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Relationships

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Original poster

Am i being a selfish mum?

90 replies

becky1993 · 05/02/2020 17:04

i need some advice, basically i have 2 children, 1 who is 5 years old from a previous relationship, and a 3 week old from my current relationship, now my current partner wants me to move closer to him which is a 20 min drive away from where i am now and plus i work near where he is lives, but my dad keeps saying if i move and take my son out of the school he is now that im being selfish and will mess his head up, all i want is for my little family to live nearer each other as me and my partner cant physically live together as he has a dog and my 5 year doesnt like dogs, we have tried gradually introducing him to the dog but unfortunately it has been unsuccuessful. my heart is telling me to move but am i being selfish?

OP posts:

allthedamnvampires · 06/02/2020 08:16

Kids can adjust to a new school but it's the overall picture that isn't quite right here OP. Unless this man is committed enough to you to live with you and help you raise both kids, which he probably isn't (the dog is ) then you're making life considerably harder for yourself and your 5yo if you move. The 5yo's dad being rubbish isn't really a factor here. He'll be rubbish wherever but it's no reason to uproot him to try and please another rubbish man. Why is your heart telling you to move? If it's to please this man, stop.

ReallyLilyReally · 06/02/2020 08:22

This is a tough one for me, i have two different responses...

1 - I can't believe youre planning to uproot your life for a man who has chosen living with an animal over living with his own child. If i were you I'd tell him he can get rid of the dog and move in with you, or he can do all the travelling to see his baby every day (and it should be every day).

2 - I can't believe you're letting your 5yr old's fear of dogs ruin your chance at having an actual family life that works for you. Kids are scared of dogs, and they grow out of it, unless you pander to them. Unless this dog is dangerous, you need to just bite the bullet and get your kid used to it.

I honestly don't know which of these perspectives is more reasonable. I think maybe both? You seem to both be being pretty stupid about this tbh, and why the hell wasn't this sorted before you gave birth? You got probably at least 7 months notice on the baby, how did you end up in this mess?

FlowerArranger · 06/02/2020 08:23

You are not being selfish, but why can't he move closer to your home? In my view ths would make more sense.

Why was this not sorted before you gave birth?

What breed is the dog, and what exactly are the issues?

I can understand your desire to be a proper little family, but I'm somewhat doubtful that this is going to work with your baby's father.

Is he paying proper maintenance for his child?

HelgaHere1 · 06/02/2020 08:25

If this was on the pets thread everyone would be coming up with suggestions on how to help the dog meet the baby as the dog is missing out!!

I would move. Partner might be able to spend more time with the baby when he is older, and see DS away from the dog.

Runmybathforme · 06/02/2020 08:35

I think the fact that he won’t rehome the dog tells you all you need to know.

Satsuma2 · 06/02/2020 10:03

If you are not moving in together then no I wouldn't move. Why go to all that expense and hassle for just a few minutes. Living twenty minutes apart is not that far.

Elbeagle · 06/02/2020 10:07

Partner might be able to spend more time with the baby when he is older

Oh fab. He might, just might, be able to spend a bit more time with his own baby if the OP uproots her son to live near him. The OP should definitely be holding out for that day!

Satsuma2 · 06/02/2020 10:07

Sorry but I meant to add that the best thing for your child would be to get some professional help with his phobia. Regardless of your oh it will make his life easier as he will never live in a world with no dogs.

AudacityOfHope · 06/02/2020 10:13

I'm sorry, but moving closer isn't going to turn you into 'a little family' because your partner seems to be making no effort to create one with you.

Wants you to move. But won't actually live with his own baby. Fuck that.

Reginabambina · 06/02/2020 10:13

Why doesn’t he move closer to you instead? That seems to make much lure sense in this situation.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/02/2020 10:13

What sacrifices has he made for the sake of your baby?

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/02/2020 11:52

this is nuts.

surely even the most committed animal lover wouldn't put a dog's needs ahead of their own actual, existing baby would they?

there must be numerous possible arrangements that are not upsetting to the animal, that allow the parent to, you know, actually parent their new-born child?

ddraigygoch · 06/02/2020 12:27

Why would he ditch his dog for a relationship that's never going to work out? This clearly wasn't planned.
And there's another child he doesn't know in the mix. I don't blame him for not jumping to ridiculous measures for the uncertain.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 12:33

Why is he not moving closer to you and HIS CHILD?

ddraigygoch · 06/02/2020 12:36

Why does anyone need to move?!
It's 20 mins. Not hundreds of miles.

It takes me 20 mins to take my children to school some days.

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