Wasn't open to office romance but still slept with me

[cosmonautkitten]

I started my current job about a year and a half ago, fairly standard office. One guy caught my eye straight away but it took us a few months to really end up having one on one chats, especially as I was still finding my feet and he’s really serious about his job in general.

In Spring last year we were the last two left after a work night and just stayed talking for hours more. When he was in the bathroom a group of guys came over and when he came back they asked if I was his girlfriend and he said no, it was a policy of his that he wouldn’t ever shit where he eats. I was a little disappointed but as we hadn’t really talked much anyway and nothing massively flirty it was easy to accept.

In May I started a thing with another co-worker who I dated for about six months. It didn’t work out but didn’t impact our professional relationship at all. During this relationship man 1 and I spent a couple of nights together after work at the pub (last two standing type deal) but got on well on these occasions. Despite these situations being very platonic I didn’t tell 1 about my relationship with 2 - not sure why as most of the rest of the office knew.

At our Christmas party in early December, 1 and I ended up spending pretty much the whole night together talking, eventually getting onto our past relationships. I finally mentioned that I dated 2 as part of this so he clearly then knew I wasn’t adverse to office relationships as at the end of the night we were the last two again - but this time 1 kissed me. It was definitely initiated by him as I wouldn't have ever made the first move based on our previous chats.

We ended up going home together and having pretty good sex that night and again in the morning. Two days later on Friday it was someone’s leaving drinks and we ended up leaving after only an hour so we could spend time just the two of us. As soon as we left he kissed me really intensely in the street like he’d been dying to for ages... and then the week following all this he asked me out again one on one.

Due to Christmas we weren’t in the office for a couple weeks and didn’t text either. Unfortunately during this time I got an std test and found out he had given me chlamydia. I waited till we were back in the office so I could tell him in person. His reaction was quite refreshing, very concerned for me (it was clear he didn’t know he already had it). He kept messaging me that night and was generally mature about the situation.

We started having more personal chat at work than ever before so I asked him out spontaneously one evening. He had family commitments but said he definitely wanted me to ask him again. I promised I would and genuinely believed he meant it.

This Friday it was another leaving do and he came straight over as soon as he saw me in the pub and again we spent a lot of time talking and he found reasons to touch my hand or make lots of contact when going past me.

Later in the evening he was outside smoking and I started talking to one of our other coworkers. The conversation ended up a little weird despite this man having a long distance partner so to shut this down I said I was seeing 1 but I was a little concerned he wasn’t as in to me. This coworker said I didn’t need to worry, he could tell 1 obviously liked me based on the way he was looking at me that evening and would be an idiot to turn me down.

After this conversation 1 finally asks me if I want to leave with him but it’s pretty late and I’ve gotten really unexpectedly drunk. He asked why me and the other coworker looked so close. It’s bit fuzzy but I think I said ‘don’t worry we were just talking about his girlfriend... and you’. He got flustered and said ‘why me?’. There’s then a chunk missing in which I think I may have talked about my ex, colleague 2, for some reason but I do then remember him asking if I want a relationship. I said ‘yes’ but am too drunk to elaborate.

His face just dropped and he repeated about three times in a row ‘I can’t date a colleague’ and we called it a night. Again, what happened exactly after he said that is a mystery but we definitely went our separate ways.

By Saturday evening I’m feeling increasingly more upset about what happened and not knowing so I text him to say that I don’t remember exactly what our conversation was, that I was incredibly drunk and really concerned that I said something wrong.

He replied saying it’s not my fault but just he never wanted to get involved with anyone at work and that he didn’t want to come back with me and then mess me about. I clarified that by ‘relationship’ I meant carrying on what we were doing and seeing if it went anywhere more naturally - that I was open to the possibility rather than seeing him as my boyfriend already. To this he said along the lines of: ‘yeah I completely understand you now but I do think I just want to go back to my old policy and not mix the two, 100% a me thing, nothing you’ve done at all’.

I felt ok yesterday after this convo but I woke up feeling terrible and have basically been crying all day.

I’ve always known that he has massive hangups about getting involved with a colleague as he told me when we were just friends but I thought as he managed to overcome this enough to sleep with me we were done with that? I’m really dreading seeing him on Monday - I’ve basically been rehearsing a ‘take me back speech’ in my head all weekend and don’t trust myself not to make an absolute idiot of myself if he genuinely doesn’t want me. I honestly might call in sick tomorrow, don’t know what to do.

