How can I stop being so vain

[Usemyname123]

I'm only 28, almost 29, but I feel like my looks are the main reason men like me, but I think if I lose my looks then they will just not be interested at all.
I virtually never do any partying, I don't drink at all, I have an array of creams and lotions that I put on, collagen and retinoids, facial cleansing machine, pills that I take, hair treatments, teeth whitening and i'm getting aligners very soon.
I like to be in control of everything and feel like the only way would be to find a boyfriend who is also into health and early nights. I wouldn't be compatible with someone where i'd have to be out late and at parties all the time.
I'm always looking in the mirror to check I don't have any lines, I do look younger than my age but see friends of mine this age who have started to get lines, and worry that mine will be coming soon.
I think I also have a lot to offer personality wise too, but I'm too into my appearance and i'm scared I won't attract as many men.
My ex left me for someone who people would probably consider prettier than me, and it did dent my confidence.
I suppose I am just lacking in confidence really and need to stop being so vain and focused on my looks.

I'm finding this quite sad OP to be honest. You don't need to alter or 'improve' your looks, what you need to do is get to grips with the fact that men are not the be all and end all, a life in service of pleasing men in the ways misogyny dictates we should - is a wasted life and so many women are stuck in a cycle of pandering to misogyny and only being satisfied when they have the validation of men fancying them or being pleased with them or wanting to marry them and so on.

If these things dont make you feel good in and of themselves OP then it's a waste of time and money. I'm sure you look perfectly lovely, what men like is not homogenous and it really doesn't matter why your ex took up with someone else, he's done with and him not wanting to be with you is his own business and not a comment on your self worth.

If you are able to afford it, I do believe having your teeth done will make you happy.

I only say this because from a young age, I hated my bumpy nose and always felt self-conscious about it. Any comments from others about it just reinforced the hate. And the kindly-intentioned "there's nothing wrong with your nose" fell on stony ground.

When I was twenty, I had the "nose job" that I had craved and it was life-changing for me. I was so happy, felt completely confident in my looks and started to really enjoy my life.

My only concern with cosmetic surgery or dentistry is that after their first "fix", some people will go on to find more and more features that they perceive as wrong with their face or body, which often has disastrous results.

So if you go ahead and have your teeth fixed, I hope it will make you happy and set you free to enjoy all the good things in life.

One piece of advice I would give you is, enjoy your life and not this crazy process that must cost a fortune and stress you out.

What I'm going to say next, I Hope never happens to you, but life can have a habit of kicking you where it hurts health wise. 3 years ago, at the age of 45, I was the fittest I had ever been in my life, regularly training in a sport I enjoy and actually wasn't half bad at it. That suddenly all changed. I now have severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and have to take a tonne of strong medication. There are days when I'm crippled and can hardly move. I was never an oil painting, but yes, I now look very different to 3 years ago and not for the better.

If my wife was only married to me for my looks (no chance!!) she'd have been gone. I can remember saying to her not long ago when I was down, "you didn't sign up for being married to a crippled person who is no use to you". She went absolutely mental on me. The simple words she said "you maybe a cripple, but you are mine and I love you" was all I needed to hear.

Any good man who wants to be with you won't worry about a line, a wrinkle or a gap in your teeth. They are with you because of you and not the fact you are "Instagram perfect". If they are with you because of the way you look, they aren't worth it.

Go and enjoy your life! 👍

Great post flamingnora

Usemyname123
Something I’ve realised in life is that people like people who love life.

They like people who smile, people who laugh, people who eat heartily.

Ultimately, people like people who make them feel good about themselves.

PhilCornwall1
I’m sorry to read your post.
It must be tough for you x

Have you tried going out without make up. Honestly give it a go. You will find, if you are brave enough to actually face and talk to people, that they are exactly the same as when you wear makeup.

My adult DS has gappy teeth he quite likes them - when he was younger I told him to leave them as he looks like Clark Gable

You can't fight aging OP. It is 100% going to happen to all of us.

Honestly I find vanity so unattractive, it really puts me off people. It's boring and self indulgent. The most important things to me are kindness, a sense of humour, and not taking yourself too seriously. Looks aren't that important.

Some of the most beautiful people have imperfections.

@Fochit it can be pretty tough at times, but there are people far worse off than me.

I can just take a look at my boys and my wife and think I'm one of the luckiest people around. So it's not all bad.

