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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law wants to look after my child

127 replies

kaxxz · 03/02/2020 19:04

I'm 31 and four months pregnant with my first child.

My mother in law wants to look after my child when it's born for the first few months as she feels my husband and I "won't know how to look after a newborn".

She also wants to keep the baby in her room during the night too and is adamant I won't have any breast milk so I won't need to be awake during the night.

I feel she is a control freak and is always undermining me and my husband. She always looks through my personal belongings in my bedroom and walks into my room univited. I've spoken to my husband who doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

We live with her as our place is being renovated and I feel really wound up by her. I told her I will be able to look after my own child but she isn't listening.

Any advice on what to do?. :(

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2020 19:27

She is patently not merely wanting to help you out, she wants to play at being mum to your child. Such disordered thinking is not normal behaviour. You need to keep her well away from your child going forward too.

Original poster
kaxxz · 03/02/2020 19:30

He doesn't see that she is controlling he thinks she is being supportive.

My own parents don't live too far from me and they disagree with my MIL. I will definitely be having my mum their at the birth instead of my MIL

OP posts:
SpeedofaSloth · 03/02/2020 19:32

Is moving in with your parents instead an option?

NerrSnerr · 03/02/2020 19:32

You need to move out. I can't believe her being at the birth was even a consideration, most people will just have their husband with them.

popsydoodle4444 · 03/02/2020 19:33

@kaxxz

How long until your place is finished?

Unfortunately in this situation you are going to have to stop tiptoeing around her and very firmly tell her her that you are breastfeeding,the baby sleeps only in your room and you'll ask for help only if you need it.

If you don't stand up very firmly for yourself she's going to ruin the first few months of you becoming a mum and for the rest of your life you'll never forget it.

More importantly if it's not nipped in the bud now then she's be trying to interfere with how your child is raised for the rest of their childhood.

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 19:34

She is going to take over. Those early days when your baby should be bonding with you and you with your baby you are instead going to be pleading with your mil to please allow you to hold your own baby.

My advice - move in with your parents. Or tell her that you will if she doesn't back off and let you raise your own baby.

Selfsettling3 · 03/02/2020 19:34

Please listen to everyone saying move out.

Nonnymum · 03/02/2020 19:35

If this is serious she sounds crazy. You need to make some clear boundaries now and get your husband to back you up. If she doesn't accept it move on with your parents instead if you can until your house is ready

damnthatanxiety · 03/02/2020 19:36

Can you move in with your parents?

popsydoodle4444 · 03/02/2020 19:37

Oh btw if she likes to go through your things it's time to invest in some obscure sex toys for her to find next time rummaging

Jellybeansincognito · 03/02/2020 19:38

You have a husband problem and it will never get easier.
you need to give him an ultimatum tbh.

He either supports you- or you’ll move in with your mum and dad, alone.

BaolFan · 03/02/2020 19:38

If I want your help I'll ask for it, thanks.

DH you really need to grow a spine - our baby is not a dolly for her to play with and she doesn't get to dictate what she will and won't do. We are the parents and I expect you to make sure that she understands this, because if you don't then I am going to my parents and you can stay here.

RandomMess · 03/02/2020 19:41

Why don't you and baby go stay with your Mum if you really can't move home yet?

melissa1215 · 03/02/2020 19:43

No chance in hell would I let my MIL dictate and take control over my child

TidyDancer · 03/02/2020 19:43

You need to move. There really is no other choice here.

Gutterton · 03/02/2020 19:44

When you are anxious you have excess adrenaline and cortisol running through your body - your baby in your womb is absorbing this and it is not good. You are under attack here - your instincts are correct - you need to be v v direct with her. Your DP needs to see it from your side (get him to read this thread).

Skin to skin bonding and attachment with YOU is critical for your baby’s emotional development - do not let anyone interfere or undermine this. You need to prioritise a calm and peaceful unthreatening home 24/7 - you need to be serene and focused on loving and bonding with your baby in the womb and when they are born - not fighting off and preoccupied with negative energy around some fruit loop every moment.

Move out now. Then put down v v high boundaries

Frenchw1fe · 03/02/2020 19:46

Move in with your parents asap.
I feel anxious just reading your post.

NotStayingIn · 03/02/2020 19:46

You will only get this once chance to have all these first experiences with your new baby.

Do you really want to risk ruining that with constantly having to put an interfering MIL back into her place? She sounds proper unhinged, I mean, this is on another level.

I honestly would run a mile. If you don't find a plan B now, you will be so screwed. Your DH is not going to miraculously take your side when he is tired and emotional and she is in his ear none stop.

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2020 19:47

You need to get out now. Either go with your DM, or rent privately. I was reading something today where the MIL wanted to breastfeed the new baby! (How? Idk).

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/02/2020 19:48

I wouldd go and move in with my parents. She's deranged and controlling.

letmebefrank · 03/02/2020 19:48

Move.

She's not being supportive; she's trying to take over your baby.

Tell your DH you need to move immediately. He can pick you or stay with mommy. But you're out.

HermioneWeasley · 03/02/2020 19:49

Get out now.

She sounds absolutely batshit.

OrangeLindt · 03/02/2020 19:49

Are you in a marriage where in some parts of the world this happens? I am only asking as I once looked after a new mother who was in similar situation and Mil looked after baby with the family.

smartiecake · 03/02/2020 19:50

Yep move in with your parents and leave your husband with his mum

MeridianB · 03/02/2020 19:52

If she sounds like a broken record then you need to, too: ‘No thanks. That won’t be necessary!”

If you have to then leave your husband there and move in with your parents. She is already showing you that your boundaries are non-existent to her by barging into your bedroom. Get out now because you deserve to enjoy your pregnancy. Flowers