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Original poster

Would you be upset by this on your birthday?

90 replies

Lilacwine01 · 03/02/2020 01:18

I used to make a point of a birthday week, always, have done for years. I do it for my kids and my husband makes good use of it too. It was my birthday recently. My husband got my best friend to sort my present from him and also my kids... she wrapped them and between my husband, my friend and her husband, they figured out that my friend would also deliver said presents to my house. The presents were something that I'd already agreed to buy off my friend. The monetary value doesn't matter to me but... my husband had to do sweet FA... he didnt even get the kids to make a card for me nor did he get a card for me himself. I booked a weekend away for us and the kids because we had to do something... before we got to the place we were staying we stopped to get wine for the room; he stayed in the car because he was driving so i went to the shop. When i got back he asked if I got some sparkling, which I hadn't (I thought he might have 🤔). I just wondered if anyone else would be pissed off about this? My husband did sweet fa for my birthday and just left the rest of us to it. This is the opitamy of our 13 year relationship... it's got worse and worse as the years have gone on. Xmas and valentines are similar stories. I wouldn't mind so much but he knew i was a romantic when we met. I just feel like year on year i have begun to expect less and less but this year is the worst. Am I being fair or shit? I feel the bigger picture is that he just does not care anymore. X

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 03/02/2020 01:24

Birthday week?!

PurpleDaisies · 03/02/2020 01:24

Isn’t it a birthday?

PurpleDaisies · 03/02/2020 01:26

Saying that, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all to be annoyed at his lack of thought.

FlowerArranger · 03/02/2020 01:30

Some people simply are not bothered about birthdays, anniversaries etc. Presumably you knew this when you married him?

But what's the real story? There must be some other stuff going on.

EBearhug · 03/02/2020 01:31

I split up from former boyfriend because he organised absolute zero for my 40th, even after being asked to sort out drinks with some friends. So yes, it would piss me off.

melissa1215 · 03/02/2020 01:39

When first got with my husband I had to tell him what to get me for my birthday, he gave it to me in the delivery box it came in and he didn't get me a card and I cried all day.

Over the years it's got better, I make a fuss of his birthday and now he makes an effort with mine. He's never going to be a huge romantic but he tries now.

I'd bring it up with him, it's the thought that counts with birthdays and I know how upsetting it can be when little/no thought goes into it

redcarbluecar · 03/02/2020 01:42

Sounds like you have different expectations about birthdays. Does he do/expect much for his? If not, to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he doesn’t really know what to do to please you and feels under a pressure he can’t live up to - same for Xmas, V day etc (although a bit odd not to get you a card, I think). I suppose a question is whether you feel uncared for generally, or mainly at these ‘romantic’ times of year.

nachthexe · 03/02/2020 01:42

Why did you ‘have’ to do something? It wouldn’t occur to me to book a weekend away because it was my birthday and I felt we ‘had’ to.... something.
It sounds as though you had already got it all organized - you had arranged to buy whatever from your friend so he followed up with that and made sure there were cards and gifts.
Is it possible that he really feels you arrange everything how you want it and so doesn’t try because he might not get it right/ you might be irritated? You seem to have very fixed expectations about birthday ‘weeks’ and control them very carefully?
It’s quite a tradition to keep up - do you go away or have days of events and celebrations every year for every family member? It’s lovely but sounds exhausting. Do you have to pick somewhere new each time and try and out-do the previous year?

nachthexe · 03/02/2020 01:51

TLDR- no, I wouldn’t be upset. Nor would I have booked a weekend away. It was my birthday this week. It wouldn’t occur to me that I needed to be the focus of attention for a whole week or to trace the provenance of cards or gifts to track how much effort each person had made.

Pilot12 · 03/02/2020 01:51

Birth week? Everyone gets a birth"day", since when do you celebrate everyone's birthday for a week? It's not Christmas, you just had that. You sound like hard work, you don't want your husband to organise a nice day, you want him to organise a whole week of celebrations, maybe that's your problem.

itstrue · 03/02/2020 01:59

I have a friend that has a birthday month!

Good for you OP for celebrating in style. It would upset me too (and I have been). It's up to me to organise everything else. All I ask is some effort for my birthday and Christmas!

Runkle · 03/02/2020 02:01

Your clearly on different wavelengths about birthday expectations. You need to sit down and talk about this. And getting peeved about him not buying sparkling wine for the room?! All sounds very intense.

SummerWhisper · 03/02/2020 02:02

Ignore his from now on and focus on the children. Don't bail him out if he forgets other people's occasions. But first of all, don't get him anything for Valentine's day but make a show of really looking forward to it as though you have bought him something special and that you expect the same in return. That'll show the cheeky lazy twat.

