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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constantly accusing and paranoid

91 replies

Paranoidaccuser · 28/01/2020 14:53

Name changed due to outing fears*
I am currently in a relationship of 18 months and we are on the brink of breaking up due to my constant accusations and questions.
It has been going on for a while and we have been arguing every single day for the past 3 months. Things were absolutely ripped apart two weeks ago as I was on his arse asking if he messages other people, I got on him for his Instagram and following beautiful celebrities on Twitter.
He took those off Twitter telling me that he has to do that to try and stop the accusations as its draining him and he is absolutely exhausted by it all, constantly having to defend himself all the time.
I have looked through his phone which I an shamed to say, I haven't found any messages to any other woman, just once I found a porn site when it was at its extreme worse point in the relationship and a few searches of good looking celebrities etc which I can sort of deal with as I know it is extremely common for men to have visual stimulation, I am relieved that there is nothing relating to anything in real life terms but it doesnt stem my worries and accusations. The weekend was nice as I never accused, I never questioned him, we had time together the whole weekend. Come the week days where he works in the night and I'm doing school runs during the day, my head goes mad that he is using that time to messages other girls or to masturbate over these sexy women. It used to hurt a lot that he did that but someone talked me down and told me that is natural and very common and I shouldn't be worried about how he feels about me cos he does this. He showed me loved and attention but I constantly need more and more reassurance and if I dont get it my paranoid mind goes out of control 😢 I'm going to lose him and push him away cos once I get it in my head a go go go at him all day long

OP posts:
Paranoidaccuser · 29/01/2020 03:33

@gypsywater thank you. I get that people are going to have certain opinions. Laughing at me and other comments have upset me a bit but it's only what I deserve and I knew posting on here would bring these different ranges of help. I thank everyone for taking time out of their day to offer advice to myself xx

OP posts:
booboo24 · 29/01/2020 06:53

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds exhausting for both of you. You've taken ownership of this which is a good first step, because if you don't do something sharpish then you will get what you fear the most, you'll lose him. I bet the minute he walks you'll then realise what a good one he was, and it will become crystal clear that he wasn't a cheater and you will kick yourself (I've done exactly this). This self-fulfilling prophecy will then be the reason to go all out to 'prove' that the next man also can't be trusted because you were 'right' this time around. You won't be happy with anyone if you don't get strong with yourself and get some professional help to overcome this. I'm not saying leave him but please get some help, today! Tell him what you're going to do and why so that he can see you mean business this time.

Also please stop checking his phone etc. The problem with what you're doing, besides driving yourself crazy, is that he might start deleting things because it's easier than being cross examined about any interactions he has, and I wouldn't blame him, but what if you saw before he deleted, therefore finding out he was erasing things? You'd accuse him again, and once again you'd therefore be proving yourself right, even though the poor bloke wasn't doing anything wrong. He can't win at the moment as you are constantly setting him up to fail.

I'm not trying to upset you so I hope it hasn't come across that way, I'm just trying to help you to see the damage you're doing to you both and your relationship. Good luck, I hope that you can turn this around before it's too late x

Paranoidaccuser · 29/01/2020 09:19

@booboo24 it is exhausting, it's like I'm fighting a losing battle with myself. I see that everything I am doing is wrong, there is just this part of my brain that cant shut up with the paranoia and negative thoughts.
I dont want to lose him in any way but I need to get some sort of help. More than anything I would of liked to hear from anyone else that has gone through this type of thing and how they got themselves over it without losing their partner x

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 29/01/2020 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamato3lads · 29/01/2020 12:54

I've been and I am slowly recovering from the same situation. Found some porn etc and my head span totally out of control for 11 months. I crucified my husband. How he didnt leave me I'll never know. But he destroyed my trust and I couldn't get over him masturbating to other women, celebs etc. Slowly slowly I am coming to terms with it. I've stopped accusing. Stopped checking. Not stopped worrying but he doesnt know that. I will drive him away with my insecurities and I know that so I have to believe him when he says it's me he wants and loves and carry on with life. Counselling or a lot of reading and soul searching will help. Its your anxiety doing this. Try and take control. He chose YOU.

