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Original poster

Am i being a selfish mum?

90 replies

becky1993 · 05/02/2020 17:04

i need some advice, basically i have 2 children, 1 who is 5 years old from a previous relationship, and a 3 week old from my current relationship, now my current partner wants me to move closer to him which is a 20 min drive away from where i am now and plus i work near where he is lives, but my dad keeps saying if i move and take my son out of the school he is now that im being selfish and will mess his head up, all i want is for my little family to live nearer each other as me and my partner cant physically live together as he has a dog and my 5 year doesnt like dogs, we have tried gradually introducing him to the dog but unfortunately it has been unsuccuessful. my heart is telling me to move but am i being selfish?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/02/2020 18:20

I'd be wanting marriage before I did that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 18:34

I wouldn't move.
What's with the child and fear of dogs, though?

puds11 · 05/02/2020 18:35

Not sure moving the child is the main concern here. Sounds like an utterly odd set up. Do you own your house?

lunar1 · 05/02/2020 18:36

Why can't he move? I wouldn't move a child if they are happy in school unless I 100% had to. You'd never forgive yourself if they didn't settle at the new school.

In your circumstances there is no benefit to you moving for the sake of 20 mins.

AuntieMarys · 05/02/2020 18:41

Can't get past a dog being the reason you aren't together.

Frankiethree · 05/02/2020 18:46

Why would you need to move closer when you're only a 20 min drive away?

ddraigygoch · 05/02/2020 18:55

Honestly I think you have been very selfish so far.

hidinginthenightgarden · 05/02/2020 19:00

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are pissed about the fact a man won't rehome his dog for his child but the other day a women was slated for suggesting she rehome her cat because it pisses all over her kids toys. Go figure!!
I do tend to agree though that there is no point uprooting your child if you won't be living in the same house and your child has had enough disruption for now. It's just not worth upsetting the balance right now.

notthisshitagain · 05/02/2020 19:04

You've not been with this guy long enough to uproot your son.

You only split with his dad less than 18 months ago. He's been through enough already.

Tell your boyfriend to move nearer.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 19:05

@hidinginthenightgarden you can’t win on MumsnetGrin

Dunin · 05/02/2020 19:09

Take a breath OP and think about this. You’ve just had a baby. Your child has just started school. Now YOU are going to be the one moving? You do realise that in most relationships where kids are involved, the bloke moves for the woman. What is he doing for you? Why should your 5 year old have to be uprooted? Why doesn’t your partner move near you? That’s the thing I’m not understanding here. If he cared about you and the baby he’d move wherever you are. I don’t get why you would be considering this. What happens if the relationship doesn’t work out? Which face it is highly likely. Are you going to move back again?

Dunin · 05/02/2020 19:10

Oh and is your partner paying your moving costs? If not, why not? What does he actually DO for you and the baby? Nowt I’m guessing. He should be seeing if a family member can take the dog surely.

converseandjeans · 05/02/2020 19:17

YABU to move your son from his school and being near his grandparents. What sort of dog is it? I can't see a future in the relationship tbh if you can't live together. Sorry but he needs to drive over to see you.

DamsonDress · 05/02/2020 19:17

I think your partner sounds selfish, expecting you to uproot and have your 5 year old change schools.

If he wants to be closer he should move.

He doesn't sound like he's putting you or your children first so be careful. Don't disrupt your children's lives for him.

LovingLola · 05/02/2020 19:18

If he cared about you and the baby he’d move wherever you are.

I think he doesn’t particularly care about the op.

JKScot4 · 05/02/2020 19:22

If you arent going to live together why would you move for the sake of a 20 minute drive?
Sounds ridiculous, stay put.

Jozen · 05/02/2020 19:25

You post partum, a 3 week old, 5 year old leaving friends and school, the actual process of organising packing and house move for the sake of a 20 minute drive... utter madness.

If you were moving in together and making a new home and life together in more settled and fair circumstances, I'd say go for your life and good luck but this all seems so wishy washy and one sided.

NicLondon1 · 05/02/2020 19:31

Agree with the above.
You are NOT being a selfish Mum - the current partner is being selfish.

mindutopia · 05/02/2020 19:33

I definitely wouldn’t move in this situation. Really what’s a 20 minute drive that your partner should be doing so he can see his baby compared to your son’s wellbeing. I drive 25 minutes just to get to my closest supermarket! I won’t even tell you how far I commute to work.

I wouldn’t uproot your son for potentially a temporary relationship. You may have a baby but it doesn’t sound super committed given you can’t even live together.

Mummyshark2018 · 05/02/2020 19:35

I wouldn't change my child's school and home to move 20 minutes up the road to be nearer a dp that you can't actually live with at the minute because he has a dog. Think of the cost of moving and the hassle with 2 kids on top of everything.

If I were in your position I would be either trying to support your child to be less frightened of the dog (unless the dog is scary and unpredictable and if so shouldn't be around kids) with the view of all living together or I would be re-evaluating my relationship, if he is willing to put his ddog above his ds and a family life.

I'm a dog owner and lover and I would be devastated to have to re-home but if it turned out that my child was terrified or dog was not suitable around children then as a responsible parent and dog owner the best thing to do is re-home the dog. Btw Is your child afraid of all dogs or just this one?

Reallynowdear · 05/02/2020 19:36

Move for a saving of 20 minutes??

That's not a great idea.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2020 19:37

Why doesn’t he want to live with his baby?

HazelBite · 05/02/2020 19:41

I think both the dog and the 5year old both need a little time to get used to each other. Dogs can be trained and the 5 year old needs to realise not all dogs are going to "eat" you.
Its early days, take your time OP , but the ideal would be to all live together, but there is not point in the interim moving nearer for the sake of 20 minutes!

Elbeagle · 05/02/2020 19:41

I read the first few replies thinking I was on another planet.
He can’t live with his own child because of his dog?! What’s the plan? Wait for the dog to die before he can live with his partner and child? How old is the dog?
Like hell would I be uprooting my 5 year old who has just settled at school for the sake of living a bit closer to a man who isn’t willing to make any sacrifices for his child.

pallasathena · 05/02/2020 19:43

Put yourself and your 5 year old first OP. What's with all this passive doing as he wants stuff?
No way would I do as you're thinking of doing. Sorry, but you come over as a bit pathetic and a right people pleaser.
And sorry again...but people don't respect either.

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