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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law wants to look after my child

127 replies

kaxxz · 03/02/2020 19:04

I'm 31 and four months pregnant with my first child.

My mother in law wants to look after my child when it's born for the first few months as she feels my husband and I "won't know how to look after a newborn".

She also wants to keep the baby in her room during the night too and is adamant I won't have any breast milk so I won't need to be awake during the night.

I feel she is a control freak and is always undermining me and my husband. She always looks through my personal belongings in my bedroom and walks into my room univited. I've spoken to my husband who doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

We live with her as our place is being renovated and I feel really wound up by her. I told her I will be able to look after my own child but she isn't listening.

Any advice on what to do?. :(

OP posts:
Earlgrey19 · 04/02/2020 08:04

Please don’t let her undermine your capacity to breastfeed — that is absolute nonsense. Obvs she needs boundaries in every other way, too, but I just wanted to pick up on that point. Sometimes people think that the way to help is to take the baby. You can tell her you want your baby close to you but she can help in other ways, eg cooking and cleaning. That’s if she does have to be in the picture.

Earlgrey19 · 04/02/2020 08:08

But I would agree don’t live with her. It really sounds a bad idea. As others have said there are huge red flags.

LangLiveThePenis · 04/02/2020 08:14

@comingupafterthebreak why do you think that is? Inexperienced, nervous and vulnerable women are encouraged to have their inexperienced, nervous partners there and not their experienced, older, more able to be assertive, mothers.
If I had my time again I'd ask a supportive older woman to come along to advocate for me because my husband wasn't noisy enough, which is exactly what they want.

LangLiveThePenis · 04/02/2020 08:15

*bolshy

CoraPirbright · 04/02/2020 08:44

I second a pp’s suggestion of bringing this up with the midwife in front of dh so that he can see someone else’s normal reaction to such bat-shittery.

How long are the renovations going to take? Move asap.

Tell your parents everything - they will back you against her. Friends too - you need all the backing you can get given that the one person who should be in your corner, your dh, is brain-washed and think this is normal/helpful.

blackcat86 · 04/02/2020 08:49

Just a word of warning that my MIL was similar (not as bad) but went on about having baby overnight from a few weeks old, me wanting to bf being selfish as how would she feed baby, being annoyed that she wasnt invited to birth etc, and not only did this cause a lot of stress but contributed to my PND and PNA. I had a difficult end to the pregnancy, a planned c section for DDs safety and DD then went to special care. MIL was useless, she bought an outfit that was far too big, talked over doctors about her own stories when they were trying to examine DD and generally made a spectacle of herself. It was never about the baby, just about her. Dd is now 17.5 months and has never stayed with PIL overnight. I always wanted to facilitate contact and not be accused of keeping them from their GC so they have helped with some childcare but that's been a mistake because they have no boundaries so think nothing of publishing milestones all over fb, saying inappropriate things (like commenting on DDs weight and how much she eats in public - she's average weight btw). The last straw was MIL telling me that she was implementing a star chart for DDs behaviour (I mean who in their right mind thinks that's age appropriate or dictates discipline for someone else's child) . She's now off to nursery and loves it. PIL never did anything DD wanted to do so not swimming, parks or soft play. Just MIL parading her about in the buggy. Dont make my mistakes. I hate that I have put us through this even if I can correct it now I'm more recovered. Make those changes now for you and baby. Couples counselling was helpful for me and DH to talk through and agree boundaries together because he was still in the FOG and used to doing what MIL wanted however Bashit.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2020 09:49

She's absolutely barking!

Move out. Now.

If your house is genuinely unbelievable then rent.

But leave.

KundaliniRising · 04/02/2020 09:57

She is abusive, you need to leave now, please talk to your midwife for support.

Your dp either steps up and protects you or he can fuck off.

pinkyredrose · 04/02/2020 10:02

How long is it till your house is ready , is there any chance of moving back in the next few weeks or months?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/02/2020 10:08

she feels my husband and I "won't know how to look after a newborn"

No new parent does!! Tell her to get to fuck! She has had her time a a parent, this is your turn, your child, your life.

Tell your DH that he has seriously misunderstood his life. He either grows up now and starts acting like an adult, a father to be or he stays with his mum and continues to be her child.

Then go stay with your mum and refuse to move back in with MIL. Tell your parents, HV etc etc. Make sure eough people know so you can get support.