Paranoidaccuser · 29/01/2020 12:56

@SonEtLumiere why would we call time on the relationship if I can get things under control. A couple of people on here have said they felt the same way in the past and managed to change.
I wasnt like this with my exH as he was abusive and a very angry/violent man and I always just did what I was told, too scared to say anything. It's only out of chance when he asked me to look up an email on his phone while he was at his mums cos he left his home mobile and took his work one by accident. There were emails from some woman on a payment site that asks for money for chats and photos and he was sending photos of himself and my children thinking this woman was generally interested in him. Told her he was divorced from his wife cos she left him with the children to run off with another lover!
I was cheated on by my boyfriend previous to him but again I stayed with him and accepted it cos I didnt want to be alone and inbetween bed hopping he would treat me nicely so being young and naive I stayed.

OP posts:
Paranoidaccuser · 29/01/2020 12:57

After I found my ex's emails he admitted to cheating on me while he worked away- was a night time driver and would be away from Monday to Friday and cheated with random women and said he paid for sex once

OP posts:
Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 13:03

You split, because until you sort yourself out you are continuing to abuse him.

Sometimes, even if the abuser gets help and stops, it's gone to far and theres no coming back from it. That's far more likely to happen if the abuse continues while you get help.

You wont stop this over night. If it was that easy, wouldnt you have done it already?

Frenchw1fe · 29/01/2020 13:15

You think he's going to hurt you eventually so you're pushing to make it happen. You're testing him like a child tests a parent.
It's almost like you want him to cheat to confirm your paranoia.
You know eventually he will not be able to stand the pressure and then you'll be devastated.
You need to work on your self esteem.
What attracted your dp to you?
What qualities do you have? No false modesty.
Stop focusing on what your dp is doing and focus on what you're doing.
Set your self goals e.g.. Not looking at your dp's phone for a day.
Not voicing your mistrust for a day.
Your dp should not have to reassure you all the time.

Paranoidaccuser · 29/01/2020 13:27

@mamato3lads thank you for your reply. I'm pleased to hear that you have started to feel slightly better. It does knock your confidence a hell of a lot and I wish I was one of those understanding, confident women who doesnt feel threatened by it at all. I've just signed myself up to a gym and I'm going to start first thing tomorrow after the school run as my first step to looking after myself and doing something to stop these thoughts from taking over my head. It's when I'm sitting alone that I start wondering and I'm alone from about 9 till 11 so I'm going to gym it and get a coffee in town 3 mornings a week

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 29/01/2020 13:30

I think most of the responses on here have been fair and measured, I did see a couple that might have seemed a bit harsh, but they were also true, if a man did that we would say he was dangerous and to leave him.

Most people who behave like that (even men) do have reasons for why they behave like that, even if for some people their entire history had to be looked at to pinpoint some relatively minor situation that seemed to be the catalyst for the controlling behaviour later on.
Most people do have an explanation for the behaviour.

@Paranoidaccuser, behaviour like that takes a lot of time and effort to get under control, that's why people would suggest you call time on the relationship. The behaviour is abusive and generally I believe it's recommended that while in therapy for abusive behaviour the relationship ends or the couple takes a break.

You need to make a commitment to stop this behaviour here and now, of course the thoughts won't stop straight away, but at the very least you need to stop the accusing and questioning him over it right now. For anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship and ended up with emotional damage as a result of it, none of us really know the day that was too much, the point that was too much, for emotional or verbal abuse people generally don't end up being harmed on day 1, it's when the pattern continues for a period of time.

If you can't commit to at least stopping accusing him or attacking him over this right now today, then you absolutely do need to call time on this.

