How much does a man who exploits a vulnerable woman know what he's doing?

[Interestedwoman]

Silly question really I suppose!

I'm still reeling from the impact of my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want

I don't want to reach the conclusions I'm reaching.....

This is a highly qualified therapist (not mine!) at the height of his professional development.

Before we started a sexual relationship I said 'I have bipolar, I've gone into hypomania, and it's effecting my libido.' This was kind of an aside comment. I didn't realise the implications of this myself at the time, I was just ridiculously horny lol (out of character- changes in mood and behaviour.)

He claims that as it's not his exact field, he didn't know what this means in terms of consent etc. He has a PhD in therapy and stuff from a reputable university. Amongst other books, there's a book called 'Psychiatric Diagnoses' on his bookcase , and a copy of the DSM.

I think I'm starting to struggle......

He claims he asked if I was ok with everything we did that summer before we did it (which he did.) I've said 'I don't have any regrets.' He said 'there you are then.' But still

So

1. A bloke who's a therapist and self-confessedly a bit of a narc thought he had such a depth perception of the human will that he could establish consent for individual acts each time from someone, despite them being hypomanic.

or
2) A bloke decides to milk a woman's mental state for all it's worth for several months.

or

3. He's just an innocent bloke, acting like a bloke

or -any other ideas you may have? --

He claims he's not a therapist 24/7, when he's off work he's basically 'just a bloke.' But you don't forget everything you know, do you? :/ This is basic stuff. He'll even have done courses on consent etc, as part of his safeguarding training, he would've been taught that people when in the throes of a hypomanic episode of bipolar or other severe mental illnesses can't consent.

This is like, GCSE psychology or whatever stuff, amirite? Or even, a friend said to me, is well known by a lot of people as it's in popular culture- TV programmes such as Peep Show or Homeland show the effect of bipolar/severe mental health episodes on libido.

'Narcboy' even patronisingly happens to have lent me a basic book on psychology a while back -this is a basic book and stuff about bipolar is in there.

I had a complete wanker of an ex and even he wouldn't do some things at one point because I was hyper! He had no qualifications in it, just general knowledge of mental health and consent.

I need help. Think I'm gonna have to call someone tomorrow- my previous therapist or someone. Not seeing my current one till next Wednesday.

Ok 'guys'- could you talk sense into me again please? I made the mistake of reading a bit that that woman sent me of what Bob was saying. I kept telling her not to send me that lol.

In that he claims that this is just what I do with everyone, fall out with people etc and stuff like that. I have ADHD/ASD so I can say the wrong thing and piss someone off by mistake etc. But this isn't like that- I didn't argue with him, I just realised what he's like and wordlessly blocked him on all fronts.

Since I read that I have a slight urge to email him and say that (while keeping on block ad not reading any reply of course. I shouldn't do that, should I? As Fred's said, Bob probably knew that what he said would get back to me, and piss me off.

Another thing Bob did say in his msg to the woman (who he was stopping messaging for his mental health not envy) is that I never stop, I am unstoppable. He is shit scared of what I'm gonna do lol That was quite flattering actually. (Nothing criminal or anything, and mostly I'm going to just leave him to live in fear of what I might do at any point. I thought that'd mess with him more than my actually doing stuff (though I am doing the police thing.)

The woman in her 60s btw, had had some experience of anal rape or something, so at the start she told him she wasn't comfortable with anal. But he told me he was still constantly trying to persuade her! Eventually she stopped seeing him I think, supposedly due to her health, but maybe she wanted free of the constant nagging to do stuff she didn't want to do. Well done that woman.

OP - just read back what you just said.

He's poisoning the well with the other person, making out like you're the bad person. Classic reverse of victim and offender.

He tries to get someone who has been anally raped have anal with him. You realise how fucked up that is, right?

Any contact is him winning. Even if you had the magic words to shrivel him to his very soul (you don't), he'd get off on it.

You might want to reconsider the contact you're having with the other women. It's no good for you and keeping him in the forefront of your mind. Also they may be his winged monkeys, intentionally or not.

You need to be doing healthy things.

Thanks @category12 x

He tries to get someone who has been anally raped have anal with him. You realise how fucked up that is, right?

I know, right? Actually, I just remembered a sister from one of the previous threads. She said she had PTSD which is triggered by a certain act, and she would see anyone nagging for that as attempting to harm her mental health.

This is like that, isn't it? Especially as this bloke is a therapist- WTAF? He just can't resist pushing at people's boundaries, can he? Well, he could just not do it. He just chooses not to have the decency.

I'm listening to 'How to Get Revenge on a Narcissist,' and Richard Gannon's saying that just saying No to this ilk is the worst thing in the world you can do as far as they're concerned lol.

That wouldn't really fall under my definition of healthy things.

Less headspace for/about him, please.

Lol, I don't think it's really about taking revenge on a narc- the title's kind of tongue in cheek.

Of course, the best revenge you can give them is no attention at all.

I still can't 100% feel whats been done. Intellectually I know it's wrong, but I'm disconnected from it emotionally. I think that's why I'm finding it helpful to consider what's been done for a while rather than just go out and have a ball or something- though I'm ok in myself and am doing plenty of activities.

Some things I think are coming back to me.

The.........and he wasn't clean! Eek! I can't even!

I think that's possibly the dear old brain doing its best to protect itself from trauma.

I mean, from your posts you have seemed at times very nonchalant (maybe not the word I'm looking for) about what's gone on, about what's happening with these other women, about the way he's treated you. Which is probably not how you're feeling in real.

But a certain amount of disconnect is probably not altogether a bad thing, considering.

I mean, from your posts you have seemed at times very nonchalant (maybe not the word I'm looking for) about what's gone on,

@category12 I think maybe it helps me put him in perspective to make a joke of it, rather that than admit the reality that he messed with me pretty badly. He's quite mockworthy really- micropenised, impotent, unable to ejaculate, with one ball. Deluded, hilariously self-aggrandizing, some of his lies transparent etc.

about what's happening with these other women

I'm glad that the older lady he was trying to pressure into anal managed to get out of it. It might be good to have a chat to her. But like you said, I don't know what they'd say to him or vice versa. He's maybe fairly good at keeping people in his circle (if they don't avoid him from the start- some women get the measure of him and steer clear, one apparently calls him 'pushy and creepy.' )

I knew what he was like until I got ill. I should've blocked him the very first time he popped up with the 'looking for a woman to help me with a research paper on alternative venues' (Apparently he's used this line on a lot of women! I'll know to block immediately if I come across someone who sets off those alarms off and is so obvious straight away if it happens again. Don't know why I didn't. It wasn't because I was impressed.)

Am sending you a PM xxx