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Original poster

Am i being a selfish mum?

90 replies

becky1993 · 05/02/2020 17:04

i need some advice, basically i have 2 children, 1 who is 5 years old from a previous relationship, and a 3 week old from my current relationship, now my current partner wants me to move closer to him which is a 20 min drive away from where i am now and plus i work near where he is lives, but my dad keeps saying if i move and take my son out of the school he is now that im being selfish and will mess his head up, all i want is for my little family to live nearer each other as me and my partner cant physically live together as he has a dog and my 5 year doesnt like dogs, we have tried gradually introducing him to the dog but unfortunately it has been unsuccuessful. my heart is telling me to move but am i being selfish?

OP posts:
honesttogod · 05/02/2020 17:06

At 5 years old your son will adapt to a new school environment no problem. Do what is best for your family and ignore your dad.

richele4 · 05/02/2020 17:07

You're not being selfish. I am surprised you had a baby with a man you cannot live with though. I think if you can afford it then you should move. It would make things easier for you. Would it mean that your 5 year old is further away from his father?

dustibooks · 05/02/2020 17:08

Kids change schools all the time for all sorts of reasons.

But I can't really see the point in you moving if you aren't going to be living together, but just living nearer each other than you are now.

Original poster
becky1993 · 05/02/2020 17:13

Yes but my 5 year old dad never makes the effort with, he literally ca,e to my house the other night and stayed for 2 minutes and then went, i have given him chance after chance. but i mean i would arrange something so he could still see his dad and grandparents on that side.

OP posts:
PityParty4one · 05/02/2020 17:16

I dont think your selfish but hes only a 20 minute drive away. That's not far at all and unless you are moving in with him what's the point in uprooting your son for the sake of 20 minutes?

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 17:22

This isn’t the main issue here. You’ve just had a baby with a man you can’t live with, was the baby planned? How committed is this guy? If there was no dog would you really be living with each other? Does your partner want you to move or is this you just trying to be closer?

You will still be in the same situation even if you move as you still won’t live together.

20 minutes is not that long, I do that twice a day on school drop off and pick up so no I wouldn’t move unless you were actually moving in together.

dustibooks · 05/02/2020 17:22

Oh - your child's dad. I thought you meant your dad.

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 17:24

I just think it’s odd that this man isn’t moving mountains to make sure he is living in the house with your new baby.

My dh was besotted with our girls there is no way he would have not sorted this before the baby was born. Dog or no dog.

Original poster
becky1993 · 05/02/2020 17:24

no the pregnancy was unexpected and yes if he didn't have the dog we would live together.

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 05/02/2020 17:24

I wouldn’t be moving house and school for a 5 year old who has presumably just started school in September and has only 3 weeks ago gained a new sibling. I’d wait a bit. He’s had enough change happening in the last few months. Maybe aim for moving over the summer and starting a new school in September.

How new is your relationship and how well does your son know your new partner?

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 17:25

So he’s basically putting his dog before his own child. Wake up OP

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 05/02/2020 17:27

Actually i wouldn’t move at all in this circumstances. You won’t be living with your partner even if you do so he might as well just carry on coming to yours and parenting his daughter. If he wants to be a dad he’ll make it happen without expecting you to uproot your son.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2020 17:31

I think the fact that you have a baby and can't move in together is the bigger issue here. Where do you see this relationship in 5 years?

LovingLola · 05/02/2020 17:31

So your pregnancy was unexpected.
Your partner wants you to move to be near him even though it will mean your 5 year old having to move school.
Your 5 year old is afraid of your partner’s dog so you won’t be living together anyway.

Why will he not move closer to you??

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 17:32

I wouldn’t move personally, it seems to much change for your DS in my opinion

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 17:33

And becky I don’t think your being selfish I just think your so desperate (and rightly so) to be a ‘proper’ family your considering uprooting your son from his home and school to move to a new area and school just to move in to a house where your partner won’t even be living.

He won’t even be in the new house.

Thos is not how a responsible loving father behaves.

Tbh I think he has a wonderful excuse for him not to fully commit to what’s happening here.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 05/02/2020 17:36

Why won’t you’re partner move closer to you?

And what’s the plan with the dog? Does he really intend to live apart from his child for as long as his dog is alive? Confused

Ginger1982 · 05/02/2020 17:38

"me and my partner cant physically live together as he has a dog and my 5 year doesnt like dogs."

Yet you have a child and he's not willing to make changes to be with his child?

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 05/02/2020 17:42

So you cant even go to his house because of the dog, but he wants you to move so it easier to see his daughter and not leave the dog unattended for too long?
As previous pp have said what is the point of moving if you are not going to be living together?
You sound like you have had bad luck with your children's fathers who seem to leave it all to you regarding them.
How will your daughter feel in years to come knowing that she was second choice to a dog. Before I get flamed by all the dog lovers on here ( I have had pets all my life) I am sure finding a loving home for the dog could at least be discussed as an option.
In the meantime thinknvery carefully before you have any more children with this guy.
Can you show your son some positive videos etc of dogs as gaving a fear like that will be hard for him in the future too?
But I really hope it works out for you.

MorningNinja · 05/02/2020 17:45

Do not uproot your DS because he cant be arsed to rehome a dog!

BuckingFrolics · 05/02/2020 17:57

Godallmighty there are some bloody useless men around. He has a dog so can't live with the mother of his child? Wants you to move closer so he can have all the good bits and none of the bad bits? What an utter tosser.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 05/02/2020 18:02

Why was the living arrangement not sorted out while you were pregnant?

AllHeart1 · 05/02/2020 18:10

While I wouldn’t rehome a dog for a partner I wouldn’t move either since you have no plans to live together.

And tbh I’m going to go against the grain slightly and say that you need to make the effort for your five year old to overcome his fear of dogs because it’s not going to do him any good in the long-term if he e.g. can never go to friends’ houses because of dogs, not play in the park because of potential dogs etc. His fear of dogs is far bigger than this just being about your partner’s dog.

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 18:17

While I wouldn’t rehome a dog for a partner I wouldn’t move either since you have no plans to live together

It’s actually his three week old daughter.

richele4 · 05/02/2020 18:20

*While I wouldn't rehome a dog for a partner I wouldn't move either since you have no plans to live together
*
He wouldn't be rehoming for his partner, he should be for his daughter although something tells me that if he didn't have a dog then there would be another excuse as to why they can't move in together.