Why don't I love my mother?

[Squashpocket]

Since becoming a mother, I keep dwelling on the fact that I don't properly love my mother and I don't really know why.

It's affecting my life quite significantly.

I know some facts about my childhood, which I've tended to fixate on as being the problem e.g.

My mum worked full time from the time I was 3 months old and I had a series of nannies - so as a result I initially cut down my hours and then ultimately gave up work to be a SAHM.

I don't have many memories of my mother doing things with me as a child - so I've tried to fill my children's days with activities (which has backfired massively as now the eldest can't entertain himself at all).

I don't remember my mother being very maternal e.g. cooking for me, packing my school bag, comforting me if I cried. No memories of day to day practical or emotional support. So I've done my best to do those things, although I have no blueprint to follow, so no idea if I'm getting it right.

My childhood was good - I always had nice holidays, masses of extra curricular activities, toys, pets, friends round to play. I wasn't deprived in any way, so I can't figure out why I just don't love my mother that much. It's really scary.

Can anyone relate? Or offer any insight as to what might have happened so I can stop it happening to me and my dc?

@Squashpocket - I hear you. I felt wrong for years. It must have been me, surely?

I stepped up my therapy when my son was born. I remember saying to a friend of mine in the field that "I need to open my eyes so he doesn't have to close his."

It’s the lack of affection/attention op.

Hugs and affectionate touch and words do shape our relationship with our parents

Do you hug and kiss yohr kids or do you find it difficult ? Do you tell them you love them dearly every night ?

Perhaps your dads lack of social skills rubbed off on your mother that she found it difficult to express feelings as she felt a bit rejected ?

Thanks so much for this thread, makes me feel much less alone.

For me my issue is a feeling that my mum has an idea of who I am in her own head, but it isn't actually who I am in real life. Almost like the little girl I was grew up and took a different path to the one she did/the path she thought I'd take.

She tells her friends about me and my kids and all the things she does with us/for us, but it's just not true. We're like characters in her life, not actual people.

I know my kids are ambivalent about her and so am I. Feel shit about it, to be honest, but also angry at the whole thing.

OP if you read up Why Love Matters and Secure Attachment you might see the links. Everything in your first post is enough to explain why you feel what you do. Despite feeling you had a great childhood, the child in you was emotionally neglected and deprived of the nurture and love we need. That doesn't mean you didn't get other needs met though, not trying to put down your parents.

Agreed @Friendsofmine that is a fab book. Great for healing, accepting not blaming and moving in to be the parent you want to be.

What @Friendsofmine said. While you had all you basic physical needs met as a child, your emotional needs were lacking. Look up childhood emotional neglect - I'm reading 'Running on empty' at the moment which explains the damage caused growing up experiencing this.

squash if there's one thing I've learned through years of therapy and now being a parent - our children's feelings reflect back to us, how we have treated them.

We are preprogrammed to love our parents. It doesn't take much to trigger a huge outpouring of love from a child. But without that trigger, it might not happen - it varies from person to person.

I don't want to go down the road of saying they were abusive, I don't think it's necessary. They gave you stability and the material things in a good way. Some families came from a very unemotional culture. But if you feel no love now, there's a reason; they didn't act towards you in a way that triggered that so-very-primed outpouring of love. (No comfort if you cried is a big No, actually)

Don't blame yourself. It's hard when you see apparently-loving maternal relationships all around. But by nature, you reflect back what you got when you were small. It just is what it is.

Main thing is to actively show love to your son now. Somehow I'm quite certain you do.

OP, very gently, emotional neglect is abuse.

It took me many years to figure out something was wrong. The first inkling was Uni. Seeing other mums' friends.

Then it was when I was pregnant both times. Very very little emotional support.

As I raised mine, I knew that I had to get to the bottom of why she behaved like age did. She was affectionate when i was small but that waned over the years. She was physically controlling. Then as i went through puberty, she became sexually controlling. That continued all through my adulthood. Even questioning me at 40 on what i did in the bedroom.

When i politely explained it was none of her business - its private - she went bat shit on me. I'm evil, bad, wicked. A grown mum of two!

Of course she's a narc. And not a very clever one at that.

She sees me as an extension of herself. She is controlling. She would slap me, pull my bunches, chase me round the house, even at times, houge the backs if it hands with her nails.

Once, she held me down as my dad, Patrinarc, took a scalpel to my foot. I had nightmares of walking barefoot on glass for years after.

