Constantly accusing and paranoid

[Paranoidaccuser]

Name changed due to outing fears*
I am currently in a relationship of 18 months and we are on the brink of breaking up due to my constant accusations and questions.
It has been going on for a while and we have been arguing every single day for the past 3 months. Things were absolutely ripped apart two weeks ago as I was on his arse asking if he messages other people, I got on him for his Instagram and following beautiful celebrities on Twitter.
He took those off Twitter telling me that he has to do that to try and stop the accusations as its draining him and he is absolutely exhausted by it all, constantly having to defend himself all the time.
I have looked through his phone which I an shamed to say, I haven't found any messages to any other woman, just once I found a porn site when it was at its extreme worse point in the relationship and a few searches of good looking celebrities etc which I can sort of deal with as I know it is extremely common for men to have visual stimulation, I am relieved that there is nothing relating to anything in real life terms but it doesnt stem my worries and accusations. The weekend was nice as I never accused, I never questioned him, we had time together the whole weekend. Come the week days where he works in the night and I'm doing school runs during the day, my head goes mad that he is using that time to messages other girls or to masturbate over these sexy women. It used to hurt a lot that he did that but someone talked me down and told me that is natural and very common and I shouldn't be worried about how he feels about me cos he does this. He showed me loved and attention but I constantly need more and more reassurance and if I dont get it my paranoid mind goes out of control 😢 I'm going to lose him and push him away cos once I get it in my head a go go go at him all day long

The problem is that if our trauma compels us to abuse other people, then it's our responsibility to not be a in a relationship until we can not abuse others.

You're aware of what you're doing. You're aware it's wrong. You're very aware of how deeply damaging it is. If you aren't able to stop immediately then you need to walk away from the relationship and work on yourself as an individual.

I agree with @OhMeows - you're self sabotaging because you feel the trauma of the past and believe you don't deserve the person you're with. I understand it - my ex was the same toward me, and I forgave it. Doesn't make it any less painful witnessing and being accused though.

You say he follows beautiful celebrities on IG and Twitter? So does probably the vast majority of people who use those platforms - I know I do, but I also follow tonnes of other IG celebrities for cooking, interior etc. Following a celebrity doesn't mean they are actively pursuing them, and frankly, I doubt a celebrity would give anything a passing interest even if your partner was trying. You need to allow yourself to rationalise this behaviour and you've made the first step in admitting its wrong and unhelpful.

My advice would be to end the relationship - as much as you probably don't want to, because you love him. It's unfair on him for you to behave in this way, and it's unfair for you to continue to feel this way. You need to address the trauma of your past and have some sort of therapeutical outlet for why you feel it and help moving forwards. I would be inclined to say the relationship you have at the moment is only feeding the toxicity and there isn't anything your partner can do to subside your fears, and that even if you did stop the accusations, the relationship wouldn't heal from it.

Fundamentally, trauma is shit, but you can't make your trauma someone else's. It's not fair, and you owe it to yourself and your children moving forwards to address the trauma, fear and pain and heal as a person.

You need to figure out how to back off, or let him go. This is so abusive, whether you mean to do it or not.

What is your general life like - do you work, do things for yourself etc? I think often constant accusations and paranoia can be down to having no self esteem, so you need to work on improving that.

I dont work. I have children from exH and my days are filled with school runs and then when they are all home I'm on the go with dinners/baths and bedtimes so I dont really get time to do anything for myself.
My mind is just always on overdrive. Like while I write this he is 'relaxing' upstairs cos he works nights and I'm downstairs, all I can think is that he is looking up sexy women and self pleasuring cos he cant stand to look at me 😔 its just constant

I agree with those posters who say you should end the relationship and work on yourself - not because you are a horrible person, but because you have had a traumatic time and you need to recover fully before you can be ready for a healthy relationship. This situation is absolutely not fair on him, but it is also not fair on you - your trauma is putting you on edge, making you anxious and miserable and ruining your life.

So let him go. Be honest: tell him you have a lot of healing to do before you can consider a relationship. Then take time to put in the work, learn to value yourself and find some happiness within. Then you'll be ready. Good luck.

If you were posting that he was doing this to you people would be saying phone womens aid, LTB, he's a dangerous abusive man.

Stop the pity party, let this poor bloke live his life and get some help.

Controlling aresholes can be men or women, and your sob story is no excuse.

The thing is, its not his fault you feel this way which I think you recognise?
Yet he's the one dealing with the constant accusations, searching etc.
If you were a man coming on here with this story, you'd be called controlling, unfair and abusive.

Is this really the perfect relationship to you? If not, I'd suggest slowing things down or ending them all together until you're in a better place. I fear if you don't, the relationship will crumble or you'll wear the life out of him. It's not fair.