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 02:15

Men can be v rubbish at birthdays. :(

Tbh I think your friend is at fault here!!! She should have thought up a better present than something you'd already agreed to buy from her! Check she didn't charge your DH more 😉

QueenOfIce · 03/02/2020 02:29

Just because someone else doesn't 'do' birthdays it won't kill them to show some care for those they love and who do enjoy a birthday. It's the one day that's all yours. I would be a bit pissed off too if when it's their birthday they enjoy all you have done for them but never reciprocate especially when they know you enjoy it.

Next birthday do nothing for him.

BillHadersNewWife · 03/02/2020 02:40

People just have different ideas of birthdays OP and their upbringing colours how they do it as adults.

I do think though that he could have made more effort given that he knows you value little shows of affection such as not having to buy your own fizz or having a surprise gift which he's chosen.

My DH is shit at them too but I've grown a bit meh about it all over the years.

Shev1996 · 03/02/2020 02:40

Frankly he’s not romantic, you are. You need to accept it or split up, he isn’t going to change. I personally feel like expecting a birthday “week” is over the top, I know no one who does this. It does seem like you’re living in a fantasy land and he’ll never live up to your expectations. Even if he didn’t personally choose or buy your presents he asked your best friend, which shows he wanted to get you something you’d like, and he was admitting he didn’t know what

daisychain01 · 03/02/2020 02:42

@Lilacwine01 it's all about expectations and being willing to meet each other's needs reasonably well. It sounds like your and your DH are not well matched and your DH places zero priority on making the effort, even tho he knows you are big on birthdays.

That said, I can't imagine either me or DH having the 'staying power' to keep things going for a whole week! All a bit much. But whatever floats one's boat I guess. Thankfully neither of us die in a ditch over it. We always do something, even if work gets in the way and we have to shuffle the celebration along to the weekend if the birthday falls mid-week for practical reasons, eg it's nicer to go to the cinema and have a leisurely meal at the weekend.

What stands out from your post is that he cba, and shows it, which is the crux of the matter. Could it be he's being passive aggressive? ie because he knows you expect a lot, he is pushing back on that?

finn1020 · 03/02/2020 02:44

A birthday week?

user764329056 · 03/02/2020 03:07

Why a whole week? Bit over-indulgent and me, me, me

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2020 03:13

Birthday week is very ott. It’s a day for a reason. How is he in general?:My dh hates his birthday. He makes a bit of an effort for my birthday. Nothing huge. No cake. Present (which I’ve told him I would like) and out for a meal if I’m well enough. He gets me flowers from time to time.

So yours isn’t brilliant on birthdays. What about other times and does he show he cares in other ways?

mnthrowaway202020 · 03/02/2020 03:19

To be honest I never go all out for someone’s celebrations unless I know they’d do the same for me (obviously children being an exception). You shouldn’t give gifts or spoil someone with the expectation of something in return, and that includes reciprocal effort unfortunately. You can’t expect everyone to look at birthdays etc in the same way that you do and want to drag out celebrations for a week and make everything extra special. Especially as you know that he isn’t that sort of person to begin with.

Either tell him that his behaviour has hurt your feelings

Or just stop making the additional effort yourself, you’ll actually be happier long term.

In fact, just do the exact same as he has done now for his next birthday. Chances are, he may not notice or actually care if he isn’t a birthday person. So your extra effort of making it super special for him over the years may not have actually been needed

YouNeedToCalmDown · 03/02/2020 03:25

I would not be upset. A birthday week all sounds too much and very child-like.

I plan my own birthdays instead of expecting DH to read my mind. We have a lovely time.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/02/2020 04:14

Wow a whole week? God I'd hate that, I've little interest in my actual birthday. I spent my 40th working away and as for my 50th in a couple of years, I'll work that if it's a week day.

As for Valentine's Day, its just designed to relieve you of your money. I do get my wife something, but I tell her not to bother.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 03/02/2020 04:38

I think being the way you are, him putting so little in is sad, however it's been 13 years, so your expectations from him should have been set by year 3 or 4?

I've been with dh 12 years, his family are not a birthday family, if it wasn't for me his parents and siblings wouldn't even get a card, just a text, however, Christmas they go all out. Whereas my family are the complete opposite.

I think maybe going forward as shit as it may be, because I'd hate to you should bring the level of celebrating for him to the level he does you, clearly celebratory dates aren't a big deal to him and after 13 years, he's still telling you loud and clear.