Mother in law wants to look after my child

[kaxxz]

I'm 31 and four months pregnant with my first child.

My mother in law wants to look after my child when it's born for the first few months as she feels my husband and I "won't know how to look after a newborn".

She also wants to keep the baby in her room during the night too and is adamant I won't have any breast milk so I won't need to be awake during the night.

I feel she is a control freak and is always undermining me and my husband. She always looks through my personal belongings in my bedroom and walks into my room univited. I've spoken to my husband who doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

We live with her as our place is being renovated and I feel really wound up by her. I told her I will be able to look after my own child but she isn't listening.

Any advice on what to do?. :(

If you are still leaving with her when baby arrives, perhaps give her a Job. As we lived 200 miles from family when my first was born, my husband had 2 weeks paternity, my Mum then stayed and helped for 2 weeks and then my Nan came to stay for 2 weeks so I had 6 weeks of help. We’d moved back closer to family by the time our second was born so we didn’t have the live in help. I was absolutely fine with out and more than capable, however, it was lovely to have family helping with my first, I’d feed my baby, take him downstairs to family and then have a couple of hours sleep, then a bath before going downstairs myself. My Nan would wake at 5pm do all my washing and cleaning and then look after the baby while I looked after myself. They weren’t controlling though and only had the baby when I said it was okay. Maybe if you ask her to do a specific job it would mean she feels needed.... simply have the baby for half an hour each morning while you shower might be enough. (Night not be though as she does sound hard work) x

Does he attend your antenatal appointments? I would bring it up in front of your midwife so he can see the response to the batshittery.

There is a thread from years ago op of where this did happen in similar circumstances with the mil making out the mother was unstable when she was going through baby blues and using it as an excuse to take over, it ended in a custody battle of where they locked her out of the house and she had to go through the courts, obviously that is extreme but her partner let it happen. I wish I could find the thread.

Pregnancy brings out anxiety but I think your right to be concerned.

OMG move out! Save whatever money you can, however you can. You must have a difficult conversation with your husband. There are lines that cannot be crossed. He MUST be your husband and the father not obedient son.
Have you told your parents absolutely everything and about how desperate you are?
The red flag is her insistence that you won't have breast milk. HUGE RED FLAG. Utterly chilling. She wants to be The Mum.

Run, run, run.

My MIL was similar and my mother was a bit much too! Bit thankfully I don't live with either.
Pregnancy is hard enough without the worry of this situation, make plans to not be there when the baby comes home.

I put my foot down early that only DH was allowed at the birth and no hospital visits in recovery. I pretended that only one person was allowed in delivery room.

Be selfish, it's you baby, your rules.

So She wants to be Mother again FUCK OFF

She’s insane. This is a crucial bonding time with your new baby. Your husband needs to step up here and put her in her place

Move in with your parents. Your mil sounds utterly batshit.can you afford to move out?

My own parents don't live too far from me and they disagree with my MIL. I will definitely be having my mum their at the birth instead of my MIL

OP, Move in with your mum, asap, and with or without your DH.

He needs to understand that his mum is batshit and that this is NOT a normal suggestion. He has a choice to stay with his mum or realise that he should support you and leave.

No house renovation is worth giving this woman your baby.

Another saying move in with your mum.

Move out. With or without your husband - stay with parents, sisters, whatever

Never mind batshit MIL, why would it even occur to you to have your DM at the birth? That's what your DP's are for.

Being supportive is helping you on your terms, not totally taking over. How are you going to learn to look after a newborn, if you don’t have a newborn to look after. Yes, it is a steep learning curve, and there will be bumps en route, but that’s part of the process.

If she ‘offers’ again, you will have to keep repeating that’s that’s not going to happen. It’s your baby and you want to spend those precious first moments with your baby. It’s non-negotiable. Maybe thank her for her offer, and say you will ask her if you need any help, but until then, you’re fine. Get your husband to support you, even if you have to spell it out to him. As someone said upthread, if she wants a newborn, she’ll have to go and make one herself!

Her total control offer is not normal.

You are about to be a mother. The matriarch of your family unit.
Set boundaries now. Show MIL and DH that you are going to be a strong, protective and loving mother who will be number 1 in your child's life. DH will be your accomplice. Everyone else comes way down the list of decision makers and care givers.
Get your MW on side, and your DM. Don't be passive, make things happen. Set a moving date for your return to your home. Decide who you want at the birth. Announce your visiting preferences.
And for god's sake,get your DH to realise his responsibilities lie with you and the baby. His job is to ensure you are both safe, healthy and happy.

She's going to really undermine your confidence with your own baby. You need privacy to figure it out and make your own mistakes. Please don't let this woman ruin your first month's with your baby. Move out of you can to protect this precious bonding time with your child.

Get divorced now!!!!

Tell her to FUCK OFF

It's your baby, cheeky bitch

Dont let her get away with this

Move out and then tell her that it would be great if she could help by dropping over a cooked meal, taking away your ironing, running some errands so that YOU have even more time to bond with your baby 24/7.....!

That’s what would help you. But don’t even give her that opportunity to invade your life.

I've got a young baby. I am horrified that your pregnancy is being ruined like this, and really scared for you that you could miss out on some of the best bits of the first few months of your baby's life. I'm sure you know that the baby needs to be close to you, and that not having it with you will definitely affect your milk! Please please move out, her behaviour is NOT normal. (I would be saying this even with your comments about her usual behaviour, but it's extra important to do so asap). Go to your parents.

Fucking hell I actually want to punch your MIL. You don’t tell a pregnant woman they are 1) not going to cope 2) won’t be able to breast feed and 3) that you’re going to deny them access to their own child!!!

Move out now to your parents. Your twat of a husband can either follow you and his unborn child or stay with his frankly batshit mother.

Go to your mum and be firm to your MIL and husband. Tell your MIL you won’t hesitate to cut her off completely if she oversteps your boundaries. It’s your baby, your decisions. None of us were born knowing what to do, don’t worry, you will learn and be a good mum but you need to protect your mental health and keep her away if she threatens it.

The fact she is adamant she is only trying to help tells you she will never see anything wrong with walking all over your feelings. And it’s your husband’s job to protect you.

I wouldn’t have wanted my MIL at the birth tbh. Good luck OP 💐

NEWSFLASH: no one has much idea how to look after a baby until they actually do it. We all learn on the job, as it were.

Although, having your MIL at your shoulder dying to take over and questioning your every move is a fairly good way to make sure you will lack confidence and struggle.

She sounds crazy, move out now with or without your partner.

This sounds familiar if you have posted before you were told the same then.
Your husband doesn't listen to you, hasn't got your back and mil wants your baby.
Wtf are you still there, get out now before it's too late.

You have to do whats best for your baby and unfortunately that means leaving and living with your mum.
Your health is important for your baby as much as it is for you. You need to protect your mh and you certainly won't by being in contact with your mil.
If your husband loves you he'll follow and cut contact.

I would go as far as saying move out and restrict access to your child.

Your husband is just as bad- he thinks it’s normal.
Worrying.