‘Scheduled drinks event’
You are already teeing up more shenanigans. You sound very passive about this all.

It is easy.

Go for 2 drinks. Leave at 8. If he tries to corner you say hi but I must go and speak to X now. Have 2 drinks. Work the room. Don’t work him. Then leave at 8.

He's played you.

OP, theres a poster who posts here quite often. Again, she has been told by him he isnt interested in a relationship. He has been clear he shags other people. Not even respectful about it. She thinks he wants more because they have dinner or go out. But he doesnt. He keeps telling her he doesnt.

She is you further down the road. Acting as though 'oh scheduled work drinks I can not go'. Yes you can. You can be not feeling well, or go for one (unless you also have a drink issue) or two, stay away from him and leave.

You remind me of her because you come across as everything is happening to you, and you cant control it. I predict you will sleep with him again, or at least try and establish FWB, while deep down wanting more, spending time reading his behaviour as 'ohhh he is starting to open up and has feelings.' Or 'he is getting over his aversion to relationships at work' and you will be knocked back time and time again.

This is your first job. You havent learnt this yet. But everyone knows, everyone in your office knows you have already slept with 2 people and know you are hanging on for any scraps this man gives you. It will damage your job. If you cant trust yourself to not get drunk and beg him to sleep with you, dont go.

Start taking charge of your own life. Be an active participant.

Crikey! What kind of place are you working in!
To be honest, someone who when asked, said they would never shit where they eat, I wouldn't have gone to bed with, as those guys who came over and asked, were no one special, that he had to be a clever dick with, and come out with such things.
Sorry, but there are plenty of men who will happily bed women but still don't fancy a relationship.
He has a few issues if you ask me, and it seems like he goes around saying to himself that he must not get involved with a colleague, it hasn't worked for him though, clearly.
I'm sorry you ended up with chlamydia, did you not use protection? Because to me someone who doesn't do, what he clearly does do, is a bit alarming, and though he might of been genuinely surprised that you had it/didn't know he had it, that says a lot about him! What else might he have?! That he didn't realise. Unless a condom has broken etc and one did not realise, then you know, having had unprotected intercourse, that these things can happen.
I am by no means slaying anyone, just saying, plenty of us have been in these situations.

I think as hard as it is, you hold your head up high and remember that even if it isn't the job of the century, sorry not sure exactly what you do/salary etc, a job is still a job, and worth you going in to work and being present, than this guy who I don't want to offend you, but is a bit of a loser!

P.s how many other 'colleagues' has he done the deed with, but still telling you and whoever else, that he doesn't mix business with pleasure🤦‍♀️

Oh wonderful so he slept with you, a colleague that he had a policy about not doing things with. Did not use a condom, so he could of had a child on the way too then, unless you told him you had an implant? Which doesn't usually come up in such circumstances.

I get tested after every sexual partner

You're doing it all wrong, you should be testing before each partner, not after! Catching STDs isn't an inevitable part of life! Don't let people shag you without a condom until they've been tested. Simple.

Not being funny, but if you don't have a blase attitude to STI's, why would you go after every sexual partner, forgive me, this could be to be on the safe side, but usually if condoms are used, this would usually mean you not having to go and get tested all the time.
Also when you say you don't sleep with enough people to have passed anything on in the two week window period, that says a lot! Who says something like that?! So what, you leave just enough time for anything to show up on a test, before sleeping with a new person?!
Did you know, that for something like HIV it can take up to 3 months for it to show on a test.

I know you are young, and I would love to be your age again, but please enjoy your life but be safe! We've all had our mad days, I being one of them, but I think this recent situation with the guys, the alcohol etc should be taken as a warning! Don't push things further and wait to see what happens!x

Oh deary. First off, you're a convenient shag. That's it.

Second off, I slept around A LOT when I was your age, but I just got a reputation, when really I wanted a relationship.

There are so many men out there, try to keep the workplace as a no-go zone.

Don't be telling other colleagues that you're seeing him when you're not.

And please use condoms. It could just as easily have been HIV that you picked up.

And tomorrow - just be professional. No need to be cold, or to have any drama - just act professional.

Op, 2 or 3 drinks max Wednesday, decide which beforehand. 2 if you’re a lightweight. Say to colleagues I’m cutting back for all February. Cool and mature. And no more sleeping with colleagues.

