Constantly accusing and paranoid

[Paranoidaccuser]

Name changed due to outing fears*
I am currently in a relationship of 18 months and we are on the brink of breaking up due to my constant accusations and questions.
It has been going on for a while and we have been arguing every single day for the past 3 months. Things were absolutely ripped apart two weeks ago as I was on his arse asking if he messages other people, I got on him for his Instagram and following beautiful celebrities on Twitter.
He took those off Twitter telling me that he has to do that to try and stop the accusations as its draining him and he is absolutely exhausted by it all, constantly having to defend himself all the time.
I have looked through his phone which I an shamed to say, I haven't found any messages to any other woman, just once I found a porn site when it was at its extreme worse point in the relationship and a few searches of good looking celebrities etc which I can sort of deal with as I know it is extremely common for men to have visual stimulation, I am relieved that there is nothing relating to anything in real life terms but it doesnt stem my worries and accusations. The weekend was nice as I never accused, I never questioned him, we had time together the whole weekend. Come the week days where he works in the night and I'm doing school runs during the day, my head goes mad that he is using that time to messages other girls or to masturbate over these sexy women. It used to hurt a lot that he did that but someone talked me down and told me that is natural and very common and I shouldn't be worried about how he feels about me cos he does this. He showed me loved and attention but I constantly need more and more reassurance and if I dont get it my paranoid mind goes out of control 😢 I'm going to lose him and push him away cos once I get it in my head a go go go at him all day long

I’d be running far away as fast as I could if I was him.

You are abusing him.

It's really that simple. If dp told me I could masturbated or have fantasy, I would show him the door.

I've been here it's hard, at the moment I don't have time to respond fully I'll try to get back on this evening x

That's really out of control behaviour. Can you afford counselling? There must be a reason you're not trusting him?

You're going to lose him sharpish unless you start to take some responsibility for your behaviour.

Have you had therapy for this?

Can't you just leave him. Why put yourself and him through this? Ugh.

Have you had any psychological support or been to see anyone about this? There are some really self-destructive behaviours here and as you acknowledge in your post, you will push him away and cause the break-up of the relationship.
Do you feel you are not worthy of love or a good relationship? Did your parents have an unhappy relationship? Do you not have enough to fill your time - eg exercise, work, hobbies, friends so you're fixating on your relationship with him? Do you have a tendency to obsessive or black/white thinking?
These are questions to look at with the help of a good therapist.

It's a good first step to recognise that you have a problem, and quite frankly, you do have a problem here. Now you have to follow this through and get yourself some help to deal with these feelings and work out why you're being like this. As you already know, you will drive him away if it continues because no one can be expected to put up with this sort of behaviour. Hopefully someone more experienced will be along to give advice on the best resources to tap in to, to get that help. I hope you manage to sort this out OP .

You are being very controlling and I’m surprised he has put up with it for this long because it must be quite draining. You need to split up and only get into a relationship when you’re ready and with someone you trust. If someone is going to cheat on you you can’t stop them. They’ll do it no matter how many times you check their phone or cry and wail. You need to take control of your anxieties and insecurities. Cheating is no reflection on you, it just takes a certain type of person. I wasted 4 years with a man I didn’t trust, I’ve been there, checking his phone looking for evidence. I eventually found him in bed with another woman. I was furious I’d wasted so much time with someone who made it obvious from the start he’s incapable of being faithful. I then met my DH who is lovely and I can trust him. I’ve never had to check his phone or check up on him. My insecurities all disappeared with DH, he’s given me no reason to doubt him at all.

You absolutely should leave him. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are treating him. Fix yourself before you get involved with anyone.

I hope for his sake that he runs as fast as he can away from you.

I had a relationship like this. They are now 100 miles away and I have my sanity back. Get help OP. This is not normal behaviour.

I've never had a faithful relationship. Always been cheated on or abused. This guy is way out of my league. He is absolutely beautiful and has a great body. He just has this smouldering face and deep brown eyes, he takes care of his appearance and dresses really well and smells amazing all the time. I feel so boring and ugly next to him and he could do so much better. I dont think he knows it. I think he is just settling with me.
He keeps saying 'I can not deal with this same shit every day' so I asked him why is he still here. He said that he is hoping that the person he fell in love with is still there and last week he said I dont know who you are at the moment, where has my person gone.
I know what I am doing is wrong, but before I can think that my mouth opens and everything my brain has been overthinking just spills out and it's too late

He goes into this quiet state for days and I get more and more paranoid that something will happen cos he is just well and truly done with me. Trust me, I dont like who I am right now, I wish I could have the confidence to just enjoy life

I am sorry you have a bad history with relationships

It's not excuse to go abuse someone else.

Do you do this to people at work? Friends? Say horrible and nasty things to them before engaging your brain? Do you abuse them and when they retreat abuse them some more?

You need help

I don’t mean that in a nasty way but it’s the truth. This is not healthy, I would’ve left long before now if I was him

You mention a school run. What age are your children? This must be having an effect on them.

I used to be a bit like this, for the same reasons too. I only really got over it with time and understanding

People will crucify you on here for your behaviour but it's not intentional, it's because you're damaged by previous trauma. That being said, only you can help yourself and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy and he will eventually leave you if you don't stop

I had to become less emotionally dependent on my DH to get over it. I had to get to the stage where I wanted to be with him rather than needing to be with him and I'm a totally different person now

@Paranoidaccuser he loves YOU and I’m afraid to say you will lose him if this carries on. I’m not going to sit here and be horrid like some of the previous comments because I fully get it. I’m with someone now who is ina better job than me and is just a lovely guy. There’s a girl at work who likes him and is always messaging him outside work. It is exhausting but I tell myself every day he loves me, he’s a good guy coz if I don’t I would be acting like you. It’s so hard when all you’ve known is being cheated on and abused I understand. But please let your guard down or u will lose him and you will forever beat yourself up over it.

@restingbitchface30 @polkadotpixie thank you for your posts. I knew I would get some comments that came across more nasty than others but I fully understand why I got them so I'm not upset about it. The stupid thing is, I would say the same if it was the other way round! Sounds crazy and hypocritical but I would hate it if I was accused of cheating or messaging others cos I absolutely wouldn't hurt him in that way so I totally acknowledge that what I'm doing is not right at all

@polkadotpixie are your reasons because of feeling unworthy of him or anything to do with finding out about his masturbation fantasies etc. I would really feel a bit better to know that others have been through what I have and come through a better more trusting person than before

People will crucify you on here for your behaviour but it's not intentional, it's because you're damaged by previous trauma.

The problem is that if our trauma compels us to abuse other people, then it's our responsibility to not be a in a relationship until we can not abuse others.

I dont think all abusers are evil. Despite being abused myself. But I do think its selfish. To stay in a relationship, abusing someone you say you love because you dont eant to be without them. If you truly loved them, you would leave.

It is not his fault you were treated badly in the past. If you can't be in a relationship without abusing your partner (what you are doing is emotional abuse) then you need to stay single and get counselling.

OK, you need to end this relationship.
It is not fair on him.
You are not even slightly ready for a relationship yet!
No-one deserves to be abused like this.
End it with him.
Then work on yourself - A LOT.
If you have been in abusive relationships in the past then you need to contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme ASAP!
You got out of the abusive relationships you were in.
HE should do the same.
But be the better person here and set him free!

It sounds like you're subconsciously sabotaging the relationship yourself so you're proved correct in your belief that you don't deserve him.

Self fulfilling prophecy.