Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be upset by this on your birthday?

90 replies

Lilacwine01 · 03/02/2020 01:18

I used to make a point of a birthday week, always, have done for years. I do it for my kids and my husband makes good use of it too. It was my birthday recently. My husband got my best friend to sort my present from him and also my kids... she wrapped them and between my husband, my friend and her husband, they figured out that my friend would also deliver said presents to my house. The presents were something that I'd already agreed to buy off my friend. The monetary value doesn't matter to me but... my husband had to do sweet FA... he didnt even get the kids to make a card for me nor did he get a card for me himself. I booked a weekend away for us and the kids because we had to do something... before we got to the place we were staying we stopped to get wine for the room; he stayed in the car because he was driving so i went to the shop. When i got back he asked if I got some sparkling, which I hadn't (I thought he might have 🤔). I just wondered if anyone else would be pissed off about this? My husband did sweet fa for my birthday and just left the rest of us to it. This is the opitamy of our 13 year relationship... it's got worse and worse as the years have gone on. Xmas and valentines are similar stories. I wouldn't mind so much but he knew i was a romantic when we met. I just feel like year on year i have begun to expect less and less but this year is the worst. Am I being fair or shit? I feel the bigger picture is that he just does not care anymore. X

OP posts:
loopery · 03/02/2020 07:46

Firstly, a birthday week?? That’s OTT. You get a day! Secondly, he spoke to your best friend. That’s thoughtful. Be grateful you’ve got a best friend who cares about your birthday! You sound very precious and stressful. You’re not 5 years old love! Birthdays are for children apart from the big birthdays. I think if this is the only thing you’ve got to worry about in your life then you are extremely lucky and you really need a reality check before your husband decides to leave your gigantic princess arse and find himself somebody normal

HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2020 07:48

I booked a weekend away for us and the kids because we had to do something...

You mean you believe everyone has to go away for a weekend because they have a birthday? That seems beyond odd.

All adults I know are lucky to have time to shout Happy Birthday at each other on the day due to the circus of getting kids off to school, activities - all at different times in vastly different locations, a kid needing to be picked up from work, another kid getting a last minute shift at work, someone’s best friend exploding due to some boy issue or drama llama friendship episode that they feel the need to get embroiled in. But hard for anyone to fit a birthday in amongst all that so the best adults generally hope for is enough time for an undisturbed piece of cake and glass of wine at some point on the weekend. A whole weekend away seems quite the stretch. Even a toddler or younger child who (rightly) gets excited about birthdays only has the expectation that the majority of the one day will centre around them. Then they grow up.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/02/2020 07:48

The words "birthday week" already made me support your H Grin

MarthasGinYard · 03/02/2020 07:52

Birthday 'Week' I'm taking is a typo

Stop booking stuff and doing stuff for him if you feel unappreciated.

He will get the message.

EL0ISE · 03/02/2020 07:59

I don’t understand all these people saying “ well he’s just a man he doesn't understand about birthdays “. As if men all have Learning difficulties.

The Op has said that he’s happy to benefit from their family traditions himself. So it’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s that he DOESN’T CARE. She’s not worth the effort to him.

This board is full of women who make massive concessions to their husbands hobby / sport. Even though they don’t get / understand it, they realise it’s important to him ( usually 52 weeks of the year ).

Yet women who want a tiny bit of effort / thought on a couple of DAYS a year ( birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversary ) are told that they are unreasonable and childish. Because marriage should be all about her making 100% of the effort and him making zero. Because that’s all women are worth.

Patriarchy innit.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 08:04

@el0ise I’m always baffled when people say ‘oh men just aren’t good at that sort of thing’ about birthdays, chores, finances, errands, cooking, washing, shopping, childcare, planning etc - they must think single men and gay men just live in endless, joyless, chaotic squalor eating pot noodles and takeaways in filthy clothes and disgusting houses with no holidays or presents or children Confused

TheReef · 03/02/2020 08:07

What do you do for his birthday? I'd suggest doing fuck all this year.

Yanbu this would piss me off too. I think it's less about the birthday and more about the fact he's been completely thoughtless and not made any effort whatsoever

HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2020 08:18

Yet women who want a tiny bit of effort / thought on a couple of DAYS a year ( birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversary ) are told that they are unreasonable and childish.

To be fair the OP indicated they are not happy with a birthDAY but have expectations of an entire week. I’d gather the expectations re other days may be similar.

If my DH had these expectations, I would not be aligned. Not because I am a lazy man but because I’m an adult with perspective.

CherryPavlova · 03/02/2020 08:29

It’s not something I’d be bothered by. I’d like a nice thoughtful present and a card but that’s about all. I’d usually be at work on my birthday.
A week does seem excessive and why does it matter who picks up the wine?

00100001 · 03/02/2020 08:30

But cherry...she didn't receive a thoughtful present from her DH Confused

00100001 · 03/02/2020 08:31

@CherryPavlova ^

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 08:34

@CherryPavlova I might be wrong but I assume the reason it matters to the OP who picks up the wine is because she feels unwanted/unloved/unappreciated all year round and would like to feel special on her birthday and he didn’t do that either. That’s usually the root of similar/the same issues.

daisychain01 · 03/02/2020 08:47

The way your DP treats you through the year, day to day and year in, year out, is significant here.

