Wasn't open to office romance but still slept with me

[cosmonautkitten]

I started my current job about a year and a half ago, fairly standard office. One guy caught my eye straight away but it took us a few months to really end up having one on one chats, especially as I was still finding my feet and he’s really serious about his job in general.

In Spring last year we were the last two left after a work night and just stayed talking for hours more. When he was in the bathroom a group of guys came over and when he came back they asked if I was his girlfriend and he said no, it was a policy of his that he wouldn’t ever shit where he eats. I was a little disappointed but as we hadn’t really talked much anyway and nothing massively flirty it was easy to accept.

In May I started a thing with another co-worker who I dated for about six months. It didn’t work out but didn’t impact our professional relationship at all. During this relationship man 1 and I spent a couple of nights together after work at the pub (last two standing type deal) but got on well on these occasions. Despite these situations being very platonic I didn’t tell 1 about my relationship with 2 - not sure why as most of the rest of the office knew.

At our Christmas party in early December, 1 and I ended up spending pretty much the whole night together talking, eventually getting onto our past relationships. I finally mentioned that I dated 2 as part of this so he clearly then knew I wasn’t adverse to office relationships as at the end of the night we were the last two again - but this time 1 kissed me. It was definitely initiated by him as I wouldn't have ever made the first move based on our previous chats.

We ended up going home together and having pretty good sex that night and again in the morning. Two days later on Friday it was someone’s leaving drinks and we ended up leaving after only an hour so we could spend time just the two of us. As soon as we left he kissed me really intensely in the street like he’d been dying to for ages... and then the week following all this he asked me out again one on one.

Due to Christmas we weren’t in the office for a couple weeks and didn’t text either. Unfortunately during this time I got an std test and found out he had given me chlamydia. I waited till we were back in the office so I could tell him in person. His reaction was quite refreshing, very concerned for me (it was clear he didn’t know he already had it). He kept messaging me that night and was generally mature about the situation.

We started having more personal chat at work than ever before so I asked him out spontaneously one evening. He had family commitments but said he definitely wanted me to ask him again. I promised I would and genuinely believed he meant it.

This Friday it was another leaving do and he came straight over as soon as he saw me in the pub and again we spent a lot of time talking and he found reasons to touch my hand or make lots of contact when going past me.

Later in the evening he was outside smoking and I started talking to one of our other coworkers. The conversation ended up a little weird despite this man having a long distance partner so to shut this down I said I was seeing 1 but I was a little concerned he wasn’t as in to me. This coworker said I didn’t need to worry, he could tell 1 obviously liked me based on the way he was looking at me that evening and would be an idiot to turn me down.

After this conversation 1 finally asks me if I want to leave with him but it’s pretty late and I’ve gotten really unexpectedly drunk. He asked why me and the other coworker looked so close. It’s bit fuzzy but I think I said ‘don’t worry we were just talking about his girlfriend... and you’. He got flustered and said ‘why me?’. There’s then a chunk missing in which I think I may have talked about my ex, colleague 2, for some reason but I do then remember him asking if I want a relationship. I said ‘yes’ but am too drunk to elaborate.

His face just dropped and he repeated about three times in a row ‘I can’t date a colleague’ and we called it a night. Again, what happened exactly after he said that is a mystery but we definitely went our separate ways.

By Saturday evening I’m feeling increasingly more upset about what happened and not knowing so I text him to say that I don’t remember exactly what our conversation was, that I was incredibly drunk and really concerned that I said something wrong.

He replied saying it’s not my fault but just he never wanted to get involved with anyone at work and that he didn’t want to come back with me and then mess me about. I clarified that by ‘relationship’ I meant carrying on what we were doing and seeing if it went anywhere more naturally - that I was open to the possibility rather than seeing him as my boyfriend already. To this he said along the lines of: ‘yeah I completely understand you now but I do think I just want to go back to my old policy and not mix the two, 100% a me thing, nothing you’ve done at all’.