Please get some help OP, life is too short to think this way and there is so much more to it than looks. If you carry on as you are you’ll never be happy and miss out on so much the world has to offer!

Only Katie Price, or some equally screwed up vapid personality, believes they look better with a tan in winter. Wait till spring and invest in a salon or diy light spray tan - the Style & Beauty board can advise on which to choose.

Taking an interest in your appearance to the point of preferring to be tanned is neither screwed up or vapid. This kind of comment isn't helpful.

I agree with picklesdragon. This sounds like you are suffering with anxiety more than vanity.

Op you're not vain, your self confidence has been eroded for some reason. This obsessing with your skin regime is no different to an eating disorder. I feel very sad reading your post and think you sound like a lovely person who is struggling and should get some counselling to help.

Unless your ex is a complete twat I doubt he left you for somebody prettier. She was quite likely easier to be around. Having to pander to somebody self-obsessing is boring and exhausting. Sorry, I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds.

Try to look outside of yourself. There is beauty everywhere in the world and it has very little to do with symmetrical, well proportioned faces and bodies.

I was always confident. I am good-looking and I'm grateful for that. I also have many many physical so-called 'imperfections'. I used inverted commas because who gets to decide what is perfect or imperfect? These unique details are what people fall in love with. I learned to be confident from my mother. She does not entertain feeling apologetic about her appearance at 76 or any other age. I remember being in a shop with her once when she had picked up an outfit and the assistant cheerfully urged her to try it on as it had great camouflage. My mother promptly walked out. I adopted the same attitude and when a shop owner told me to try on a dress which was very forgiving I asked her what I needed to be forgiven for.

I never had any shortage of male interest and over the years I have noticed the things they said drew them to me seem to be the same; a confidence in the way I walk, a self-assured air, how I hold myself, my big smile. In short, confidence. My sister, sadly, has the actual face and proportions of a supermodel and no confidence. It makes me feel so sad for her.

It is no easy task but you need to realise your skin and how you look in general is only one aspect of you. It might make a man look twice, three times but it won't bring a connection. What do you love in the world? What makes you happy? Embrace that and focus on spending your time in a way you love and you will attract the right person.

Also op, I am currently having chemo and my hair is falling out. Short hair does not suit me! Luckily I am with a man who tells me every day how beautiful i am and how lucky he is to have me. Don't settle for someone who sees your hotness as a status symbol. Find someone who sees you.

Women that are too made up are a real turn off for me .Looks can be important initially but personality ,a good heart and common sense are far more important.

I think you need some counselling to help you get things into perspective. Looks are only skin deep. You could get your teeth done but then you’d be thinking of next thing to do...

If you think your ex dumped you because the other girl had better teeth or whatever - do you really want to be with someone who likes you only for your looks? Not your personality, your humour, your kindness? i suspect you are attracting the wrong type of guy with the image you portray.

Even the most attractive women get dumped sometimes. It’s so much better to be real

So I'm with the OP here and I am amazed at some of the responses here, I want to know where you're all meeting these men that aren't bothered about looks

I'm 47 and I suffer from a vile disease called lipoedema which makes me quite badly disfigured. I've had grown men run from my bedroom at 2am once they've seen me naked..... I'm also obsessed with the way I look and I'm in no way mentally ill. I just don't want to be alone forever. I had the most awful sexless marriage and just want the sort of relationship that Every one else takes for granted.

If that makes me vapid and akin to Katie Price then so be it, but in my time on this planet I've never met a man that would pick a plain woman over a stunner, regardless of personality.

And this had just reminded me that to need to tan myself

Fox, I think people are pointing out that trying to maintain an image of perfection, and then seeking partners who prize that perfection is a not a recipe for long term confidence. Yes, we are all influenced by looks. Generally though we are looking for a partner who won't run away at the first sign of a wrinkle. OP feels she's getting obsessive about her appearance. You don't think that's healthy, surely?

Pickles, my point was I'm the same and I can't see how we can change, it's part of our personality.......also I've never met a man in any part of my life, including work, social circle and not just ex partners, who would go anywhere near a woman who didn't make an effort and wear make up/nice clothes/perfume etc. I've had an ex partner pass comment on the fact my nail varnish has been two shades away from my toe varnish and not matching! And while I don't think that's at all healthy I can't see the point in making life harder for myself by slopping around in a fleece with a bare face.