If you cannot discern his Love Language, his own unique way of expressing his feelings towards you, who you are to him and your standing as the mother of his children, then that's the issue here.

If you feel loved and are secure in your relationship, all this Birthday Week wouldn't hold the amount of significance you're placing on it.

It's as if you're having to force the issue around birthday times because the rest of the year it's a big fat nada.

pog100 · 03/02/2020 08:52

Everyone is concentrating on the slightly odd birthday week thing but missing the obvious underlying thing that her husband doesn't give a shit about her feelings and is a lazy fucker happy to let her do all the work. This week/day is just the symbol of how crap the rest is.

borntobequiet · 03/02/2020 08:55

Seems a pretty pointless thing to make a point about. Where does this nonsense come from?

CherryPavlova · 03/02/2020 08:56

No I understand she didn’t receive what she considered a thoughtful present but he might well have thought as she’d said she wanted it, it was a thoughtful surprise.
I get she feels unappreciated but I also suspect her spouse might feel a week of celebration for any birthday except your 100th is excessive.

Fannia · 03/02/2020 09:09

Yes I feel like expecting a whole week of thoughtful surprises is too much, even if you do this for him. He did get you a present and arrange with your friend for it to be a surprise and that seems like enough effort for a normal birthday. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a weekend away or party or anything but I don't think it all has to be a romantic surprise, you can be involved in organising it. Especially as you seem to have certain things you want.

EL0ISE · 03/02/2020 09:53

I get she feels unappreciated but I also suspect her spouse might feel a week of celebration for any birthday except your 100th is excessive

If that were the case I’m sure he would have mentioned it during the last 13 years she’s been doing it for him Hmm.

See, naughty naught OP. You are supposed to be a mind reader as well as a totally selfless 100% devoted and humble wife like the others on this thread. Who expect nothing for themselves as it’s all nonsense, pointless and excessive.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 10:00

@EL0ISE don't you think after 13 years OP ought to have got the hint that he's not going to do week long birthday celebrations?

Original poster
Lilacwine01 · 03/02/2020 10:07

Ok yes, a birthday week does sound excessive Blush, in real life it's just little things like maybe getting a take away one night or making tea for the one whose birthday it is. We're not well off and it's not a full week of parties or anything. It's something we started pre kids and I agree that I should lower my expectations. I really would have been happy with a card and some flowers or something he'd chosen himself. I feel bad for complaining because he thought he'd done really well. I was just having a moan on here as I didn't want to moan about it to anyone in real life. Thank you all for your comments, I'll go and take a look at myself Smile

Apologies for the rubbish spelling in my op, I can be a bit dense!

OP posts:
Froq · 03/02/2020 10:21

It seems to be the thing on MN to not make a fuss on birthdays.

I’d be hugely pissed off if I were you, OP. It’s not ok to just accept that your birthday will go by without you being made to feel special or treated in any way. It’s completely miserable.

Even if he is ‘just one of those people who don’t make a fuss on birthdays’, he knows you aren’t. My H is someone who grew up with birthdays never being a ‘thing’ but he knows my family and I go all out for them so he puts a huge effort into making it special for me now. We also do birthday weeks, why the hell not?!

It’s not difficult. I wouldn’t accept your H’s behaviour and it would only make me dread special occasions.

MarthasGinYard · 03/02/2020 10:27

'he didnt even get the kids to make a card for me nor did he get a card for me himself'

This is shit though Op I take it your dc are still little and would need his involvement. Wouldn't have taken much effort on his part Flowers

EBearhug · 03/02/2020 10:55

I think a card from your husband on your birthday is the minimum of expectations.

MintyMabel · 03/02/2020 11:18

Yet women who want a tiny bit of effort / thought on a couple of DAYS a year ( birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversary ) are told that they are unreasonable and childish.

If you are moaning because you don’t get a tiny bit of effort on those days, I expect there are bigger things wrong in the relationship.

It seems to be the thing on MN to not make a fuss on birthdays

Oh that old chestnut. All the posts about birthdays are when someone hasn’t gone above and beyond to meet over the top expectations. Gifts are never enough, the celebration is never enough, and now we have an OP with a birthday week??

FinallyHere · 03/02/2020 11:25

It does seem to me to be about different expectations. For example DH simply loves surprises, just absolutely would rather have any surprise than exactly what he would have chosen. I really, really enjoy the planning and have no interest in things being sprung on me.

It's taken a long time, but we have learned to accommodate each other. I resist asking him to choose his treats, or buying/arranging things I think he ought to want. It does mean I am let in for arranging both but would much rather that than have anyone choose and arrange for me.

It did take a lot of conversations, listening and taking, about what we each wanted. Is he quite clear that you would like a card from him and that it's his role to remind and facilitate the DCs, too?

If you have had those discussions, not blaming or being hurt & huffy, but simply asking what they want and saying what you want, then yes, he isn't keeping to the agreement. I'd ask him why not.