I felt ok yesterday after this convo but I woke up feeling terrible and have basically been crying all day.

I’ve always known that he has massive hangups about getting involved with a colleague as he told me when we were just friends but I thought as he managed to overcome this enough to sleep with me we were done with that? I’m really dreading seeing him on Monday - I’ve basically been rehearsing a ‘take me back speech’ in my head all weekend and don’t trust myself not to make an absolute idiot of myself if he genuinely doesn’t want me. I honestly might call in sick tomorrow, don’t know what to do.

He doesn't want you as a girlfriend. He has let you know this. Why are you ignoring this point? Stop getting off with people you work with. It's unprofessional and embarrassing when it doesn't work out as you know.

“Re the chlamydia: I am aware that it's pretty prevalent in my age group atm (we're both 24).

I'm 24 and can confirm that neither I nor any of my close friends of a similar age have/had chlamydia or any other STI. It's only prevalent in people who practice unprotected sex and it's really irresponsible.

I don't know how you can be so blasé about it.

You're literally saying "it's ok, everyone's getting it" like it's a belly button piercing when you're 13. It's not cool to have joined the chlamydia club.

Maybe you should just stop having sex until you've grown up a little.”

Bit harsh isn’t it? I’m also 24 and have never had chlamydia. But I read it more like the op shouldn’t feel shame for it, and she she can’t do anything about it. Which is true it’s been and gone.
It is most common in our age group (16-24)
And I am sure some of your peers haven’t had an STI out of chance as opposed to exclusive responsibility.

I was lucky that five years ago when I had unprotected sex with my now husband when we’d both drunk more than we should’ve, on our third or fourth date we didn’t get anything.
But hey. Like the op we went and got checked out a few days later and all was fine. I would look at the “sex degrees of separation site” and take a look at how many people it’s possible to be connected to even if you and your partner have slept with a relatively small number of people.

Anyway @cosmonautkitten hope you’re feeling ok this morning my lover?
Get yourself something yummy for breakfast, make yourself feel fab and own it today. Sounds like you’re doing well at work, (from your meeting targets comment) so have a great Monday x

@UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre but catching chlamydia when having unprotected sex once as an error of judgment when drunk is very different to having regular unprotected sex 'because
I have the implant so I don't worry about any of the other effects' isn't it?

You can have all the regular sexual health checks you want but what's the point if your sexual partner hasn't had them too? You can't undo HIV, can you? OP is lucky it's only chlamydia this time.

You need to stop shagging the whole office. 3 men your on now.

Just to add, people bang on about the cost of smokers etc to the NHS but nobody ever mentions the cost of sexual health. Regular testing + treatment adds up.

Stop finger wagging and have some humanity.

Good luck today, OP.

Get a grip, hell. You have no idea if your friends have ever had an STI, and suggesting OP is wasting NHS resources by accessing services we're all entitled to is a ridiculous attempt to further shame her, as if your previous post wasn't sneery enough.

Good luck op. You have brought me back twenty years. I was absolutely crackers about this guy in the office I was having a fling with. It was a bumpy road I can tell you, I would not have the heart for it now in my old age ;)

Listen - life is for living and having experiences. But these should neve ever include; picking up STDs through unprotected sex with a man you're not even in a relationship with (seriously, never ever do this again) or begging or even trying to persuade someone to be with you. You are a gift to be won not a prize to be bestowed.

Now you need to pull your big girl professional pants on. Go in there looking fabulous. Get on the phone and contact everyone of your clients. Push push push into that pipeline. You need to be so fully immersed in your work that you don't come up for air this week.

For the record I think it went wrong when you blabbed to that other colleague about the two of you. Privacy is obviously very important to this man and you didn't respect that. Now he just wants to give you a wide berth. Let him off.

