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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner suddenly against marriage

81 replies

JaneOo · 30/01/2020 13:28

Hi,
Im sure this has happened the world over but Im feeling really at a loss and would love to get any advice.
I have a partner of 8 years, we have a child together who is 4 and we have lived together for 8 years. We've travelled, renovated a house and about 5 years ago I left my career in teaching because we wanted to travel for a few months. Also even day going to work was stressful as he used to not like that I worked with male colleagues and made my life difficult. It was easier and also very very agreeable to me. Especially as he was earning a lot of money at the time.
We have a nice life and have our ups and downs. He has a lot of time to spend on his creative work. I have less time to myself and I dont really have many friends anymore.
We have talked about marriage before and he's said oh he'd like to do it somewhere far away in a lovey place.. which sounded lovely.
Well years later I have became very aware of my vulnerable situation regarding legal rights financially as well as other things. If he left me I would be in serious trouble having gave up my career. Everything is in his name and he owns his business. I am worried if one of us dies or becomes ill then it neither of us can make decisions for one another.

I've mentioned marriage to him because it was clear he was never going to ask. Now he said he's against marriage and always has been. He's say he loves me and is committed to me. That he will do a civil partnership but not marriage and doesn't want to do the wedding thing. I have never wanted anything big and fancy, all i would like is just a small celebration with close family and friends.. because why not? we celebrate birthdays!
He's just got this really sudden aversion to it and I can't help feeling he's made promises to his ex who he broke up with after 9 years because he wouldn't have children with her..
Anyway so I feel a bit trapped. Stuck in a situation where Ive got no power in the relationship, no security and it's making me anxious. He can be quite controlling sometimes and does try and gas light me quite often. He threatens to leave me at the sniff of an argument.
I love him and want to be with him. This makes me not sure he feels the same despite what he says. What would you do?

OP posts:
KarenW · 30/01/2020 14:30

Is he already married to his ex?

Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 14:41

Thanks everyone.. Im going to give myself a few more months on the self employed thing because Ive been working really hard, its just not quite there yet but within reach. If not I'll be going job hunting. And in the mean time I think i'll take him up on the civil partnership like some of you have said. Just because Ive dedicated so much of my life to our family and made lots of sacrifices I deserve legal recognition at the very least. I know how its sounds about the male colleagues etc but really he's chilled out so much now. I was a little bit on the wild side I suppose. Thanks so much everyone. Its helped

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneOo · 30/01/2020 14:53

No he's not married to his ex.. But he was with her for a long time.. she wanted kids and marriage but he didn't so they eventually broke up. She was reaching the age of no return. I am a bit younger than both of them. They had been split up for 2 years when I met him. But I felt sorry for her in a way. Especially when we had our child

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 31/01/2020 08:20

she wanted kids and marriage but he didn't so they eventually broke up

So he has form for being less than clear with a partner about what he really wants, being honest I don't like the sound of him OP and I wouldn't trust him either. Not to go all Dr Phil on you but the best indicator of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 31/01/2020 08:24

Please get some legal advice before you do anything! As a pp said, if the house is in your name you might be financially better off not getting married but there are a lot of different factors involved. Quietly go and see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand before making any big decisions.

Cyberve · 31/01/2020 08:27

I wouldn't get married or even a civil partnership. The house is in your name only. Kick him out and go back to teaching.

Get married and he has a right to the house.

wotonearthisthis · 31/01/2020 08:31

If the house is in your sole name please don't get married or have a civil partnership. It's your only asset right now!

Get yourself into a position where you are earning enough to cover the mortgage and bills, you need to be financially independant because he really doesn't sound like a good long term bet. Plenty of women manage to work and use childcare, you're a teacher which means your holidays would roughly coincide with your childs school holidays? Get back into teaching as a long term strategy, he has manouvered you into a position where you are incredibly vulnerable, you need to reverse that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/01/2020 08:35

Can you go back to teaching and keep your business as a sideline?
Even if you stay together you're independently financially stable then.

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/01/2020 08:36

Agree with @cyberve. If you marry him he could very well end up with a claim on the house. Whether you marry him or not you'll still be able to claim CMS if/when you spilt. Assuming he doesn't use the fact he's self employed to hide his earnings.

Original poster
JaneOo · 31/01/2020 09:23

I worked in higher education and so the holidays are not the same.. Im trying not to give too much away on the very slim chance someone I know reads this :D There have been many issues with us and I'm only just becoming aware of things such as he's always said he's supported me but not acknowledging I gave up my job to do the travelling he desperately wanted to do and then to raise our child. He sees it as he's done me a massive favour so that gets regularly thrown in my face if theres a hint of an argument. I am realising he does have manipulative traits but i really dont think he realises himself. We are moving house because we are relocating and so I have to sell this house to release the money for a deposit on the new one. Both of our names would go on the new one but I think Im classed as a dependant now as far as mortgages go.
All of this moving etc, my friend diagnosed with terminal cancer and the fact I have a different name to my child has caused me to really look at the situation. Ive realised how naive Ive been and how Ive got myself into this weak position. I want to be with him. No one is 100% including myself but we are good together on the whole. And we have our son to think about.
But yes I've looked at his past behaviour and he just said she wasn't the right person and they had not much in common.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/01/2020 09:25

He told you he didn't marry her because she wasn't the right person and now he won't marry you OP.

Shadyshadow · 31/01/2020 09:28

OP, I know you want to give the business a bit longer. But you are unlikely to walk back into a job tomorrow.