You can live separately until the house is habitable, rent somewhere else, both live with your parents (possibly) or ANYTHING else. But you can't put up with such determination. Nobody can!

justilou1 · 04/02/2020 10:19

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT HOUSE

zogezellig · 04/02/2020 10:24

There was a poster once named Hannah whose mother in law started out that way and basically stole the baby from her. You need to get out now, and never give her your new address. She is very dangerous.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/02/2020 10:34

Jeez OP - please listen to everyone here.
Run out of that house as fast as you can and do NOT look back.
Get to your parents house and leave your DH and his mother to themselves!!!
This is batshit crazy and you are 100% right to be very very worried right now!
Do NOT allow her to take over.
Do NOT stay in that house a moment longer.
Run!!!!! THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 04/02/2020 10:38

Not normal

saraclara · 04/02/2020 10:44

Is this a cultural thing? Is it the norm in her family?

Only asking as that would be the only thing that would explain this being anything other than insane of her to ask.

But yes, move out if there's any way at all that you can. Failing that you get a lock on your bedroom door at the very least?

saraclara · 04/02/2020 10:46

Also how long is this renovation taking, if you're only four months now, yet will still be at your inlaws when the baby is born?

JellyNo15 · 04/02/2020 10:51

What is it with some women? I am a grandmother, and while I do provide regular childcare, it is only when necessary. Yes, I love spending time with my DGC but I would never want to take away the precious time my DS and DDIL get to spend with their baby. I love spending time with them all together.

I would ask your midwife to have a word with your DH about the effect MIL is having on your mental health and what she is suggest is not good for mum or baby. Failing that threaten to leave him. Also spell it out to your MIL that it is a big day no and don't worry about upsetting her she obviously doesn't care about upset you.

Flimflamfloogety · 04/02/2020 10:53

Another voice here saying move in with your mum... Either with or without husband.

Just reading this thread has made me angry and anxious, I don't know how you've managed to stay calm so far I would have throat punched the bitch.

No matter where you stay I'd invest in a bay sling and start telling everyone now that you will be practicing attachment parenting. DO NOT let that baby out of the sling (you can get ones that allow you to breast feed whilst they're in the sling).

Make a big song and dance of buying one of those costs that attach to your bed (I think the brand is Chicco).

I feel for you OP, please don't let this awful woman ruin your precious moments with your newborn

CapaldiL · 04/02/2020 10:54

Is there a cultural issue at play here? What she is saying is so utterly mad but then to have your husband agree with it makes me think there may be more to it? OP this isn't normal. She's telling you she is taking your child off you- move out now. Tell her she won't have anything to do with the baby until she starts recognising boundaries and supporting you as the mother.

To be honest you are all your baby needs in the beginning, sod the useless husband and deranged MIL. It worries me actually that you're even posting this as a question because if anyone said anything like that to me when I was pregnant I'd leave and never look back.

billy1966 · 04/02/2020 11:02

OP,
Move to your mother's.
Start counseling with your husband now.

You are at massive risk of:
Ruining your pregnancy
PND
PNA

All because your MIL has her eye on a new toy and is BATSHIT and you have an unsupportive husband.

If you allow this special time to be spoilt, you may never forgive your husband.

Take care.

blackcat86 · 04/02/2020 14:31

Good advice to let people know. Talk to your MW and then HV, talk to your GP if appropriate. Literally anyone who can make a record in case she tries anymore crazy shit later on. The posters raising their concerns about you even asking this as a question are right. MIL could be narc and have pulled you in to her orbit of appeasing her. Toxic inlaws by Susan forward would be a good read for you.

Noshowlomo · 04/02/2020 14:41

Yeah you need to run. Tell her straight and run for the hills.

CustardySergeant · 04/02/2020 15:02

OP, ask her how she would have reacted if her own MIL had said this to her when she was pregnant.

Bellendejour · 04/02/2020 15:08

Rent or move in with your parents NOW. You don’t need this stress during pregnancy and this is a ticket to PND/PNA once you’ve given birth - I had a very overbearing (though not at this level) MIL and it made me so anxious and unhappy when I should just have been enjoying my lovely new baby. Good luck and congratulations on your little one Flowers

Halestorm · 04/02/2020 15:51

Moving in with your parents is a good idea. It shows MIL that you have support and that you have options. It also physically reminds her that you and the baby - your baby- come as a unit. And reminds your husband that you have choice and agency here.