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Original poster

partner suddenly against marriage

81 replies

JaneOo · 30/01/2020 13:28

Hi,
Im sure this has happened the world over but Im feeling really at a loss and would love to get any advice.
I have a partner of 8 years, we have a child together who is 4 and we have lived together for 8 years. We've travelled, renovated a house and about 5 years ago I left my career in teaching because we wanted to travel for a few months. Also even day going to work was stressful as he used to not like that I worked with male colleagues and made my life difficult. It was easier and also very very agreeable to me. Especially as he was earning a lot of money at the time.
We have a nice life and have our ups and downs. He has a lot of time to spend on his creative work. I have less time to myself and I dont really have many friends anymore.
We have talked about marriage before and he's said oh he'd like to do it somewhere far away in a lovey place.. which sounded lovely.
Well years later I have became very aware of my vulnerable situation regarding legal rights financially as well as other things. If he left me I would be in serious trouble having gave up my career. Everything is in his name and he owns his business. I am worried if one of us dies or becomes ill then it neither of us can make decisions for one another.

I've mentioned marriage to him because it was clear he was never going to ask. Now he said he's against marriage and always has been. He's say he loves me and is committed to me. That he will do a civil partnership but not marriage and doesn't want to do the wedding thing. I have never wanted anything big and fancy, all i would like is just a small celebration with close family and friends.. because why not? we celebrate birthdays!
He's just got this really sudden aversion to it and I can't help feeling he's made promises to his ex who he broke up with after 9 years because he wouldn't have children with her..
Anyway so I feel a bit trapped. Stuck in a situation where Ive got no power in the relationship, no security and it's making me anxious. He can be quite controlling sometimes and does try and gas light me quite often. He threatens to leave me at the sniff of an argument.
I love him and want to be with him. This makes me not sure he feels the same despite what he says. What would you do?

OP posts:
Batqueen · 30/01/2020 13:32

Well a civil partnership would give you the same rights and protections legally, but if he’s controlling and threatens to leave you every time you have an argument it doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship to be in.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2020 13:34

Why do you want to marry a controlling jealous man? Please don't say because you love him

loopery · 30/01/2020 13:36

What would you have to do to get your career back? That should be your priority right now. You are in a right state here. This relationship is over as he’s lied through his teeth.

MMmomDD · 30/01/2020 13:36

What you do is arrange a civil partnership date ASAP. It gives you the same protection as marriage. And hope for the best.
He does seem controlling and who knows if this relationship would last.
If he says no to that - you must then start rebuilding your life.
Luckily teaching is an easier profession to return to than some.
If he objects to civil partnership and/or you going back to work - you can tell him that since he isn’t willing to give you financial protection you need to make sure that you aren’t totally trapped in case something happens.
BTW - why is everything on his name? Why didn’t you insist you are included at least on the properties????

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 30/01/2020 13:38

You're in a really vulnerable position, and your partner knows that. Go back to teaching and LTB.

category12 · 30/01/2020 13:46

I'd do the civil partnership. At least he's willing to give you the legal and financial protection. Seems reasonable and like someone who genuinely doesn't agree with marriage and isn't just trying to get out of his responsibilities.

category12 · 30/01/2020 13:47

And I'd arrange a party for afterwards anyway.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/01/2020 13:53

Has this got anything to do with him owning the house in his sole name?

Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 13:54

Thanks for the replies.. Its so helpful to have opinions.. I feel that what I have written makes him seem like a really controlling person. He's not that bad, we have fun and have a nice life. There are a few issues now and again which, are bad yes. He is a nice person though generally. We had a few dodgy issues at the start of the relationship and yes he was controlling I guess.
I am working on my own business but its really hard, Im working really hard to earn my own money and Im very close. I could go looking for a job but it would be difficult with childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 13:57

I actually own the house in my sole name but it makes no odds because I couldn't afford the mortgage if I was on my own now I don't have a job. I guess what I mean by everything in his name is the business that supports the family and all the other means of finance etc

OP posts:
category12 · 30/01/2020 13:58

What don't you like about his offer of civil partnership?

Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 14:08

well I guess in all honesty I would have liked a bit of romance and a small celebration.. its just seems like he doesn't want anyone to know about it but will reluctantly 'do the right thing' Wether its a civil partnership or marriage doesn't matter to me.. Id go and sign papers no problem but its literally marching him there lol

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 30/01/2020 14:12

Get the civil partnership ASAP. At least that way you have legal protection. Whether you get married or split up, at least you have that protection.

BigFatLiar · 30/01/2020 14:16

Would he do marriage if it was just the two of you (plus children) and a couple of witnesses at the registry office?

Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 14:16

I suppose it makes me angry that he's suddenly against it and he's even saying that apparently he's always been against it and made that clear and apparently i have too.. weird..because like i say he's even brought it up in the past when we've been away. It was the same with having our child, we talked about it for years wouldn't it be lovely etc and then when it came to it he was saying the same.. I was going to have to break it off because I was at that age and I wanted a child. So he gave in and now he's so happy he did.
But its all so exhausting. Im feeling a bit worthless to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 14:16

maybe I think so..

OP posts:
peachgreen · 30/01/2020 14:18

Get independent financial advice. If you own the house solely then you may be in a better position remaining unmarried. If not, get the civil partnership ASAP and then work out if this is the right relationship for you.

Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 14:18

yes, I feel thats what needs to happen. It's not like he's saying he doesn't love me or want to be with me. I feel that he's being stubborn because of his previous relationship. I think he feels guilty about it..

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 30/01/2020 14:19

I don’t get why he’d do a civil partnership but not marriage? Is he worried about the ceremony (shy etc)? Would he do a wedding with just you and witnesses and no party?

BoxedWine · 30/01/2020 14:19

CP seems a good option here. Why not do that, if it was the legalities you wanted?

corduroyal · 30/01/2020 14:20

So big red flags op:
Not liking you working with male colleagues
You have no time for anything but he does 'creative work'
You have become isolated from friends
He threatens to leave you (destitute) when you stand up for yourself

Maybe he's nice despite this but I doubt it. It sounds like you've been whittled away until the sole source of self esteem you have is him caring about you.

I'm not experienced enough to say what you should do about this but it doesn't sound like a nice way to live.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/01/2020 14:21

If I give you a cup of tea that's 80% tea but 20% shit, it's still a shut cup of tea... it isn't lovely apart from the bad bits. The bad bits shouldn't happen.

He's made himself clear, he won't be marrying you. Whether or not you stay with him, you need your career back as a priority.

desperatesux · 30/01/2020 14:23

I would bet my bottom dollar that he doesn't know civil partnership has the same rights as marriage, when he realises not sure he will be so keen
I would get this organised ASAP, you can always have a party afterwards
If he backs out you are going to have to start planning to leave him, getting back into the workforce for starters. He can pay for the childcare, might focus his mind

DonnaDarko · 30/01/2020 14:24

I think you should go back to work. Then once you have some financial independence, figure out if you need him around...he sounds quite controlling. I have worked in mostly tech. In some cases, I was the only woman in my team. If my partner had ever made a big deal out of it, he wouldn't be my partner.

Redwinestillfine · 30/01/2020 14:24

Book a civil partnership. If he tries to weasel out of that you have your answer. No reason a civil partnership can't be romantic, but more importantly it will stop you being vulnerable.

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