his day, he would definitely have had a diagnosis of Aspergers, so he was poor with emotions and the social side of things. He died recently, which has precipitated a lot of these feelings.

My mother doesn't have any social issues - she has lots of friends and is very outgoing. I do think she suffers from a lack of empathy, but not to an unusual degree.

And to answer a pp, I am in very close contact with my mother and she is a good grandparent. She is very good with other children or grown up children in our family, it's only me she has a blind spot with. I suppose she just didn't bond with me as a child or something.

The things you mention do sound like the types of things to affect a DC negatively.

You had a parent AH AND a nanny? That’s unusual.

It sounds like you have no particular reason to love your mother. You weren't close when you were growing up because she kept her distance from you.

You don't HAVE to love your mother. It doesn't sound as if you have hugely negative feelings towards her either. Your attitude towards her sounds appropriate, in terms of the relationship you have had with her.

I don't think this is something you need to feel guilty about, and I don't think this is something you need to worry will happen with your own kids (because your involvement with their childhood is very different). But if you find yourself dwelling on it, perhaps seek counselling?

Parents often have unrealistic expectations of their parents that they don't expect of themselves.

You don't remember her making you're lunch boxes or packing your school bag.

What parent honesty enjoys that utter humdrum drudgery?!

*your

Dozer I had nannies until I was 8 and then my dad took over as primary carer.

It can be very hard to work out what was missing on your own. I real think counselling would help you name the loss that you’re feeling here and process it. That would be a great gift to you and your children.

I think that’s unfair. OP seems to be reflecting on different ways her mother/parents could’ve shown love and affection, eg practical stuff, but didn’t. Except providing financially and material things / good (?) childcare.

I had nannies until I was 8 and then my dad took over as primary carer.

But if your mum had given up work, would you have stopped loving your dad because he worked and wasn't your carer?

Yes, I'm just trying to figure out what it was that was missing or not right, so I can fix it. I can't pin point any one thing and I don't have massive negative feelings about my childhood, or actually my parents really. I don't love my mother, but I don't hate her either. I suppose it's how you would feel about an acquaintance or colleague, which is a bit sad.

I haven't posted on the stately homes thread or sought counselling because I'm aware of how lucky I am and I'm not really looking for sympathy. I just don't want my children to feel this way about me.

Your mother didn't show you any love or affection, so it's not at all surprising that you don't feel love or affection towards her.

Did you ever try to behave affectionately towards her? If so how did she respond?

Were emotions discussed at all? Did you feel that your parents were interested in you, proud of you, wanted you to succeed and be happy?

It sounds like an emotionally cold childhood tbh

MyuMe - completely honestly? Probably not. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what a mother is or should be, but I feel I have a special place in my children's lives which no one else can fill. Maybe I'm wrong.