OP I'm a great believer in, if a relationship isn't making you happy, walk away, whatever the reason.

Would you think about spending some time on your own to work all this out with the help of a BACP or UKCP registered therapist? These traits may be passed on to your children if you don't.

How old are the DC? Could you find something to do when they are at school?

If you are constantly suspicious of him what on earth could he do to prove otherwise? He's set up to fail no matter what.

For him the situation will be exhausting and distressing and having an affect on his mental health. If you feel that he is that out of your league I'm not sure you will ever feel comfortable and you will damage another person trying to cling onto him.

You need to learn self soothing techniques and you need to develop resilience.

What is resilience? It is about, whatever life throws at you, you are going to be able to handle it and you are going to be FINE.

This is not about him, this is about you. He might cheat, you never know, he might not, but WHATEVER HAPPENS you need to know that you can take the ups with the downs and keep on going now matter what other people do or don't do.

You do know that it's YOU, not him, that is torturing you? Its you. So leave him out of it.

When the obsessive thoughts start:

When the thoughts start, don't go there. You need to find 'your' voice. So when you 'imagine' what he is up to? Just say to your brain: I love you. Its all good. Everything is fine.

Over and over again.

The second thing you can do, is an Attitude of Gratitude.

When the thoughts start, list 10 things that you are grateful for. List 10 things. They can be as huge as your children or as small as the smile you got in the Co op from the checkout lady.

List out the 10 things in your head. You often find that as you start thinking about the GOOD things in your life, you find more and more. Stay in the grateful space.

This is a 12 steps technique to cure 'stinking thinking'. Do you know what FEAR is? Feelings Experienced As Reality.

Can you access some therapy or counselling? You're going to drive him away and really, he should leave you. If he was posting then I'd advise him to leave

Do you go out together? Or do you stay in all the time due to the kids? Do you all do things together, like is he part of the family? Apart from your past trauma it sounds like you’re living an unfulfilled life, like apart from the kids he’s the bright spot in your life. I agree with the posters who said you need to work on yourself. It’s really unhealthy, which you know, and will end up pushing him away. Being on the receiving end of constant accusations is so draining. If he was the one asking advice, everyone would rightly say to leave. From your perspective though, what do you want to happen? Do you want to stop it, do you want something specific from him? Do you think he would support you as you work on yourself and help facilitate it in terms of getting you time on your own to do something for yourself just because you want to or like it?

You will lose him if you carry on, and you could be seriously emotionally damaging him.

I've known a couple of people in similar situations and eventually the other partner cheats, I don't even think they really wanted to cheat, it's just the opportunity arose and they weren't brave enough to end the relationship...so what they did was cheated, because that meant the relationship would have to be over because there was no going back to it after giving the paranoid partner a reason to finally mistrust them. It wasn't about the sex, it was a way out!

Wow. Thank you to all of you who can tell me like it is without being nasty about it.
As for it being a 'sob story' I'm not using being beaten and sexually assaulted as a sob story so sorry if my past offended you

I will work hard on myself and get some help

Right, I can see where you're coming from. I've been cheated on, second best to someone else and far, far worse (abuse wise) in many past relationships. And I felt the same way as you in new ones. I didn't outright accuse though. I keep myself single now because I hate being like that. And it turns out I'm much happier this way.
I hope you actually have a chance to turn this behaviour around though, because you will push him away and it's not fair to him to be treated like this. If he's as good as you say then you have to find a way to stop self sabotaging.

It’s good that you recognise that this is wrong. You need some counselling and to work on your self esteem

Why are people kicking her when shes down? She is clearly taking responsibility and asking for help and advice?

Therapy would be a good way to go, OP. Something like DBT.

Hahaha how old are you?
'Common for men to have visual stimulation'
🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm sorry @rebecca102 are all the online sites that state this being immature. I believed that it meant that I wasnt enough thats why he needed to look at that stuff.
People like you are what make women feel like shit

OP I honestly don't think he's right for you if you trust him so little.

You're abusing him because of your past and I kind of get it.
I get why you feel like you don't deserve him. I get why you don't feel good enough. I get why you think he'll cheat.
But it's 18 months in. You should both be happy and enjoying life.

Do you think you're quite isolated? Do you have friends? How do you spend your days?

You need to take some time to work on you. Find a job for a couple of hours a day in school time. You'll be surprised how taking back that little bit of control will make a difference to your self esteem.

The thing is, if he's going to cheat, he'll cheat.
You may as well just chill out and enjoy the ride.
Hopefully he won't, but if you can't get past the idea that he'd prefer other women, you should end it now for everyone's sake.