Sounds like you are suffering from anxiety. You maybe feel if you work hard on the way you look that you are more in control, but it does not work out like that. You end up with less control, you need to get out and about more.

I saw this the other day, and it's true. Comparing yourself to other women and what it is about them that men find attractive is futile.

As others have said, your self esteem needs fixing, not your teeth. Men really are not the be all and end all in life, they really aren't. You are young, there is so much you can do in the world but your world seems to be contained in the reflection in a mirror, or in a man's gaze.

You are going to be in serious trouble when you age if you carry on like this. You need to lose the obsession with looks. There is nothing wrong with looking your best, but it is all shades of wrong if it becomes the be all and end all.

You sound a bit desperate and people pick up on the neediness. It's a turn off, not gappy teeth.

There's zero correlation between looks and confidence. Self worth comes from knowing you're valued. Counselling is the way to go. Appearance is totally irrelevant.

Fox you must meet some very shallow men. My DH has always been considered a good looking bloke. Just last week a friend told me that she knew someone who had fancied him all through high school, but he doesn't care a bit that I don't wear make up everyday or do much with my hair. We have been together for almost 30 years and he's never refused to be seen with me He loves me, not how I look (as I do him)
OP I agree with others, it seems you are lacking in self esteem/confidence. I hope you find someone to love you for who you are.

Agreed but I've never met anyone otherwise. Met them, worked with them, gone to school with them, grown up with them, hell my own father was showing me how to perform hot towel facials when I was about 14 I've had unhappily married friends say to me 'I'd loved to have married you instead, but I'd have never got your size past my friends....'

It's no wonder some of just have the opinion that we need to look good

Fox, I'm stunned. Am I reading that correctly? Are they referring to you being fat? I feel ill. They are not your friends and I'm so sorry you have had these experiences. Life does not deal fair hands, that is for sure.

Listen we can all only go on our own experiences. I appreciate I am lucky in that I am aware I am a good-looking woman. But I am not a knockout and I absolutely know that without being secure in myself I would be far far less attractive.

I don't believe looks don't matter. I think everyone should present themselves in a way that makes them feel good. But what op seems to think is that looks are all that matter and she is obsessive about controlling her skin ageing process. Life is so beautiful and there is so much in it. She is missing it!

You will age and become invisible to men after 45. Nobody gives a fuck about your invisible lines except you. Go and live a life, get some therapy and learn to focus on life outside of your own head and mirror. You will be Middle Aged before you can blink and you’ll wonder why you didn’t love yourself more and allow yourself to have more fun.
I say this as someone nearly fifty.
I was stunning when I was younger. Absolutely stunning. I had a beautiful body. I had no self esteem and when people told me I was beautiful I didn’t believe them until more recently when I saw photos of myself. I hid my body all the time. I didn’t like dressing up or wearing make up as didnae like drawing attention to myself.
I was scared of looking vain.
I then became pretty much disabled. I aged overnight, went from being IDd every night out to suddenly looking like everyone’s mum.
Medication has made me put on shitloads of weight. I can’t exercise due to disability, I have to dye my roots weekly but mostly can’t be bothered.
I have such bad fatigue and I never do my nails or eyebrows and a trip to the waxing place causes me so much pain I invariably have a full bush.

I have an overhanging belly which I would never have dreamed of ten years ago. I ran, swam and yoga daily, now I’m two or theee stone overweight and none of my clothes fit me.

I have more lines than you’d believe and my teeth have become crooked through age, jawline changes, I don’t really understand it.
But I have a great social life, very hot sex and two crazy kids who keep me on my toes. I’ve travelled, I’ve partied til sunrise, I regularly laugh so much my gunt hurts..
Life is hard at times but I’d rather be me than spend my whole life worrying about how I look and I want my kids to have a rich life too.

Aw OP you sounds so much like a close friend of mine.
She's pretty and funny and healthy but my god is she obsessed with comparing her looks to others, to the point now that she won't eat out or go to the pub with me because it's 'not healthy'.

I think working on your personality will help, try to clear your anxiety and like yourself more, make yourself more interesting!
Everyone wants a partner that they can chat to, about current affairs or books or art or travel. Being nice to look at probably only keeps someone's interest for a month or so, deeper connections are built after that.