Paranoidaccuser · 29/01/2020 14:23

I know I have to stop, i cant explain it anymore than I have. I know its unhealthy and its becoming toxic and I know it has to stop, I fight with myself every single day. It's like the words come out and then literally a split second later its "girl shut up! What the hell are you doing" every accusation he has a valid reason or answer and I feel huge amount of guilt for the rest of that day but then I wake up and it's the negative thoughts all over again.
I will do this, not just for him but more importantly myself and my children. It's not healthy for anyone in this environment.
I've signed up for the gym and I've self referred myself for CBT online just now so hopefully I will hear from them in the next few days x

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 29/01/2020 14:36

If this were the other way round there would be cries of "LTB" up and down the country.

Surplus2requirements · 29/01/2020 14:57

I have been in a long relationship like this. I knew why it happened, she had been in a previous controlling and abusive relationship and I thought we could work through it.

It wasn't constant, every few weeks or so accusations would pop out of nowhere with huge rage and it was usually 3 days or so of abuse/silence before we could talk it through.

Inbetween everything was perfect but over years it broke us, it felt like every time it chipped away at our love and it became harder and harder to heal it.

I finally left about a year ago and have no interest in meeting anyone else, probably ever.

Talk to your partner, tell him you're committing to counselling, decide together whether you both want to try and heal the damage that has been done or whether it's too late.

Whether the relationship lasts or not stay committed to counselling because, at this level, it will never go away on its own.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 29/01/2020 15:22

Hi OP, I do feel for you. I haven't had exactly this issue but can relate in a kind of addiction way, that makes destructive behaviour a pattern that is very difficult to change, even though you are aware you're the only person who can.

What strikes me most is the time available to you to focus on this. You say that you have school runs, time alone and then bath/bed routines. Is there a reason you don't work? Having something productive, even voluntary work, would distract your mind and keep it occupied. The way your mind diverts constantly to these negative thoughts is a habit, which can only be broken by changing something. Good luck.

movingdilemma1234 · 29/01/2020 15:23

If you were a man writing exactly the same scenario I'd imagine not one response here would be understanding or empathic
You sound exactly like a frIend I had for many years. She almost drove her husband to a nervous breakdown with her neurotic, controlling and abusive behaviour. He didn't cheat, I'm pretty sure he never would as he loved my friend totally. Towards the end of their marriage he wasn't allowed his own fb account so that she could monitor what friends were accepted, she would go mad if he liked a pretty model type on Instagram, if he chose to go to the gym it mean the was probably eying up some attractive woman there.
She recognised, like you, that she had a 'problem' however recognising it and changing it are different matters. She talked the talk after havimg a few weeks of therapy where I think her therapist actually colluded with her abusing behaviour to some extent.
Anyway, she continued to be abusive and I cut contact, I couldn't stand back and watch what she was doing
I heard recently that she's been diagnosed with EUPD

Tatty101 · 30/01/2020 09:51

You're hurting him. That's what this comes down to.

It seems you've had a rough history and I'm sorry for that but sadly, many, many women (and men) have been through similar circumstances and manage not to abuse their new partner.

You seem to genuinely want to stop hurting him. That's a really positive first step, I hope the gym and coffee help.

Only you can control your actions. Noone else can stop you from hurting him. It's up to you.

Good luck

opticaldelusion · 30/01/2020 12:13

Is this part of a pattern of long-established self-destructive behaviour? You sound a little like my friend who has BPD/EUPD.

Paranoidaccuser · 30/01/2020 16:35

I wasnt like this with my first partner and my ex husband. It's only really started up and come about with my current DP. If I mess up or even if I say something that isnt even remotely an accusation like "if you want some time alone that's fine" just acknowledging that I understand that he may need space and alone time to do things he wants to do or watch some TV etc but he straight away goes on the defense and hits back "oh there we go again, accusing me of wanting to have some "alone time" so I do something or message someone" I understand that he isny going to trust that I'm not accusing etc and that's my own fault.
He stone walls, has done even before all this got bad. He isnt one to communicate or talk through issues, he just says go away and will be silent treatment for a few days then I panic and think that hes using that time to realise that he doesnt want to be with me. From then on all the negative thoughts and over thinking about him cheating and finding other woman sexier than me started and it's just got worse and worse and worse. We have one good day and then a week of bad days cos things dont get spoken about or he doesnt want to address anything

