How can I stop being so vain

[Usemyname123]

I'm only 28, almost 29, but I feel like my looks are the main reason men like me, but I think if I lose my looks then they will just not be interested at all.
I virtually never do any partying, I don't drink at all, I have an array of creams and lotions that I put on, collagen and retinoids, facial cleansing machine, pills that I take, hair treatments, teeth whitening and i'm getting aligners very soon.
I like to be in control of everything and feel like the only way would be to find a boyfriend who is also into health and early nights. I wouldn't be compatible with someone where i'd have to be out late and at parties all the time.
I'm always looking in the mirror to check I don't have any lines, I do look younger than my age but see friends of mine this age who have started to get lines, and worry that mine will be coming soon.
I think I also have a lot to offer personality wise too, but I'm too into my appearance and i'm scared I won't attract as many men.
My ex left me for someone who people would probably consider prettier than me, and it did dent my confidence.
I suppose I am just lacking in confidence really and need to stop being so vain and focused on my looks.

Some guys like gappy teeth. Fuck, it never stopped Madonna, did it?

yes, you do need to stop obsessing about your looks because the march of time will take them anyway, and you need to more about you. Get counselling and work out what's at the root of all this, and learn to be happy.

you need to have more about you. ^

I like gappy teeth.
I wonder why you are like this. How was childhood, did DPs insist you were their little princess ? or similar. Were you the pretty one of two sisters?
Why are you like this. Many people are worried about their looks, but at your age you should be getting past that.
Do you only go out with men who look like male models?

Oh you poor thing, this all sounds hard work and boring. You're making sure you look good so you attract a man who is interested mainly in looks, and he will undoubtedly leave you when you start to crack as you're targeting the shallow, vein ones. For what it's worth, I'm a few years older than you and I quite like my developing lines. It reminds me of staying up all night variously with good mates, good shags, or crying babies. I've drunk too much coffee, far too much wine, taken some fun illegal substances. I've cried and laughed and slept with my make up on a million times. Enjoy your youth woman! It'll be over too soon. Are you going to look back and be so pleased you spent all that time and money in from of the mirror whacking on slimes and potions to please the type of man you probably don't even want?

*vain

Do you think if you had more going on in your life you’d find you have less time to cleanse and straighten, mirror check and worry? Dancing is great, does it make you value your body for what it can do rather than simply what it looks like? Strength, flexibility, balance, poise etc. Maybe you’d benefit from focussing more on what things feel like than look like. Your twatty ex has done a real number on your self esteem which is so sad but happens to most of us at one time or another. Being beautiful isn’t protection from getting hurt, and confidence is attractive. Not in your face brash confidence but quiet self possession, being able to laugh at yourself, laugh with others, being proud of what truly makes you happy, a bit of gumption and verve. There are billions of men on the planet, I’m sure you’ll find one who enjoys being healthy and going to bed early. He may open your mind to things you’ll love but don’t yet do.

Is it that you're vain or is it that you have crap self esteem and all your lotions and potions are how you try to manage difficult emotions?

Because you don't sound as if you like yourself very much. Have you ever tried CBT?

Are you sure he left you for someone prettier?
Maybe he left as he was tired of your obsession and never being happy with your appearance.

Maybe the new woman enjoyed life without constantly looking in a mirror.

I think you need to have some counselling and work on your self esteem. There's nothing wrong with looking after your skin and your looks, but you're making it the be all and end all. You might even have body dysmorphic disorder - please try and focus on your mental health and enjoying your life to the full

Winston Churchill once said:
“When you’re 20 you care what everybody thinks, when you're 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you're 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”

@Flamingnora123 You sound like a fabulous woman! :)

I don't think you're vain, I think you are insecure. I think if you should work on your self esteem. People,love people who love themselves.

It's funny someone mentioned Madonna upthread. Op's post reminded me for some reason of the Madonna divorce from Guy Ritchie. He always said that one of the reasons they divorced was "she had become obsessed about ageing and had a desperate need to feel desired". She would go to bed wrapped in cling film and moisturiser, always wore gloves everywhere she went to protect her hands etc.
Honestly op, I think you know this, but you are heading for a lifetime of misery if you continue like this. You will start to look older eventually and there's really nothing wrong with this. It's a gift, I promise you.
There is also the possibility that all these things you are doing aren't actually making you look better to men like you want them to. Do you like to follow the instagram trends for make up etc for example? A lot of those looks can just look too much for everyday life and can be quite off putting to many.
I used to be massively into makeup and skincare in my 20s. As I've got older though, I've actually realised that I look better paring everything back and looking far more natural. Using less skincare products and just basics has left me with better skin than I ever had when I was your age.
Where is this obsession coming from? If it's social media driven please remember it's just not real life. It really isn't.