In the words of Larkin, 'They fuck you up, yer mum and dad'

Yes. I can absolutely relate. My mother also went back to worth when I was 3 months old and also left my father for another man in my early teens so I was much closer to my father. We have a good relationship now, and she helps me financially a lot now I’m a mother myself, which is very kind of her.

I do love her, but not in the way I think other people love their parent’s if that makes sense? It almost feels a bit strained. And i feel dreadfully guilty for that. I think fundamentally we are very different people, but the few similarities we have are the irritating bits that wind each other up.

I think you're being brave and emotionally open to question yourself as a mother, and also I don' think you should minimise the effect of emotional neglect on a child (the impact of which you have felt from your own childhood, as it's what you are describing here), which is huge and most of us experienced this to one extent or another. We were brought up in a time when it was unusual to question the long term effects of anything on children. I feel similarly about my Mum, and I feel guilty and horrible about it, but the fact is, there is no emotional bond there as I just wasn't attached to her, she froze me out for reasons I may never understand. Probably due to her childhood. I have a relationship with her now but I don't think I will ever be able to freely talk about her in a loving way, even though I tell her I love her. I can't feel what isn't and wasn't there.

This thread has been playing on my mind. As I said upthread I have a strained relationship with my mother and don't feel able to love her.

I think and hope I've created a different relationship between DS and I. I've worked hard on myself and giving him a happy, secure, loving home.....

However he's now almost a teenager and I can see he no longer wants us to be as close as we've been in the past. He's growing up, I know this is normal and I want to support him through this but in an appropriate way so I've backed off from physical affection (hugs), and things like tucking him in at night and telling him often that I live him.

Do posters on this thread think this is now the right thing to do? It seemed clearly right to me, but the many many posts about a lack of affection and love have made me feel a bit doubtful.

I don't want to smother my teen but I want him to know he's loved dearly for who he is and that I'll always be his rock and have his back.

@peoplepleaser1

I hear you. But what is the question you are asking?

I do want to help.

@75Renarde thank you for trying to help and sorry that I wasn't clear.

What I'm asking is if it's best to step back the physical affection (hugs etc), and other things like telling DC that you love them, tucking in at night etc. As they become older?

DS who is almost 13 no longer likes me to hug him, and is growing
in independence, so I've backed off this stuff. However reading about the importance of physical and verbal demonstrations of love on this thread have made me doubt myself a bit.

I'm no expert but I think the important bit is about reciprocal responses. A mother who is responding with love to her needy child is acting reciprocally. Later, as a child needs their space, then respond to that need appropriately. Always be open to communications. Always let them know where you are (that you love them, want to hear what's on their minds etc). 'Hold on to your kids' by Gabor Mate deals with just this age group. From memory the advice is : Maintain attachment through important moments in the day - at the welcome and goodbye points. Reconnect with exclusive together activities. Keep weekends and evenings for family time only.

How was your mother brought up? Did she learn how to be a mum from her mum?

My mum didn't, and had to be very self-sufficient, very early, living in a refuge at 16. (My grandmother on that side didn't speak the same language as my great-grandmother, it was passed down multiple generations!) In any case I can see why she was so fucked up and can't hold it against her really (now as an adult!).

When I was little, my mum was a working single parent; I was looked after by various relatives and childminders. Then she remarried and quickly had two small babies which left her quite busy. She was not affectionate, used to get angry pretty fast. Not easy to like. I don't have loving feelings when I think about her especially. But when she dies I won't just feel a bit sad like you would with an acquaintance.

I had a lot more time with my own children and managed better - they claim to be reasonably satisfied at least (now as adults). We never had many clashes. However, most annoyingly, I used to read stories and sing to them every night until the youngest was 9, but they can't remember me doing it! They do remember the stories when I remind them, but claim not to remember the songs. I've taken to actually telling them about the nice stuff I did to make sure they appreciate it :)

(When a child cries, my mum makes disapproving comments to them suggesting that they are attention-seeking. It took having my own children for me to work out that it is normal for a child to seek their mother's attention when they hurt themselves...)

That all makes perfect sense thank you @AllWashedOut. I'm going to make sure I continue to say a proper goodnight, wave him off to school, welcome him home, have meals together as much as possible and hang onto the stuff we can do together plus maybe seek out some more things if I can.

I don't want to smother him, but I want him to know I'm here, and I care- it's a case of finding a balance. I don't have any compass for this- by the time I was 12 my mum had an enormous alcohol problem, a vicious tongue and I was scared of her- I stayed out of her way as much as I could and it suited me when she left me to it.....