OP posts:
McD45 · 30/01/2020 16:43

My lovely you need to look at why you are feeling this way, what you are feeling are your own issues not his. So when you are in fear assuming its your own fears kicking in when really you find nothing out, the more you search the more you will try and find even if its the smallest thing and let me tell you its absolutely normal for men to visualise, masturbate and fantasise, but here is the thing he wont want to be anywhere near yourself if you are behaving this way, if anything you are or will push him away, If for whatever reason he says to you, ok its time for me to leave you, I would say ok....I would walk away and think ok I need to work on myself, take myself to see someone and ask what is going on in my head is what I am doing justifying this? Am I happy in myself, do I feel worthy, what makes me feel good. Do things that make you feel good, but dont for the love of god depend on him for your happiness as this makes a man run. You have to find love in you, hobbies, friends, work, family, reading, the gym, the list is endless then you are complete, whole and worthy then he sees you as a goddess and someone who has their life together. What are you lacking my lovely and what can you do, to make yourself a better more fulfilled person so you arent using him or needing him to fulfil something else??? He isnt your complete whole life, when you first met him, he wanted you for you, so dont feel you are unworthy or he is out of your league.....but by the way you are acting now, this has to change hence why he said to you, he wants to see that old you again, you must have been different when you first met????? my thoughts...

Paranoidaccuser · 30/01/2020 19:19

I used to be able to laugh and joke when we first met. He would come stay for the weekend (we live together now) and we would stay up in the evenings just watching TV and having so much fun just being knobheads 😁 I felt confident and dressed nicely in the summer, winter I just feel frumpy and I dont really buy new clothes as my kids and bills come first. Hes so exhausted with this job he took when he moved here. We hardly get a proper full day together till the weekend and the kids see their dad every other weekend and stay with him. 😢😢😢 I'm such an idiot, I'm wrecking everything xx

OP posts:
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 31/01/2020 03:24

Hi ParanoidAccuser. I am an 'accused person' who was in the same situation as your partner assuming he's never cheated which sounds like the case.

Aside from me, no one told my DH what I'm about to tell you and I think if he heard it from anyone but me, he might not be my ex now. So I would like to tell you how it truly feels to be on the other end of the accusations. This will be a long post because I really want to give you some insight as to what it's like being the accused.

Firstly, I want to start by saying that as a person who would never ever cheat, at first I was a little bit flattered. No one has ever been jealous over me so I found the initial conversations a bit exciting in that someone could be jealous over me. Surely that meant I was truly loved. As a result of my ex's concerns, he tried so much harder to be my everything and I fell madly 'in love' with him after 15 years of just loving him. This is when things were good.

A few months later, things went bad. The constant accusations made it difficult for me to be me. Because mundane things I did on a daily basis were now being questioned, I started changing the way I did things and questioning everything I did.
I could list the types of things I'm talking about but that would be pointless. The point is that when you are in this situation, you can't just do things like you normally do. This is a very painful thing to go through.

After a while, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Everything I did was misinterpreted and then I started getting comments like "You aren't the person I fell in love with". "It must be because of the affair". "Why are you wearing so much makeup to go the shop?". "Why aren't you making yourself up as much as you normally do?". Everything I did was under scrutiny and I forgot how to be normal. He started saying really disgusting things about me. He didn't say this to other people - he told me exactly what he thought. Sometimes he would sit me down, tell me not to say a word and then he would try to counsel me over my cheating.

I became obsessed with how to fix my DH. I would research for hours because I knew, he would feel really silly when he realised how wrong he was. I would post on Mumsnet. I would be careful not to say the wrong thing around him but it was hard to know what was the right thing. If I said I like a new song, he said it was because my lover must have sent it to me. If I said "Why do guys like ....... (insert any word that guys like)?" it was interpreted as "Why do you and my other man like ......". If he left the house, he would sometimes hide his phone to make audio recordings of what I did when he left the house. The dog snoring = me cheating. His own voice talking to me (muffled on audio but obvious) = me cheating. He put surveillance cameras up. He moved them around. I didn't dare glance around to see where they were as that would be a sign I was cheating. If they caught a shadow late at night (as cameras sometimes do), it wasn't the neighbour's headlights - it was me cheating.