Start looking for work whilst doing the business. It could be a few months before you find something.

You can work around child care. Especially in teaching. Lots of single parents do. even if all your holidays dont match your childs, lots will over lap. So it will be easier. As a single parents trying to sort the school holidays is the hardest part.

He isnt a good partner. He is controlling and he led you to believe he wanted to marry you, when he doesnt. He didnt eant to marry his ex. You knew this. It seems he convinced you he didnt want to marry her. Rather than not marry at all. Yet he stayed with her a long time? Why would he do that to someone when he knows that's what they want? Why waste her time.

He isnt a good person. He may have good points, but he is a shit.
You are financially vulnerable. You chose this position. Choose to get yourself out.

Shadyshadow · 31/01/2020 09:29

But yes I've looked at his past behaviour and he just said she wasn't the right person and they had not much in common

He though that but stayed with her? Wasted her time?

How can you respect someone who treated someone they apparantly love, like that.

Shadyshadow · 31/01/2020 09:33

I worked in higher education and so the holidays are not the same

Ok, but single parents manage it anyway. So you can. And he is still the childs father. At least, Part of the care will be his.

Do not out any money in a house that's in his name solely. And if you are putting more in, protect yourself.

He sounds awful. Selfish.

You are investing in a false economy. Your son should see a father who respects his partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2020 10:00

What are you getting out of this relationship now ?

Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships ?. This dysfunctional and abusive model of one.

Your son will continue to grow up seeing you as his mother abused if you stay with your abuser. Is that what you want to teach him about relationships?

I would not sell your one asset here nor have a civil partnership (that will in all likelihood have to be dissolved and that will be messy too)

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Original poster
JaneOo · 31/01/2020 10:09

He does sound awful. It feels awful to write these things down because I really don't feel it reflects his character. They are just bad bits and over time things have got much better. None of us are perfect. He did chose to have a child with me. It did take an ultimatum because I was reaching that age. But in the end I figured he was just burying his head. He did want a child but I think he worried about losing his identity overall. He's got creative ambitions and is doing quite well. I think he was worried he'd have to suddenly stop being interesting. Im thinking its possibly the same with the marriage thing.. Like he feels like he's conforming or being cliche. Worried I'll start writing gift lists and seating plans. He supports me to do mine but I find it more difficult to work on my business and then find time for kids and then me time. There really isn't any way that I want to leave this person. Things aren't always black and white. He has some ugly traits and maybe i do too.
Im looking at the civil partnership thing. if he is against doing it in the end without a ceremony that will tell me more about how he feels. Im going to focus as all of you say on becoming financially viable as a priority and maybe selling the house before I have this is a bad move. ie it literally is my only asset. If i sold and put the deposit on a house with no equity and then he left me id have nothing. If we were married and the same happened I'd still have nothing and his business has the money, he doesn't earn much on paper so id get bugger all. oh ive never really realised this

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2020 10:13

This was genuinely a really sad thread to read OP.

He gaslights and manipulates you, has jealousy issues that have resulted in you being isolated (but you seem to blame this on yourself as you were "wild" before you were with him, so there is an element of shaming going on), he doesn't provide enough romance, he may still be invested enough in a relationship with his ex that he's allowing that to guide his decisions about your relationship, he's convinced you to sell your house and become a dependant on a mortgage with him even though that was your only security...

To he quite frank, he sounds awful. It was hard to see why on Earth you would still want to be with him but you said it yourself, he's made you feel worthless. This is what all these behaviours do, he's gaslighted you, judged, and rejected romantic notions from you until you've been left feeling worthless and like you don't deserve better. I do respect that you've said you love him and want to stay with him, but the honest truth is you are not worthless and you absolutely should leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2020 10:14

Did your dad treat your mother like you are now?

You get nothing good out of this relationship and you’re only staying with him for no good reason at all. This is what he is really like and he will not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2020 10:16

He targeted you Jane, I have no doubt about that at all. He has really done a right number on you here , his intention all along was to get you to this low point where you are now

Sally2791 · 31/01/2020 10:16

Get legal advice asap, he’s not a good person and you may well end leaving at some point. Try to forget romance and concentrate on the financial realities- if the house is in your sole name you may be better off not having a civil partnership.

Kit19 · 31/01/2020 10:16

Take the civil partnership OP but you’re right he doesn’t sound great

You must have the patience of a saint to put up with adolescent twaddle around conforming & losing his identity

As someone who us self employed I say get a job - the one thing pretty much every successful self employed person I know says is don’t give up regular income until your business is properly established which usually takes 3-5 years

thesunwillout · 31/01/2020 10:19

You own house?
Then do not bloody marry him or have any civil partnership.
There's capital in the house.

You know what, I'd be thinking more about ending the relationship, as he doesn't sound very nice.

Cambionome · 31/01/2020 10:19

Take legal advice IMMEDIATELY! It might not be financially advantageous to get married/civil partnership because of the house situation but that might not be the case... take this situation really seriously, op - you could find yourself in a precarious position here.

slipperywhensparticus · 31/01/2020 10:22

Do not marry this guy not even a civil partnership it wont help you it will just give him more hold over you

GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/01/2020 10:28

he doesn't earn much on paper so id get bugger all. oh ive never really realised this

This speaks volumes. You want to marry him with the intention of being better off when you split. If finances are the only reason you want to marry I wouldn't bother.

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