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Original poster

Would you be upset by this on your birthday?

90 replies

Lilacwine01 · 03/02/2020 01:18

I used to make a point of a birthday week, always, have done for years. I do it for my kids and my husband makes good use of it too. It was my birthday recently. My husband got my best friend to sort my present from him and also my kids... she wrapped them and between my husband, my friend and her husband, they figured out that my friend would also deliver said presents to my house. The presents were something that I'd already agreed to buy off my friend. The monetary value doesn't matter to me but... my husband had to do sweet FA... he didnt even get the kids to make a card for me nor did he get a card for me himself. I booked a weekend away for us and the kids because we had to do something... before we got to the place we were staying we stopped to get wine for the room; he stayed in the car because he was driving so i went to the shop. When i got back he asked if I got some sparkling, which I hadn't (I thought he might have 🤔). I just wondered if anyone else would be pissed off about this? My husband did sweet fa for my birthday and just left the rest of us to it. This is the opitamy of our 13 year relationship... it's got worse and worse as the years have gone on. Xmas and valentines are similar stories. I wouldn't mind so much but he knew i was a romantic when we met. I just feel like year on year i have begun to expect less and less but this year is the worst. Am I being fair or shit? I feel the bigger picture is that he just does not care anymore. X

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 03/02/2020 04:39

Like other posters, I don't do a birthday week either! But I see this as being more about reciprocity and the complete lack of effort by your DH to make you feel special in any way. Your DH clearly enjoys his birthday week that you facilitate but he doesn't want to go to any effort to give you a week to enjoy. If he makes it obvious you are a priority for him in other ways that you don't reciprocate you might be being unreasonable, but if not then YANBU.

wheelywheelynice · 03/02/2020 04:50

Sorry for being a grammar Nazi but I couldn't get past opitamy.
The funniest spelling of epitome I've ever seen.
LOL

CameFromAway · 03/02/2020 04:52

You need a proper chat about expectations and reciprocity, but in a wee while when no one’s feeling aggrieved or defensive.

To many people, you’re expecting an awful lot of fuss for a birthday, to a level they’d find challenging. On the other hand, you’re putting in loads of effort for DC and DH’s birthday celebrations and are hurt you aren’t getting the same effort back.

kateandme · 03/02/2020 05:04

i dont think you will get much luck on here op.mn doesnt like people wanting birthdays.
but this i you tradition.something youve all grown together doing and your husband is doing less and less for you and seemingly thinking less of you and that is what hurts.whether its to do with a bithday 'week' or not.

Ibizama · 03/02/2020 05:09

Yeah, it made me smile too

SureTry · 03/02/2020 05:09

So how does it work? Is it the week before your birthday, a week where your birthday is in the middle or do you have your birthday then celebrate for the remaining week? Just curious.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 05:13

Going against the tide - I don’t agree they have different expectations. He’s happy to accept a birthday week and be celebrated and bought presents and whatever else, he’s not happy to reciprocate though. To me that makes him selfish. He should tell you he thinks a birthday week/weekends away/presents/whatever are too much and he just wants to exchange a card, not accept it all for himself and not do anything in return.

00100001 · 03/02/2020 05:50

I'd be inclined to do nothing for his birthday....

Bluesheep8 · 03/02/2020 05:59

Sorry but I can't get over a birthday week. That's a lot for anyone to live up to, even if they do "do" birthdays. I only celebrate milestone birthdays tbh so I don't really get the whole week thing.

mummyof2girls18 · 03/02/2020 06:07

It’s actually my birthday today and since 2am have been sick and ended up in hospital till noon and now back home miserable from my crohns flare. Did my DH buy me anything? Nope, do I even care at this stage? Nope! I have been so bad with crohns that everyday is a good day that I’m not crying in pain, to make a big deal about something like this is measly, my DH is normally very cute with birthday gifts but he had been so busy taking care of sick me and the kids that I’m pretty sure he hasn’t even had the chance to remember a gift at this rate...

Cherrysherbet · 03/02/2020 06:12

YANBU I would LOVE a birth week 😁

Palaver1 · 03/02/2020 06:14

But Op wants him the mother of his children to recognise that this is something meaningful to her,
That’s why she is pissed.
If you know something means a lot to a person what harm does it do to acknowledge it.

BloggersNetwork · 03/02/2020 06:24

His lack of thought would upset me too but come on, a birthday WEEK?? How bloody exhausting.

