How can I stop being so vain

[Usemyname123]

I'm only 28, almost 29, but I feel like my looks are the main reason men like me, but I think if I lose my looks then they will just not be interested at all.
I virtually never do any partying, I don't drink at all, I have an array of creams and lotions that I put on, collagen and retinoids, facial cleansing machine, pills that I take, hair treatments, teeth whitening and i'm getting aligners very soon.
I like to be in control of everything and feel like the only way would be to find a boyfriend who is also into health and early nights. I wouldn't be compatible with someone where i'd have to be out late and at parties all the time.
I'm always looking in the mirror to check I don't have any lines, I do look younger than my age but see friends of mine this age who have started to get lines, and worry that mine will be coming soon.
I think I also have a lot to offer personality wise too, but I'm too into my appearance and i'm scared I won't attract as many men.
My ex left me for someone who people would probably consider prettier than me, and it did dent my confidence.
I suppose I am just lacking in confidence really and need to stop being so vain and focused on my looks.

You had a man only interested in looks, someone better looking came along and he left. Is that the type of man you want?

Are you happy?

I thought he was interested in me as a person, but I guess I was wrong. I don't think it was just looks, I think she's louder and more 'out there' and i'm quite quiet, he maybe found her more exciting. But you are absolutely right, I don't want someone like him.

I find women with lines gorgeous. Ageing adds so much depth to face and I find it very sexy. Like they have lived and felt and laughed and have stories to tell.
Just saying.

I am quite happy, I just wonder if I need to loosen up, and stop being so looks-obsessed.

It all sounds so draining. You should enjoy life more

I think they are beautiful too, i'm just worried I won't look as good. I place too much value on how I look.

I'm priding myself on having very young looking skin even though i'm still very young, i'm shallow but don't know how to change it.

Do you not like your friends as much once you have noticed their lines? I hope not. Also men age too...or do you expect to be with someone who looks ageless? I’m not trying to be mean just trying to explain that your thoughts are not rational.

It's not surprising you're so obsessed with your looks if you're so hung up on attracting men. Live your life! Men aren't the main point of it. Besides, good looks are genetic. Spending all that money and effort on lotions and potions will not make you prettier, just poorer and more boring!

Beauty is in the eye of beholder. If you think you are not pretty enough - you won't ever feel pretty enough.
Perfect looking women are boring.

You need to have more going on in your life than what you look like. Otherwise you will have nothing to talk about to other people and you will only attract someone who is shallow and you will be living on the edge for the rest of your life, worrying that someone else will catch his eye.

You talk about partying as if it's the only altering life. I was dropping my dd off somewhere this morning and I decided to stop and walk the dog in on what looked like a deserted rural footpath. As I was walking along I saw this young couple carrying great big foam pads on their backs. Five minutes later I came across a rocky outcrop where there were about 100 people climbing. Family groups with toddlers, older couples and the young couple I'd seen earlier setting up their crash pads.

There are things going on all over. It's not just getting pissed in nightclubs or staying in looking at yourself in the mirror.

All sounds so dull really, what about tv shows or films? I love to dress up but mostly I’m in pjs and got a double chin because of wines with friends.

However maybe it’s your self confidence, I avoid mirrors lol but I’m decent looking I just rarely have the time with a dd.

Have you got any hobbies op?

Your routine sounds exhausting tbh.

Looks will fade. It’s unavoidable. Even the most beautiful woman in the world will have a lifespan in terms of her beauty, it will fade and some younger woman will come come along to replace to her. And the same will happen to her, ad infinitum.

Thus when you place so much pressure on yourself to look good and worry about a single wrinkle appearing, you are setting yourself up for a big fall. You must realise this?

There’s nothing wrong with taking care of your appearance, but it is only one single facet of the multitude of things which will attract a partner - alongside personality, charm, confidence, humour, sex appeal, intelligence, and much more. Focusing so much on one is self defeating. Personally, I find vanity a huge turn-off.

As has been said above also, having some lines is not necessarily a bad thing. It adds depth and to me looks much better than those over-botox’d, smooth and unblemished faces that look unnatural.

That's not being vain, that's being sad, stressed, and unwell.

The level of preoccupation and anxiety about your looks that you're describing breaks my heart for you, as does the fact that you use the word 'vain' to describe it.

Vanity and 'shallowness' are signs of arrogance and self-obsession.

You sound like you're dealing with quite the opposite; massive insecurity and low self-esteem, and you deserve tenderness, support, and a place to get help with it.

It sounds as though you are really anxious. Forget about addressing this issue, and focus on other things instead.

Mindfulness, yoga, volunteering- something which helps you relax and concentrate on something beyond yourself. As you get more involved in different things, you'll find the focus shifts away from your face.

Don't try not to think about your looks- it's like 'don't think of a blue elephant'. It's self defeating.

Thanks for the replies. You are absolutely right, it is a little dull indeed. Life isn't about attracting men, I do have some hobbies like dancing and drawing, and a full-time rewarding job.
I think it's in a way because i've always had trouble men who want a relationship with me. They always comment that i'm really attractive etc. But never have the feelings. Being dumped for that other girl definitely didn't help things either even though it was a while ago now.
I will try to lighten up.

Reading the replies makes me sad because it's right. I've always had gappy teeth which made me different, but now i'm wondering if they put men off. This other girl has these massive straight teeth, and I feel like better teeth will help my confidence. It's ridiculous I know.

I just wonder if I need to loosen up, and stop being so looks-obsessed.

The alternative is to turn into an anxiety riven , introspective bore, surely?

Yes dear, it must be your teeth...
Seriously though, I have gappy teeth and no shortage of attention from people.
You just been traumatised by this guy leaving you for someone else. That is normal but you have to get over it. Maybe try counselling?

You can't think your relationship broke down because you have gappy teeth and the woman he left you for had straight teeth!

No matter how good you look for your age, there is someone better looking, younger, thinner, fitter, richer, blonder, etc.
There always will be.
It's ok to care about looks , but instead of trying to be something you are not , be really good at what you are.
Be the best looking woman of your own age, the one who is happy, so really shines

No of course I know that's not why he left, I just wonder if straight teeth would help me to look more attractive as a whole. My gap is massive and sometimes I wonder if men see me as someone to sleep with but they don't actually think, "She's beautiful".
Again, probably very irrational.

Have you thought about some counselling or therapy to help you get with your obsession with your appearance. There I’ll be someone prettier, straighter teeth, younger than you it would be a shame to waste such a big part of your life thinking about getting lines etc. It sounds like you have some sort of appearance OCD (if that’s a thing). I really think you could help with it, all the time you spend on your appearance could be used doing fun stuff.

There is an actress, can't remember who, but I'm mesmerised by her gappy teeth- she's gorgeous. Really sexy, and I'm a straight woman!

Honestly, this isn't about the detail of how you look.

Address your anxiety, not your looks!