How much does a man who exploits a vulnerable woman know what he's doing?

[Interestedwoman]

Silly question really I suppose!

I'm still reeling from the impact of my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want

I don't want to reach the conclusions I'm reaching.....

This is a highly qualified therapist (not mine!) at the height of his professional development.

Before we started a sexual relationship I said 'I have bipolar, I've gone into hypomania, and it's effecting my libido.' This was kind of an aside comment. I didn't realise the implications of this myself at the time, I was just ridiculously horny lol (out of character- changes in mood and behaviour.)

He claims that as it's not his exact field, he didn't know what this means in terms of consent etc. He has a PhD in therapy and stuff from a reputable university. Amongst other books, there's a book called 'Psychiatric Diagnoses' on his bookcase , and a copy of the DSM.

I think I'm starting to struggle......

He claims he asked if I was ok with everything we did that summer before we did it (which he did.) I've said 'I don't have any regrets.' He said 'there you are then.' But still

So

1. A bloke who's a therapist and self-confessedly a bit of a narc thought he had such a depth perception of the human will that he could establish consent for individual acts each time from someone, despite them being hypomanic.

or
2) A bloke decides to milk a woman's mental state for all it's worth for several months.

or

3. He's just an innocent bloke, acting like a bloke

or -any other ideas you may have? --

He claims he's not a therapist 24/7, when he's off work he's basically 'just a bloke.' But you don't forget everything you know, do you? :/ This is basic stuff. He'll even have done courses on consent etc, as part of his safeguarding training, he would've been taught that people when in the throes of a hypomanic episode of bipolar or other severe mental illnesses can't consent.

This is like, GCSE psychology or whatever stuff, amirite? Or even, a friend said to me, is well known by a lot of people as it's in popular culture- TV programmes such as Peep Show or Homeland show the effect of bipolar/severe mental health episodes on libido.

'Narcboy' even patronisingly happens to have lent me a basic book on psychology a while back -this is a basic book and stuff about bipolar is in there.

I had a complete wanker of an ex and even he wouldn't do some things at one point because I was hyper! He had no qualifications in it, just general knowledge of mental health and consent.

I need help. Think I'm gonna have to call someone tomorrow- my previous therapist or someone. Not seeing my current one till next Wednesday.

Life's too short, OP.

Stop trying to work out your narcissist-man-therapist-puzzle and start living your own life.

corrolary!!!

'"Oh my goodness, I HAD NO IDEA that imposing my sexual jollies on Interested and guilt tripping her and wearing her down is disrespectful and exploitative!!!!!!! NOW THAT I UNDERSTAND ... I will never do it again!"

@ScreamingLadySutch LOLOLOL!

Thanks all. xxx

I know I've made the right decision- it's the only decision, as what he did is so blatant to me now.

And as Fred's said, Bob knows that bipolar comes around again, so he only has to wait, which was probably part of why he was sticking around.

It still feels a bit sad today tho. :( But not going to go back.

OP, I hate to think that this man repeatedly raped you and is free to move on.

Perhaps speak to the police and see what they say.

He sounds so exploitative.

Billy- Yes, I had no idea- absolutely shocking. Skeptical of police response, but think I'll have a go.

It's worth a conversation. Emphasise that he knew you are vulnerable because of being bipolar, that he persuaded you to do things that were not in your comfort zone.

At least OP you will know that you have tried.

He sounds so awful. Jesus.

Yep I'm definitely going to give it a go. At least then something should be put on file about him in the rare event any other women report issues with His Impotency.

I had a moment today where something happened that was the sort of thing I usually would've txted him about! This is the first moment I've actually missed him really lol. I'll just have to txt someone else in future

Have hardly missed him- I think a lot of it was wearing, the implied or open 'sexual' demands etc. 'Sex' with him should always be in quotes anyway, as it was so shit.

He was a pretty crap friend in a lot of ways really.

It's early days. I'm prepared to feel all sorts of emotions etc so will see how I go.

Thanks everyone xx

IME a man doesn’t need a degree to spot a vulnerable woman a mile off.

@Joker123 True dat. :(

Having a bit of a wobble. I haven't just randomly cut off a friend, have I? I don't have many friends!

He's not your friend. Friends don't do what he does.

I understand why you feel like that and are having a wobble today.
You shared things with this person and thought he was your friend and your dip in mood is normal.
You haven’t lost a friend I promise you, it’s hard to not look back with rose tinted glasses sometimes.
Keep moving forward x

Thanks. Oh and my mum rang earlier as it's my birthday. I hadn't mentioned Bob, but she said something like 'everyone is so worried about you seeing that person.' I said 'I was on a forum chatting about what he was like, and I blocked him on everything.' And she said 'Oh that's good.' I think even my mum has been in therapy over this guy, and she hasn't even met him:)

Happy birthday OP.

I expect your bff is pleased you've got rid too?

Have a great day.

Happy birthday.

Was he a friend? Did he protect you from bad stuff, and steer you toward good stuff? Did he help you do what you wanted and needed, or did he encourage you to do what he wanted?

It looks as though the supportive people around you could tell he didn't have your best interests at heart.

Happy birthday OP, may the next year bring you peace, contentment and a couple of lovely new friends.🤬🎆

😂 I meant💐

Happy Birthday!

@category12 Yes, Fred is happy. He said 'I mean you took an overdose over him, you could have died.' I cant argue with that.

Thanks for the birthday wishes all. xxx Had a nice time, saw Fred I think (am knackered! Need to cut down on the wine.) Then today I've done loads of coursework for my Counselling Skills course. Been very productive!

I told a woman who chats to Bob online what he's like about her- he shares everything she tells him in confidence and treats her as a joke. Sadly, she so needs someone to chat to that despite knowing what he thinks of her and that he shares all her secrets with scorn, she's still going to chat to him.

The sad thing is I can kind of imagine what it's like to be in that much mental distress and so lonely that you carry on chatting to someone even knowing they despise you and can't be trusted. It's nice to realise I'm not in a position where I depend on him at the expense of my self-esteem. I've not missed him- I feel relieved to be free of the sexual nagging.

He also got her to send intimate pics and videos. She says he was constantly pestering for them, whereas he had told me she sent him unsolicited stuff and he asked her not to (which, thinking about it, would be very out of character. )

She told me to 'be very careful as he is threatening things.' I said I didn't want the details, as it'd just be added stress, but I'll mention it to the police when I see them.

I spoke to the police about him today. They're coming round on Wednesday. I'm not expecting them to do much, but at least it may lie on file. As we were 'in a relationship' they categorise it as 'a domestic.' In this day and age.

What a scumbag. Happy Birthday for yesterday

And at least she knows now. She can't say she wasn't forewarned.

In the end it doesn’t matter why he did it or how aware he was of his motives. If you keep trying to work that out you’re still focussed on him. What matters is the effect his behaviour had on you. Focus on you for a bit, try to work out what you want and what your boundaries are. That’s the best way to recover and find something good out of this. I’m glad you’ve blocked him.

This with bells on!

He used his profession as a shortcut to gain your trust. ‘He’s a therapist, therefore he’s empathetic etc’, unfortunately for you, this poor excuse for a human did know better but chose to manipulate you for his own selfish ends.

Hi everyone.

Saw my psychologist today. I said I was reporting/had reported Bob. She said if I hadn't already come to that conclusion myself, she would've brought me round to considering it.

When I spoke to the police today, they said they might consider other measures, maybe due to his line of work etc, if they thought there were safeguarding concerns. As well as the girl with a disability I mentioned he messaged with, the other woman Bob is messing with is a woman in her 60s who's quite frail. They were concerned to hear about these women.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing.