Why don't I love my mother?

[Squashpocket]

Since becoming a mother, I keep dwelling on the fact that I don't properly love my mother and I don't really know why.

It's affecting my life quite significantly.

I know some facts about my childhood, which I've tended to fixate on as being the problem e.g.

My mum worked full time from the time I was 3 months old and I had a series of nannies - so as a result I initially cut down my hours and then ultimately gave up work to be a SAHM.

I don't have many memories of my mother doing things with me as a child - so I've tried to fill my children's days with activities (which has backfired massively as now the eldest can't entertain himself at all).

I don't remember my mother being very maternal e.g. cooking for me, packing my school bag, comforting me if I cried. No memories of day to day practical or emotional support. So I've done my best to do those things, although I have no blueprint to follow, so no idea if I'm getting it right.

My childhood was good - I always had nice holidays, masses of extra curricular activities, toys, pets, friends round to play. I wasn't deprived in any way, so I can't figure out why I just don't love my mother that much. It's really scary.

Can anyone relate? Or offer any insight as to what might have happened so I can stop it happening to me and my dc?

I felt the same when my father died. I just didn’t really feel that much, although there was never any abuse and he was never really unkind etc. He just wasn’t emotionally available and physical affection was not a thing in our house. My therapist said - and I agree - that you cannot grieve for someone you didn’t really know. It sounds like you didn’t really know your mother OP, not properly, so it’s no wonder you feel little. She never really let you in, either by being physically absent and using nannies, or just because of the way she was. If you don’t hug or kiss or tell your children you love them, of course it’s no wonder you feel this. I completely understand and wish you well.

"Why don't I love mymother

Thank you for all sharing your experiences, it's definitely got me thinking, especially about how I parent going forward.

@flamingnoravera our mothers sound very similar (mine was also a teacher). I actually remember saying to her, please stop talking to me like your work colleagues. She now talks to me like one of her friends, which is better but still inappropriate I think.

I've realised that the extent to which my mother avoided me my whole childhood was quite extreme. I had an activity every day after school and on weekend mornings (french lessons on saturday mornings ffs!) and when we went on holiday I spent it in the kids club. This has all been sold to me as giving the opportunity to try lots of things, but obviously was intended to fill every moment of my day so she didn't have to see me.

Sorry fat fingers. Yes - like PPs said, you explained it yourself - you barely knew her and skipped the important attachment stages. Read some of the books recommended by PP.
And talk to her about her childhood and her parents' childhoods.
I'm in the same sort of situation with my Dad. My Mum (who I did love very much) died and I got my husband to tell him (they divorced when I was a kid) because I knew he would say something tin-eared (he did!).
But basically he had the nanny, then boarding school, (then was orphaned) childhood so he literally had not had a loving parent, didn't know what one was like etc etc. Literally didn't know what it was like to lose someone you love. And like you I see my friends talking about their lovely Dads and I have friends who are lovely Dads and I wish I had that. But it's not how things turned out.
He's not a bad person but emotionally he really is like a child (and more the "where's my present?!" child than the "I wuv you! And I wuv teddy!" sort) and ... it's odd, we've obviously known each other all our lives but there's kind of not much of a relationship there IYSWIM.
So I do know 100% what you're talking about.

I wish people would stop talking about their mothers going back to work full time as if that is relevant. There are plenty of mothers who work full time (through choice or necessity) and are still very loving mothers when they are not working. I don't think working full time or part time or not at all is the issue in any of these cases. It's the mother's attitude to spending time with her child and the lack of affection and interest even when she is with them.

The posters are talking about THEIR mothers, and consider their mothers’ work choices relevant. Not bashing WoH mothers in general.

(My loving mother worked FT and studied, and I have two DC and work FT myself).

@Squashpocket - It was only a few years ago that I was told by one of our old nannies that my parents - neither of whom worked away from home - didn't turn up to my birthday. They simply gave her money, asked her to buy a present from them, and got on with their day. My father was too busy watching cricket on the tv to be there.

They also came around to the idea that employing two nannies at once meant that someone was always on duty, so they would never have to take over on a day off.

I don't feel sorry for myself when I write this. I'm only writing it because it seems you came from a background where materially there was more than enough, and that's often an excuse we and others give to suggest that we couldn't have had it that bad.

I don't think working full time or part time or not at all is the issue in any of these cases.
Very politely, I do know what affected me as a child better than you do. My mother being a working single mother means that my memories are of sitting with my grandad/aunty/childminder for hours on end. Yes, that was an issue to me.