I was in shock. I was depressed. I was hurt. I felt victimised. I felt hopeless. I stopped going out - partially because I decided it was easier and partially because he asked me not to go out without others. He didn't force me to do this but he did make my life difficult if I left for short periods even if just to visit my mum and dad. I changed the way I dressed. I stopped making eye contact because it just hurt too much to see the accusations in his eyes. The more I denied the accusations, the stronger his beliefs became.

We went to a lot of counselling. This helped a little but at the end of the day, no one wanted to be the one to directly tell my DH (who was later diagnosed with Delusional Disorder of the Jealous type) that he was talking crazy. They hinted to him. They talked about domestic violence but because of his mental state, he interpreted it as them telling him he was being abused.

He fixated on a man I had never met in our neighbourhood. He talked to the man's wife and no doubt upset their relationship. The police came to our house and told him he would be charged if he went to their house again as the lady had no doubt her husband wasn't having an affair.

In the end, we were both so miserable. We still loved each other but we also hated each other. He went to a psychiatrist and even then after getting an actual diagnosis, he still believes I am the bad guy in this.

I left 6 months ago. We are still both devastated. I'm devastated because he refuses to talk about it which means it can never be resolved and I will never get his forgiveness even though I didn't do anything wrong. He's devastated because he thinks his partner of 19 years cheated on him and is still to this day, lying to him about it.

There is no easy answer here but if I were you, and you have no concrete proof or evidence of him cheating, I would get help asap. Don't rely on your own ideas about what is cheating and what isn't cheating because sometimes our brains interpret things wrong and we need help to see clearly. Our help came too late and we are both now shells of who we once were. I imagine it will get better for me over time but for him, it may eat at him forever. Probably more so if he ever comes the realisation that he destroyed our marriage (unintentially of course) over something that wasn't real. I put up with it for 2 years and I really wish I hadn't because it upsets me every day. I still wake up crying most mornings. I'm crying while I write this post.

Best of luck to you. I do truly wish someone had told him where his accusations were headed in terms of our relationship.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2020 03:43

You need to get counseling.

Ask to be assessed for EUPD, formerly BPD. It can often be characterised by the sabotaging of relationships with abusive behaviour with concomitant feelings of despair that the relationship is going down the toilet - an 'I hate you, don't leave me' dynamic.

Do it before you destroy this man. You will never be at peace and you will keep on accusing him and alienating him if you don't get help to stop it asap. For his part, he will be driven insane by your irrational accusations, which he cannot ever defend himself against. His response to go silent is completely understandable and sane. His need for distance between you is also understandable, while he tries to get past your unreasonableness and work his way back into a semblance of normality. He does not owe you any sort of reply to your unjust accusations - do not call his non-responsiveness stonewalling.

Do not go to the gym or work on your body or appearance as a means of addressing this problem. Appearance and attractiveness or lack thereof isn't what the problem is. The problem is your thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. Improving your appearance is just validating or pandering to your problem, not addressing it.

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 31/01/2020 04:08

he straight away goes on the defense and hits back "oh there we go again, accusing me of wanting to have some "alone time" so I do something or message someone"

I just read this from you. This was us. Because of his accusations, I got paranoid about everything he said and read things into his statements. I was really defensive every time he said anything that could be lightly interpreted because I just couldn't deal with new ammunition against me. My defensiveness made it worse! He figured that for me to get so defensive, I must have been doing something wrong. This was so untrue. I was just broken and really sensitive over the whole thing.

Ritascornershop · 31/01/2020 04:19

I’ve been abused, long-term, it didn’t turn me into an abuser. This will be hugely impactful to his mental health, let him go.

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