Do you think my lovely that you have some form of body dysmorphia? Counselling will help you explore this. I had to have mirror therapy because I hated my face so much but obsessed with wearing makeup every day. Constantly checking my face in a little mirror but actively avoided big mirrors or shop windows or bad lighting.

Not everyone is the same with it but in this shallow, self obsessed society we live in, such as the Instagram lifestyle, it can make you feel terribly in. I would delete social media too to stop comparing yourself, if you are doing this.

Was you ever bullied op as younger person about your looks or criticized? Any emphasis put on your worth by the way you look?

My father was very critical about my weight and it fed back to me my insecurities.

I also don't think this is vanity op, it is insecurity and low self esteem, women who know they are attractive don't spent their lives as you do, not if they are secure and have good self esteem.

It's a terribly sad way to spend uour life, and I think you should go for some counselling and try to work your way through this.

We will all look pretty shit at 70 anyway (well unless you're Helen Miran), so I wouldn't worry about it. Find someone who loves you for who you are not what you look like cuz it's bloody effort to be that obsessed day and night about looks.

I can understand how you feel because I was very good looking in my twenties and I also experienced men being very into me superficially and then breaking up with me once they'd got to know me. It is upsetting and it is very difficult to explain it to anyone without it sounding like, oh my diamond shoes are chaffing.

I really recommend taking up yoga. I know you do dance, but yoga is excellent for building up a solid interior sense of worth.

You probably will continue to look young and beautiful for quite some time, so don't panic yet. But don't concentrate on being perfect. It's good to be confident in how you look. Enjoy it, but don't let it define you or it will destroy you.

Thanks everyone 💐

Just seeing stuff written down has helped me to realise that it's an issue.

My parents always boosted my confidence but at the same time didn't let me believe I was better than anyone else. I had an abusive relationship, my ex used to tell me my teeth were horrible (and other things) and imitate the way I spoke, saying my mouth looked weird. Still want to punch him, why on earth did I put up with that nasty asshole for so long.
My new thing is tan, i've decided (and been told) that I look better with a tan.
I've been bullied for my teeth at school and told i'd be so pretty if I fixed them. Others have told me they look great and my family don't understand why I want them fixed, but it will make me a lot happier.
I feel like guys see me as 'hot' (and that's not trying to blow my own trumpet) and they feel like they want to sleep with me. I do wonder if they expect me to have a stronger more 'out there' personality to match my looks, they learn that I am kinda quiet and geeky and they lose interest.

body dysmorphia?

as someone else posted.

If you don't want to develop crow's feet and assorted wrinkles, DON'T EVER allow yourself to feel the warmth of the sun's rays on your face and DON'T EVER smile.

Personally, I love feeling the sun on my face and I love to laugh.

Only Katie Price, or some equally screwed up vapid personality, believes they look better with a tan in winter. Wait till spring and invest in a salon or diy light spray tan - the Style & Beauty board can advise on which to choose.

Your teeth are you're own. Keep them sparkling clean and be proud of them. So many women who have dentures/bridges or misshapen teeth would, if it were possible, gladly swop theirs for yours.

Instead of going for loud 'look at me' guys who are obsessed with their appears, go for the quiet one in the corner who'll make you feel like a princess because he will erroneously believe he's punching above his weight - and have fun dancing and romancing way into the night.

You sound very insecure.
Work on your confidence more and take up a few hobbies volunteering, giving back etc and it might distract you from worrying about your skin.

Ageing is inevitable though. And there will always be someone more attractive, clever, interesting, younger, confident, appealing than every one of us. Just embrace who you are for you and value your own worth.

Oh and I have a sibling who was always told how attractive they were, 'should have been a model'. They ended up with a large scar on their face several years ago. Everyone still tells them how attractive they are. I think it's also because they have a personality that naturally draws people to them. Hence the 'attractiveness' was never really just measured in their looks alone iyswim.