Maybe I'm biased because my fiancé and I were/are colleagues. I read somewhere that a very high percentage of couples meet in the workplace so all this 'NEVER shit where you eat' stuff isn't all that accurate in the real world. I'm not saying it can't turn messy, mind. Only that it's not the crime of the century, especially when you're 24.

She should definitely be using protection though. I agree with a lot of the sentiments from posters I just think much of it is being said in a very judgemental, superior and unkind way as if nobody else has ever been young, reckless and a bit naive.

But hey, it is MN after all...

OP you need to look after yourself more. Pull your boundaries up so you are physically safer and to protect your mental health. The STI and anxiety you are experiencing should have taught you that casual relationships where you're being hopeful and taking risks are a let down.

Next time use protection and talk first to see what the man's intentions are - then listen. If he says he doesn't want a relationship or wants things to be casual he just wants sex.

Don’t all in sick. Go to work and put on a magnificent performance of “I don’t care and I’ve moved on”.

(I’m with the posters who say give the OP a break. She is 24 years old. We all have to learn about relationships somehow, and it’s a shame that she had to learn from this arse.)

Incidentally, OP, I wouldn’t go near anybody who says things like, “I don’t shit where I eat”! What is he, a farmyard animal? Look for polite, articulate men who can convey the same sentiment - that they don’t get involved with colleagues - without swearing, trying to have no-strings sex with you and giving you an STI!

Don’t CALL in sick, that should say.

Well we could be giving the OP a lot of slack for being young but I can only go on my own experience.

IME there were loads of affairs in the two decades I spent in a corporate environment before I went freelance.

Unfortunately in so many cases the women did badly out of it because they showed the same responses as the OP. The men just did it and moved on and got on with their work, while the women involved other colleagues because they couldn't keep their emotions separate from their work.

Eventually it all got out and the women involved were almost always on the next list of redundancies as they were deemed vulnerable. Just don't mix work and pleasure if you want a career!!

Agreed, but it’s happened now and it’s all about how she deals with it. She’s only 24 and a load of criticism from some of the posters on this thread isn’t going to help her to pick herself up, dust herself down and get on with her life!

Fuck me sounds like posters have worked in some really boring places. OP, shag every single unattached man in the place if you like! Nobody else's business and if that gets you a reputation so what?! Luckily we don't have to worry about what maiden aunts will say in this day and age! Just let this one go, use protection and enjoy it and meet your targets which you do! You do you and fuck these lot trying to lecture you and shame you for shagging two blokes in the same company... so what?! You're 24, do exactly what you want (safely!!)

Im late 40s and still had a fling with a man in my office. I didn't tell anyone at work tho. That's the trick to work relationships. Don't tell anyone unless it becomes serious. And make sure you can still go to work, act normal and work together even if it all goes wrong. So onlookers would never know

You're upset because he's just not that into you and it hurts your ego. Trust me though, move on with dignity.

If you want to be known as a consummate professional what ElloBrian said - over and over again.

If you want to be known for your willingness to screw your co-workers and risk possible promotion because of your sleazy/flaky reputation, take Onemansoapopera's unwise advice.

If a truly unique and irresistible colleague hoves into view, take Missillusioned's words on board but don't tell anyone in your workplace until the wedding invitations have been printed.

And give Wednesday's drinks night a miss - plead a prior engagement with an elderly relative who you cannot disappoint or develop a headache just before leaving the office.

This time chlamydia, next time HIV.
You're age group has had one of the best sex educations so far and it appears to have fallen on deaf ears.
Reasons he could have chosen not to date at work:
If he goes for a promotion then he will possibly be your senior which may affect their decision to promote him due to working relationships policies.
He doesn't want his sex life being part of the work gossip.
He's not mature enough to hold down a relationship in general and just wanted to use you for sex.
Walk away and focus on your career.

He’s given you chlamydia and he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. He’s told you this to your face. If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. Move on, and be grateful you only got chlamidia and not something worse.

Re the chlamydia: I am aware that it's pretty prevalent in my age group atm (we're both 24).

I'm 24 and can confirm that neither I nor any of my close friends of a similar age have/had chlamydia or any other STI. It's only prevalent in people who practice unprotected sex and it's really irresponsible.

I don't know how you can be so blasé about it.

You're literally saying "it's ok, everyone's getting it" like it's a belly button piercing when you're 13. It's not cool to have joined the chlamydia club.

Maybe you should just stop having sex until you've grown up a little.