Gotcha @peoplepleaser1

I'm a teacher, most of my experience is with teaching boys.

It is striking the difference between the year 8s and 9s. They shoot up, overnight. Behaviour changes. 9s can be controllable. 10s are a nightmare, generally. 11s usually have their heads screwed on. This was of course, a Grammer school.

I honestly think that boys really do have it worse at school.

I know you must be in pain because you still see your teenager as the toddler you knew.

In my opinion, the very best thing you can do is let him know you love him and DO NOT let him get away with any shit. Because he will try it. Smack it down. He will test your boundaries. And he needs a strong, female example.

I know from my own intimate dealings with men, the SHIT they get up to when at that age is breathtaking. Not all men but the ones I like to know got up to allsorts. And largely, they keep it hidden. Very hidden.

I have a few key questions I always ask partners. But when I ask these questions I make it clear that there are no right or wrong answers.

Then they sing like canaries. Prostitutes, porn, porn scrapbooks (that's a good un). Men HIDE their true natures from women all the time. And ALL men use porn. If they say otherwise, frankly, they are liars.

Men, most men, are intensely sexual creatures in a way women usually aren't. There is a lot of internalised shit going on. I say this as a sex and kink educator.

But for gawds sake, have the condom talk. Or just throw them at them in the middle of a family meal. That will do the trick!

Perhaps not do that!

He will always be your little man.

I know its hard when all you want to do is hold them. And, when puberty is done, it will change again.

He will always be your little boy. Just be there for him.

Perhaps your mum was doing the best she could in the circumstances, OP. It sounds like in this case that you need to reconnect with her as an adult and reconcile your childhood and your own parenting, which will not be perfect either. What was her childhood like? Talk to her about that. You acknowledge you have already made mistakes as a parent, we all do (this is not to excuse abuse and neglect). I don't think this is a case of needing to go to the Stately Homes thread and look for problems that may not be there. There is nothing wrong with you, it's another stage of maturity, moving into being a parent yourself then re-evaluating the parenting you had.

Sounds like you just had an overly structured childhood which is why I have never done that with my children. Some kids have so many planned activities that they never get a spare moment of down time or time for hugs etc. All child research points to the fact that it causes harm yet parents blindly keep doing it.

This is very similar to me. I feel my mother had very little maternal love. I have a few images of her playing a game with me when I was little. She never sat with us or played. Just did homework and left us to eat dinner by ourselves and then did the night routine. She was full of post natal depression. She was never there emotionally for me throughout my life. I've been it down to the fact that she was very emotionally immature herself. A lot of unresolved issues from her childhood. From the outside we were the perfect family. Like you had everything and more. I only realised how odd my family was when I started staying at friend's houses. The saving grace for me was my dad retiring when I was 7 and taking over as things got better. It was a very simple childhood and I never went out except interest in me and my emotional growth.

I could have written your post. My mum sent me to a childminder full time at 6 months and went back to work as a full time teacher. My dad worked split shifts as a chef. Dad was always at work when I was at home even weekends, and my mum treated me as if I was another pupil to be taught rather than a daughter to love. I know I've got attachment issues. I'm anxiously attached and I go for avoidant men.
I don't like my mum either, I never have, she was a bully when I was young and now has dementia and tells me how wonderful I am all the time- I have to bite my lip every time she says it, it's 58 years too fucking late as far as I am concerned.

Therapy will help you explore all of this properly

I think you should get some therapy. From what you say it seems obvious to me why you aren't connected to her and that's because she wasn't there to build the connection and probably actively avoided it for reasons relating to her own emotional functioning.
Having a poor attachment with your own mother doesn't mean you would have that with your children so stop worrying about that. Attachment doesn't need 24/7 attention to build, or endless quality time spent.

I don’t love my mother haven’t spoken or seen her for 11 odd years. No big major fallout I just stopped phoning her and after a few months got a letter about it being my fault as I was too independent and would push her away as a child. Oh and even as a child I thought I was better than her. She has a real narc complex. To me never a word of encouragement, always saying the little nasty comments. To the outside word oh I’m so proud of sweet kitty first one in our family to go to uni blah blah blah. Told everyone an me I was far too selfish to have children, I would never make her a Granny. I now have 4 DC! When DC1 was born she started having the little comments about her and I though you know what, all you bring is misery to my life, you do nothing nice or positive for me. So I stopped contacting her. I miss having a Mother and I miss the DC have a Grandmother (DHs parents are dead).