partner suddenly against marriage

[JaneOo]

Hi,
Im sure this has happened the world over but Im feeling really at a loss and would love to get any advice.
I have a partner of 8 years, we have a child together who is 4 and we have lived together for 8 years. We've travelled, renovated a house and about 5 years ago I left my career in teaching because we wanted to travel for a few months. Also even day going to work was stressful as he used to not like that I worked with male colleagues and made my life difficult. It was easier and also very very agreeable to me. Especially as he was earning a lot of money at the time.
We have a nice life and have our ups and downs. He has a lot of time to spend on his creative work. I have less time to myself and I dont really have many friends anymore.
We have talked about marriage before and he's said oh he'd like to do it somewhere far away in a lovey place.. which sounded lovely.
Well years later I have became very aware of my vulnerable situation regarding legal rights financially as well as other things. If he left me I would be in serious trouble having gave up my career. Everything is in his name and he owns his business. I am worried if one of us dies or becomes ill then it neither of us can make decisions for one another.

I've mentioned marriage to him because it was clear he was never going to ask. Now he said he's against marriage and always has been. He's say he loves me and is committed to me. That he will do a civil partnership but not marriage and doesn't want to do the wedding thing. I have never wanted anything big and fancy, all i would like is just a small celebration with close family and friends.. because why not? we celebrate birthdays!
He's just got this really sudden aversion to it and I can't help feeling he's made promises to his ex who he broke up with after 9 years because he wouldn't have children with her..
Anyway so I feel a bit trapped. Stuck in a situation where Ive got no power in the relationship, no security and it's making me anxious. He can be quite controlling sometimes and does try and gas light me quite often. He threatens to leave me at the sniff of an argument.
I love him and want to be with him. This makes me not sure he feels the same despite what he says. What would you do?

The point of the household chores is to show how unequal their marriage is. And that working FT does not absolve one of household duties.

Many women do what DH does: wakes up, gets their kids ready, kids in childcare, comes home, does the evening, cooks or batch cooks, does the night routine, laundry and all of the weekends. Their husbands NEVER get asked ‘so what do YOU do?’ And they should. The OP (and plenty of people) have been socialised into a world where they must be grateful if a man does household chores while holding down a full time job or think that a SAHM must also do absolutely everything and be grateful for that. Not that the husband should be grateful that someone is doing absolutely everything for him. THIS is why this is relevant.

(Not to mention the gaslighting, the male colleagues and all the other red flags).

OP the only acceptable about of gaslighting, threats, control, jealousy etc in a relationship is NONE. This man sounds absolutely vile but sadly it also sounds like you see him as a bit of a cash cow. Nothing about this relationship sounds pleasant or healthy, whatever good qualities he might have. Abusers aren’t horrid all the time - I’m sure plenty of people thought Harold shipman was a lovely doctor. And no, I would never give up my career for any bloke wanting to take me round the world. I’d book time off and never, ever become dependent financially on anyone else

“He sees my position as something he’s given me”

That’s an odd statement - what position has he given you?

Him not wanting to marry you is the least of your worries. Him making your life difficult and you choosing the path of least resistance is the greater problem.

You have a significant asset which he has no financial claim over, that is a plus but..... if he buggers off tomorrow then you are up financial shit creek. Being self employed makes it easy for him to screw you on maintenance and given his controlling tendencies, screwing you financially would be far too tempting to him.

You need an independent financial income source ASAP.

He sees my position as something he’s given me

Does he realise that you've given him a roof over his head?

Sorry OP but this guy sounds awful. I feel sorry you had a dc. With him instead of finding someone that thought much higher of you. My sister did what you've done. Tbh they just mull alongside each other now. Everyone acknowledges behind their backs they are not great together but they choose to stick together even though my sister would 100% be better off with someone else who is on the same page as her.
Anyway what I'm saying really is, in your shoes I'd get back to work, there are definitely opportunities in teaching right now and work yourself to be completely financially independent of him so you can CHOOSE to be with this man vs feeling stuck and feeling like the next step is to force a marriage to prove how you're so connected to him.
I'd also get financial advice to help protect yourself. Most men won't marry after changing their minds on the subject because they figure you're not going anywhere so why bother you. Is that really who you deserve to be with?