Why don't I love my mother?

[Squashpocket]

Since becoming a mother, I keep dwelling on the fact that I don't properly love my mother and I don't really know why.

It's affecting my life quite significantly.

I know some facts about my childhood, which I've tended to fixate on as being the problem e.g.

My mum worked full time from the time I was 3 months old and I had a series of nannies - so as a result I initially cut down my hours and then ultimately gave up work to be a SAHM.

I don't have many memories of my mother doing things with me as a child - so I've tried to fill my children's days with activities (which has backfired massively as now the eldest can't entertain himself at all).

I don't remember my mother being very maternal e.g. cooking for me, packing my school bag, comforting me if I cried. No memories of day to day practical or emotional support. So I've done my best to do those things, although I have no blueprint to follow, so no idea if I'm getting it right.

My childhood was good - I always had nice holidays, masses of extra curricular activities, toys, pets, friends round to play. I wasn't deprived in any way, so I can't figure out why I just don't love my mother that much. It's really scary.

Can anyone relate? Or offer any insight as to what might have happened so I can stop it happening to me and my dc?

www.gottman.com/blog/how-a-parents-affection-shapes-a-childs-happiness-for-life/

AnotherEmma - I don't have any memories of trying to be affectionate with my mother as a child. The thought of doing that as an adult makes me deeply uncomfortable.

My emotions have never been discussed. My mother does occasionally talk about hers. I have no desire to have an emotional conversation with her - again the thought makes me very uncomfortable

My parents were very focussed on and proud of my academic achievement. The hilarious thing is I'm really really average lol.

OP I'm afraid to admit that I think I feel the same about my mum.

I have few or no happy memories of childhood with her, but sometimes I worry that this is just because I can't actually remember due to the way my mind works.

I do remember being shit scared of her sometimes and being hit and criticised by her. She definitely had an alcohol problem at some points and a violent turbulent relationship with my step father.

But my common sense tells me she probably was a good mum in-between the other stuff. I just can't have any warm or loving feelings towards her.

She's a wonderful grandparent which muddies the water.

I can't enjoy her company. I'm in a state of high alert around her and cannot relax. I'm happy when she's on holiday as I know she's ok and out of the way.

DH is very close to his mum and this makes me realise I'm abnormal.

I worry that one day when she is gone I will feel an unbearable regret and realise I'm evil.

Hugs from me OP.

I can relate so much to this and like for you it came to the surface when I had my baby. I thought I could deal with it and keep trying to maintain a relationship, I tried talking about it (worst thing to do). She minimised what I was saying and thought I was being spoilt but couldn't understand how much I struggled not having the mum/daughter bond. I used to think it was because I was unlikeable but I'm learning to like myself more now . About a year later it kind of escalated and we're now NC. Sad but my mental health has improved so much. I don't dwell on it so much.

I hope things work out for you

@peoplepleaser1
Your mother was clearly abusive. If anyone is evil it would be her, not you.
I urge you to read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
In fact, I urge everyone on this thread to read it!

I have a really difficult relationship with my mam. The fact she is bat-shit crazy doesn’t help. I am an angel for still maintaining some thread of a relationship with her.

I tried to compensate with my DC and as a consequence I got myself into right old mess. I was trying to be the mother mine couldn’t be. I didn’t have the confidence to be the mother I was capable of being - which is to be human first of all.

Be a good enough mother. We’re here to help. Get lots of sleep is my advice. 💐💐💐

@AnotherEmma thank you.

I worry that it's is me and that if I were a good person I'd find my way through it and be able to love her.

As others have said it took having my son for these feelings to become clear in my mind. In fact when I was almost due to give birth my mum was quite unkind to me and for the first time ever I stood up to her and we had an enormous row. She refused to leave my home and my neighbour heard the shouting and came over to ask her to leave.

I wish my DH could understand. He's a lovely lovely man but he can't seem to compute my feelings towards my mum.

It's so very obvious to me that it's her, not you.
Have you had any counselling? You would most probably benefit from some (or more).

I really relate to this. I feel very little for my mum and actively avoid her. Nothing major but even now small spiteful or unkind comments and actions wear me down. But I don't feel it's worth severing the relationship but it's a relationship I endure rather then enjoy. Sometimes it's hard when everyone else seems to have a lovely relationship with their mum. You're not alone

I'm sorry you do not have a strong attachment to your mother.

You can't fix your childhood through your children. Your mother is not their mother.

So you don't need to worry!!

Ah that's easy then, no need to worry, solves the worries of every worrier everywhere

Sorry for derailing thread OP. It's a relief to hear others feel the same.

@AnotherEmma yes I've seen a therapist and it's been enormously helpful. I at least can see some things more clearly. I think I've a lot of work to do but I've stopped going as I'm much better and it's expensive!!

My inner critic aka 'mum' is hard to cope with and I can't turn it off. That's what id love to be able to do!

