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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law wants to look after my child

127 replies

kaxxz · 03/02/2020 19:04

I'm 31 and four months pregnant with my first child.

My mother in law wants to look after my child when it's born for the first few months as she feels my husband and I "won't know how to look after a newborn".

She also wants to keep the baby in her room during the night too and is adamant I won't have any breast milk so I won't need to be awake during the night.

I feel she is a control freak and is always undermining me and my husband. She always looks through my personal belongings in my bedroom and walks into my room univited. I've spoken to my husband who doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

We live with her as our place is being renovated and I feel really wound up by her. I told her I will be able to look after my own child but she isn't listening.

Any advice on what to do?. :(

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 04/02/2020 16:26

I can only assume that your MIL has terrorised and manipulated your DH so much that he cant see the actions she is taking.
You need to get out OP, take your DH with you if he can summon the strength but if he cant then you need to do whats best for you and your DC.
The MIL will slowly wear you down if you stay.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/02/2020 16:29

All those who seem to want to blame the DH, please note he may be much more of a victim here as he would have suffered from this for many years.
Thats not to say that the OP has to stay for his sake, she needs to protect her DC and herself first, but lets not assume that he is somehow the problem.

timeforawine · 04/02/2020 16:45

Run OP, as soon as you can or she'll take over completely when YOUR baby arrives
Congratulations, do not let her ruin and take over this

Stormblessed · 04/02/2020 16:59

Get out of there now, if she's this bad already it's only going to get worse.

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/02/2020 17:00

How you doing @kaxxz??

WellHolyGodMiley · 04/02/2020 17:02

Go to your parents house

Original poster
kaxxz · 04/02/2020 17:50

Thanks for all your comments I will definitely be talking to my midwife about this. My husband has lived with this his whole life so he doesn't really realise how controlling his mother is.

I have showed this thread to my husband so he knows that I'm not the only one who thinks my MIL is bonkers. Our renovations will be taking a while so I will definitely be moving in with my mother in the mean time.

OP posts:
NoNoAndNoAgain · 04/02/2020 18:02

I am so glad to read your update. I just read through this thread with genuine anger at your mil. How fucking dare she.

For your mental health you need to get the hell out of there. Go to your mums. Your mil is toxic.

Having a baby is a stressful, emotional rollercoaster for every new parent. The last thing you need is someone telling you you're a shit parent all the time.

Talk to your midwife and your mum.

Hopefully your DP can deal with his mum. But whatever she says I would take with a pinch of salt. She's clearly done this the whole of your dps life. I doubt she'll change easily.

HulaHoop2 · 04/02/2020 18:29

This is insane. Tell her NO in no uncertain terms.

ferando81 · 04/02/2020 18:36

Tell your mother in law she CAN look after the baby -your husband.He obviously still hasn't grown up

Gutterton · 04/02/2020 18:53

Has she been controlling in other ways to date? Can you list out on here what she has done has crossed boundaries - then you can crowd source opinion (to show your DH) what is reasonable and what is not.

You have done brilliantly to notice your gut, to post on this forum, to listen to the feedback, to get your DH to read it and to decide to move out.

But you need to know that she will NEVER change - you need to be v firm and direct and hold those boundaries day in day out.

Just remember that everything she does will impact negatively on your baby’s emotional development. Don’t let her do this to your baby.

Also what is the background with your DH and the MIL? Is he the golden child? Is she histrionic and does he just placate her for a quiet life?

MulticolourMophead · 04/02/2020 20:01

Tell your mother in law she CAN look after the baby -your husband.He obviously still hasn't grown up

Yeah, the DH has grown up thinking his mother's behaviour is normal.

Except it's NOT normal to try and take over another woman's child.

Glad you're going to your mum's in the meantime, and tell her everything. Your DH is now going to have to get his head straight if he wants to remain married to you.

Missarad · 04/02/2020 21:36

Tbh your in same house so she isnt going to be taking baby anywhere shes simply saying shes going to help you which is fine. Google baby blues (48 hrs post birth) u need all support u can get. I'd humour her tbh as when babe comes it wont want her lol as baby smell their mum. But tiredness stress and housework etc and baby blues is hard so def keep the help.

Blitzen2 · 04/02/2020 22:26

She’s right. You won’t know how to look after a newborn but nobody does!! It’s a learning process for you both and it needs to be you and baby not her and baby. Your milk will be in regardless of how you plan to feed.

Run. Either back to yours or your parents. Do not give her any more power over you otherwise you will regret it.

dramaticpenguin · 04/02/2020 22:42

Why would she think that you wont have breast milk?? You're pregnant, ergo your body will make milk. Does she think you're not a mammal?? Good luck with baby and stay strong, don't let her undermine you, everyone learns on the job!

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 22:56

Please mean what you say about moving in with your own mum.

Otherwise you will be an exhausted, hormonal new mother forced to watch while your MIL steals your baby from under your nose. She will for sure do her best to thwart your breastfeeding plans as it will not be in her interest for you to have that reason to keep your baby with you.

Your husband will be a shell shocked new dad and he has been conditioned not to challenge her authority. Your MIL is an utter loony. Get as far away as you can and start establishing those rock solid boundaries NOW!

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 22:58

@dramaticpenguin I doubt she genuinely thinks the op won’t have breast milk but planting that negative seed now is her first step in wrecking any plans to breastfeed.

Horrible womanSad

PurpleTrilby · 04/02/2020 23:11

What a fucking psycho bitch, yeah run. Fast.

Drabarni · 04/02/2020 23:14

missarad

Are you reading the same thread.
She wants to play at mummy by making OP and dh believe they can't cope/aren't good enough.
She then cares for the baby and if/ when OP and dh cotton on to what she's done and want to go nc, she has a relationship with baby and will go to court for access.
She'll prove she's been the main carer.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2020 23:19

Your MIL is so bonkers it's actually terrifying. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my baby.

copperoliver · 04/02/2020 23:20

Do not under any circumstances let her take over your baby. You will regret it and of course you will have breast milk it comes in straight away. Move out before baby is born. Even if you have to private rent. She is odd. Maybe jealous her little boy is having a baby. X

CoraPirbright · 05/02/2020 08:04

Good news that you are moving in with your mum OP.

What did your husband say when he read all of us saying that his mother is deranged (and evil)?

HavenDilemma · 05/02/2020 08:13

Bonkers!

May I ask if there is possibly a cultural difference at play here? (Absolutely not excusing anything btw!)

Ghoulestofmums · 05/02/2020 09:59

All this talk of mothers-in-law thinking they know how to look after a baby better than the new parents staggers me. I am MIL age but have forgotten all I ever knew about looking after a baby so I would be useless. How come others seem to remember so vividly?

ThePolishWombat · 05/02/2020 12:09

There is so much “what the fuck” in your OP I don’t even know where to start!!
Firstly, you are an absolute hero for putting up with this shit as long as you have!
Secondly, I concur with everyone else: run for the hills Confused She sounds completely unhinged and I really feel for you and your DH having lived with such a controlling personality!!
Her logic is ridiculous. No one knows what they are doing when they have their first baby!! Your MIL included when she had her first. Its a “learn on the job” situation. Every single parent on this earth has done it, why does she assume that you and your DH are any different?! Yes becoming new parents is scary, overwhelming and you have no idea what you’re doing at first, and having support around you is great....but taking the baby and doing everything the new parents should be learning to do for themselves is fucking bonkers Confused