Imok · 03/02/2020 06:29

Seems to me that your Dh made a point of getting you something you clearly wanted since you'd already agreed to buy it from your friend. So, at the very least, he's ensured you still have the money you were going to spend which you can now use for something else. As for the hotel, I read it that you were going because you were obliged to attend some event or another, not because you had a strong desire to do something? If so, maybe he didn't consider that to be part of your birthday celebration n I would be very upset if my Dh piggybacked my birthday onto an already arranged night away.
As for a birthday week? I'm sorry, but to me that seems ridiculous.
I am not one of the MN massive who think that adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays, but neither am I in the group who seem to think that DH's must give you the moon wrapped in £50 notes in order to have been thoughtful about what he does for your birthday.

2020runner · 03/02/2020 06:44

I'm a romantic, my husband is not, I know that, after 10 years it stings sometimes but I have accepted it. I still make a fuss of his birthday and cook him an amazing meal on valentines because i want to

Generally i let my birthday pass, it's my 30th this year however, not for 6m but i have started telling him I'd like some effort this year. I've also booked somethings, a spa day for me to enjoy myself, a night away with my best friend and a weekend away for DH, the kids and I. I do things for me

I also by myself flowers every fortnight, just cheapies from aldi but they make me smile

I also think that my quite sensitive 5yo is also going to become a driving force in our house for my birthdays. Last year she was upset that she didn't get me a present, I told her she didnt need to, I loved her homemade card and spending the day with her but come christmas she insisted DH take her out to get me something

ExtraFox18 · 03/02/2020 06:49

I think it’s all a bit OTT to be honest for an adult. I think you are lucky to have people thinking about your birthday. I think your expectations are too high which might make people feel under pressure and then you are disappointed.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2020 06:58

So basically he spoke to your friend, worked out what you wanted, she said she'd wrap and deliver as she physically had the gifts, and what, you expected him to say no I shall collect and wrap so it looks like I've made more of an effort? I'm addition you both went away on a trip for it?

I think if uou try to contextualise it, you will realise that having a birthday week is highly unusual, be it child or adult, and for most people would be over the top.

Basically you got gifts, you got a weekend away, but it's still not enough, I think maybe you should try to step back a bit here and realise you have unusual expectations of birthdays.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 06:59

You've clearly got different expectations but after 13 years you should know what she's like.

coconuttelegraph · 03/02/2020 07:02

My family weren't big on birthdays growing up and I'm not now with my DCs.

I'd hope none of them end up with a partner like you, there would be much hilarity at such self indulgent behaviour but it wouldn't make them bad people. No one has to have a big palaver

pictish · 03/02/2020 07:03

I dunno, if my husband expected a birthday week I think I’d feel overwhelmed by the pressure and shut down from it a bit. I don’t think you’re being entirely unreasonable in being disappointed by the lack of any effort on his part but at the same time, you seem to want a lot of fuss. You didn’t ‘have to do something’ or book a weekend away. How was he supposed to guess you wanted him to pre-empt the sparkling wine? There’s a rosy ‘movie love’ element to your expectations that I’d hate to have to live up to. It would stress me out to the point of backing off...but that’s me. I can’t speak for your dh.

Rosehipbubbles · 03/02/2020 07:04

You need to meet in the middle. Your expectations are pretty out there for most adults - he is your typical crap at presents, doesn't see birthday's as a big thing ( I have one too). Find a compromise - mine is handing him a bag and telling him to wrap the gifts I now but myself!

minnie465 · 03/02/2020 07:10

Hi OP. I think you're being a bit OTT about a "birth week" and that's why you're getting a hard time on this thread. It's my birthday today and my husband has forgotten. I am gutted. Just wanted a card from my husband and one from my toddler. Happy birthday to you.

TreeClimbingCat · 03/02/2020 07:15

Does he make more effort with other people such as parents or friends? Or is this level of effort the same across the board? If he puts more effort into friendships or even work colleagues then this relationship is doomed to fail.

The basis for a long lasting relationship is friendship. We make an effort for friends, to see them, spend time with them. It is the same with a partner.

I have a birthday, never a week. I have never understood the whole week thing at all. It seems ridiculously childish. I would talk to him about how you felt this week.

Nanna50 · 03/02/2020 07:22

YABVU for having a birthday week and expecting others to conform. Why do you have to go away. No way would I be indulging you in that or setting my family up to expect it. My DH usually leaves everything to the last minute and would struggle to organise a birthday week, and I couldn't be bothered tbh.

YANBU if he didn't get you a card, that takes little effort.

You say this is typical of your relationship. What is typical, your expectations or his response?

MashedSpud · 03/02/2020 07:34

Stop doing birthday weeks for everyone else if you’re not getting it too.

Tell him if he wants to sit back and do fuck all then he can hand over his credit card and you spend as much as possible.

He’ll arrange it next time.