I think you may have all extrapolated way to much about the amount of regular unprotected sex I have and how much of a drain I am on the NHS If you actually read my comments so far I think I've mentioned I wasn't seeing anyone for a long time prior to starting this job, then I was in a six month relationship. Regardless of how serious I think commitments are/how 'not that type' someone is I still get tested though because shit happens and you clearly never know!

I didn't sleep with man no three and had absolutely no intention of doing so. I was trying to subtly redirect the conversation away from anything inappropriate by bringing up his own girlfriend at first.

I've also learnt the hard way that men don't always respect a woman's right to turn them down just because and definitely not without making it awkward. If a stranger approaches me I always invent a fake boyfriend, but I thought in this case I kind of had someone he knew to deflect that. Obviously in retrospect it was a terrible idea and I was incredibly clumsy about the whole thing but nothing I can do about that now.

@Sagradafamiliar I'm not trying to shame her I'm telling her to take some responsibility.

You think it's reasonable to have multiple sexual health tests because she's 'entitled to them' rather than just take responsibility and use condoms?
Ok that's fine then. I assume you feel the same about people who visit A&E for bullshit reasons because they're entitled to?

It's not hard to avoid STI's and she's openly admitted she's using tests instead of condoms.

She's had the same sex education as me and everyone else my age. I'm not being holier than though because we all make mistakes, and chlamydia is easily resolved. But what happens when the next time it's HIV?

OP I'm sorry if any of my posts have been harsh but please do use condoms, especially if the other person hasn't recently has themselves tested, for your own safety.

So he’s basically a fuc*k boy.

You sound nice but naive. I am old and have spent many years working in male dominated environments so I hope you don't mind if I give you some advice, especially if you are serious about having a career.

1. Don't sleep with your co-workers. Seriously. Just don't. It rarely ends well for women.

1. Don't get drunk at work.

1. When you are at work, focus on work, not on whatever soap operas are going on.

Sadly women are judged differently to men. If you want to be taken seriously you need to act like it.

Op I don't mean to worry you but you can't just forget about condoms unless you're in a long term relationship and you've both been tested!

Have you been tested for hiv? I'm not being rude but so many young people put their health at risk especially when super gonnorhoea going around.
That basically means it is hard to treat as it has a multi-resistancy to antibiotics. You can even get free condoms from a gum clinic. Good luck!!!

@GiveHerHellFromUs you can make stupid assumptions all you want. In that case l'll assume that you think people should be turned down for treatment because they should've been more responsible. Because that's what it sounds like. And that's a very dark slope to go down.

@Sagradafamiliar I just don't think sexual health tests should be used as a form of contraception in the same way terminations shouldn't be used as a form of contraception.

I think they're both absolutely vital and people who need them should 100% have access to them, but they should be a back up plan and not a first resort.

I thought moral judgements on people with STDs ended years ago. This is not a welcome return.

OP You know the culture of your company best. I worked in places where everybody was shagging each other when I was your age. The reason not to do it is not morals or professionalism - each workplace has its own sets of mores - but when your feelings get hurt, that's when you stop. Some people have the kind of personality that means they can shag around and not worry about it, which is great for them, but it doesn't sound like you do.

Hope today goes all right.

I thought moral judgements on people with STDs ended years ago. This is not a welcome return.
These aren't moral judgements but practical advice. OP seems to think catching STDs is a normal part of life for somebody her age.
It's a good thing for her to be told that, actually, it's really not!

People were saying that she should judge the guy by the fact he had chlamydia. Now obviously this man is a grade A wanker, but not because he had chlamydia.

To be clear, YES for her own safety she should use condoms, as should everybody having casual sex. But it's not a moral issue.

@GiveHerHellFromUs can you not derail the thread into an abortion debate? No one asked for your opinions on who does or doesn't merit one.

STI testing isn't a form of contraception btw, so you can't accuse the OP of that. She'd be doing the impossible.

Loopery yours is one of the most vile posts I've ever read on here. I feel like bleaching my eyeballs.

@loopery what the fuck?