I'm the same as you Op I have a very difficult relationship with my mother but she's also a difficult person. Her birthday card has to be given or dropped round either night before or on the morning of her birthday. If it was the afternoon she'd say her birthday is in fact over and throw it in the bin.i never remember a bedtime story or did she cuddle me or my brother or tell us she loved us. She is a very cold person. I only saw her cry once the whole time I've known her.
I have my own 2 DD and she doesn't show an ounce if interest in them despite them being the only 2 grandchildren she has.
So because of this I've gone low contact with her. I don't phone her and she doesn't phone me, I drive around there about 4-5 times a year only.
We are not close and when she dies I just can't imagine how or what I will feel.
I see other people really close to their mums and it's honestly heart wrenching

Society places unrealistic expectations on mothers. They are supposed to embody all aspects of perfection and when they don't, there's a massive disconnect.
It's very much a product of social engineering this idealisation of THE MOTHER.
And it's also a convenient social construct to use as the whipping boy of all that is wrong in society.
Mothers the world over and since time immemorial are flawed human beings.
Just like you and me.

I can really recommend counselling; although it seems the world and Hollywood love their mothers, in reality plenty of people are much more ambivalent. My mother (now deceased) in essence sounded a lot like OP's: did all the basics required but no empathy, no affection. Having kids was the door opener for me. Now, 9 years after the birth of my first I'm finally seeking counselling. Although I've come a long way on my own (I have no nasty feelings towards my mother anymore), the healing process could only go so far. Already after three meetings, I'm seeing a lot of ripple effects that lack of care has had in my life in areas I thought utterly unrelated. It's a real eye-opener and, if you're at all curious about yourself OP, please go.

It doesn’t sound like you felt this way as a child, it sounds more like you just decided now as an adult that you don’t love your mum just because. Though tell me if I am wrong.
I think the way you were brought up was way more common in previous generations where parents were kinda less soppy with their kids and spent less time fussing over them. Some parents are not overly emotional even today but you are more pressured nowadays to play the role of the Disney mum/dad with a constant smile on your face, especially in public.
And I don’t think the criteria of being a good parent is that you read to your children every evening before bedtime (someone mentioned the lack of this from their childhood). Also, grown ups generally don’t enjoy playing with little kids as it is mind numbingly boring so I don’t blame those who don’t do it.

@peoplepleaser1 I've realised that 'inner critic' voice is not my own. It is my mum's voice internalised in me. But her voice was not her own either. My gran was a sour case of grapes. What was her life like that made her so critical of others? What did her 'inner critic' tell her? When you start going back like this you realise there are no perpetrators, just victims. I've found myself saying 'this stops with me'. The act of my parenting and self-healing will (with luck) end with me breaking the cycle of this nasty critical voice.

I haven't posted on the stately homes thread or sought counselling because I'm aware of how lucky I am and I'm not really looking for sympathy.

Many years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed I'd be questioning my upbringing. Many years ago, I told everyone - and myself (and I believed it) - that I came from a good family and that my childhood was good too. I wouldn't have entertained any notion of therapy, because why should I expect that when others had far, far worse experiences than I?

It is amazing how we adapt to unbearable circumstances, and how our sense of what was true adapts too.

What you are describing is a childhood significantly lacking in emotional and physical affection. No wonder you don't love your mother.

You'll possibly try to justify this away, just like I did, and while your mother was simply doing the best she could do, it just wasn't good enough (read up on Winnicott's idea of the "good enough mother"). You'll need to get over the guilt of admitting this to yourself fully, though - and then, one day, every suppressed emotion you have will be ready to reveal itself. For the moment, however, you are protecting yourself - just as you did when you were little. Because that little person in you believes that your very survival depends on it. Back then, it did.

Disagree, Kalifa. For a start OP mentions having young DC so is in her 40s at the oldest estimate so her parents were 80s / 90s, no earlier, hardly the generations you’re referring to. Their parenting doesn’t sound typically 80s/90s, except in Stately Homes type families!

It sounds as if your mother just wasn't very maternal. Her working is a bit of a red herring - your mother sounds emotionally unavailable even when she was physically present. My parents both worked - my mum mostly part time - but they were both there for me and my Dsis in terms of talking about our day, support, hugs, conversation about anything and everything. I've tried to replicate that for my DDs even though I have always worked full rather than part time.

Children are predisposed to love their parents, but that love can be forfeited. I am glad that you've found ways to not make the mistakes your mother made.

Snap! V similar.
I had to do quite a lot of work reestablishing my emotional foundations. The best thing I did to heal was to work on an adult relationship with her and appreciating that she did her best but had her issues that stood on the way of her being a traditional maternal mother.

Very wise words from AFistfulofDolores1. Please heed her post.

Fistful I think that I'm now confronting this partly because of becoming a mother, but mainly because of my father dying. So those events have caused the emotions to come to the surface as you describe.

If you'd asked me before these two events I would have said either that my childhood was good or that there was something wrong with me, not them. But I see now what it takes to be a parent and mine just didn't do it.

I realised something similar after having my own children, and then reading a post on mumsnet about a book 'mothers who can't love' I had a materially comfortable childhood but my dad was emotionally abusive and I only realised as an adult that my mum was as much a part of it in that she was complicit by allowing it to go on. I think for my mum a factor in her not really being able to love me - and as a result me not loving her, just feel very neutral towards her - is that she must have had a difficult childhood herself as her mother was an alcoholic. It does make me a bit scared sometimes that I don't have a good emotional template to be a good mum for my children, but we can only do our best, and I guess having that self awareness maybe helps