Constantly accusing and paranoid

[Paranoidaccuser]

Name changed due to outing fears*
I am currently in a relationship of 18 months and we are on the brink of breaking up due to my constant accusations and questions.
It has been going on for a while and we have been arguing every single day for the past 3 months. Things were absolutely ripped apart two weeks ago as I was on his arse asking if he messages other people, I got on him for his Instagram and following beautiful celebrities on Twitter.
He took those off Twitter telling me that he has to do that to try and stop the accusations as its draining him and he is absolutely exhausted by it all, constantly having to defend himself all the time.
I have looked through his phone which I an shamed to say, I haven't found any messages to any other woman, just once I found a porn site when it was at its extreme worse point in the relationship and a few searches of good looking celebrities etc which I can sort of deal with as I know it is extremely common for men to have visual stimulation, I am relieved that there is nothing relating to anything in real life terms but it doesnt stem my worries and accusations. The weekend was nice as I never accused, I never questioned him, we had time together the whole weekend. Come the week days where he works in the night and I'm doing school runs during the day, my head goes mad that he is using that time to messages other girls or to masturbate over these sexy women. It used to hurt a lot that he did that but someone talked me down and told me that is natural and very common and I shouldn't be worried about how he feels about me cos he does this. He showed me loved and attention but I constantly need more and more reassurance and if I dont get it my paranoid mind goes out of control 😢 I'm going to lose him and push him away cos once I get it in my head a go go go at him all day long

@Ritascornershop well I'm happy for you that you arent like me

@OMGMyLifeIsCrazy thank you so much for taking the time to write about your own story surrounding this. I am so sorry you had to go through that and it made me cry reading it cos if that was one of my friends telling me that I would be livid, even while I'm doing what I'm doing I would still be angry. Hypocrite huh!
Would you be willing to message me and talk to me further, maybe about how things started or what you said would be pointless to say. Your post has opened my eyes into how the other person feels

@Paranoidaccuser have you been screened for OCD?

@rvby no I haven't. I dont think I have that. The other thing that someone mentioned sounds a bit like me but it's scary to admit it. There was no accusations or questions since Friday, I've been trying to just get on with the day hour by hour. We spent some time yesterday out with my children and some of my family bowling and it was really nice. Spent the evening cuddling up on the sofa and a long cuddle when we went up to bed. I have a therapy appointment on tomorrow too.

ofertyunking and iver analysing is a sign of OCD - obsessional thinking. I was diagnosed with that a few years sgo

Dear me! I've just noticed what I typed! I must check before hitting send, I sent that in a rush!!! Sorry, i hope it can be made sense of!

Hi op.
Sounds to me like you have an ambivalent attachment style. How predictable were your parent’s responses to you growing up?
People with this type of attachment style tend to be very self-critical. They want approval and they desire reassurance but, even when they receive it, they still tend to have very low self-esteem. They feel that they will always be rejected and this leads them to be clingy and dependent on a partner. This leads to emotional desperation, tempered only by a persistent distrust of other people. They pursue others and have positive views of others but feel very negative about themselves and anticipate rejection.

Unfortunately, they can be too dependent, demanding and possessive, which causes them to push their partner away. Because of their needs, they can be resentful and even angry toward their partners, who may describe them as dramatic and anxious. Someone with this type of behavior may also have emotional problems that include depression or may be angry and then plead for forgiveness from their partner.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone by any means. I’d really advise you seek some counselling that takes into account your childhood experiences. This ‘script’ is pretty hardwired and not something you can just switch off. You need to work through it with an attachment aware therapist. We can change our scripts with time and support xxx

@Ginsodden my childhood and my parents were normal and happy. It's nothing to do with my childhood.
We haven't argued about it for the past few days and it's been ok, hes been very loving and attentive but I have to say that I have looked through his phone again. I get what people say about it turning onto an addiction 😔😔😪 Last night I looked in his recycle bin on his photo gallery and there was only one picture in it and it was of his ex and their daughter. He didnt have any photos of the ex left on his phone when we met as we were mucking about early on in the relationship and looked at eachothers phone galleries all the way through laughing at old photos so it's not one that he found and deleted. His daughter is younger than she is in the photo and his ex has her old hairstyle so it about 1-2 years old. Either shes sent it to him or he has looked it up,saved it and was pining. Thing is, he says he cant stand her, even said he hated her in a conversation we had before.
I got upset and when he text me on his work break I asked him if he missed his life that he had and if he missed her. Hes reply was "WTF, I dont miss her, its hard sometimes with how the kids are misbehaving but I love my life with you" then I asked something else and he said "I love my life with you and I never miss her"
He doesnt know I saw the photo.
Yes I'm ready for the back lash so let me have it cos I deserve it.
I'm not going to cause a big argument with him cos I cant do the whole big fallout and failure thing again

Hi, @Paranoidaccuser , how was therapy yesterday?

The problem with the phone checking etc is the human mind looks for things to confirm its opinions- confirmation bias. So, he can't download a pic of his kid without it confirming your worries, when most likely that is nothing to worry about. xx

I think you could try seeing your GP, some medications can help with obsessive thoughts etc.

@Interestedwoman of course if it was his daughter on her own then I wouldn't of thought twice. But this is a photo of her too, clear and perfect photo that wasnt in his gallery, he never goes through his gallery and deletes old photos, only if they come through on WhatsApp or whatever and deletes them there and then. For someone who says he hates her and he cant even talk about the details of their break up cos she hurt him so much, I find it a bit out of the blue that he suddenly has a photo of her on his phone. He wont put it in the hidden folder as there are photos of me in there that are a bit risky and we go through them sometimes so he knows that I could ask at any moment to look at them. The past few days have been ok and hes been loving and is asking me alot if I'm ok.
Therapy was ok, most of it was me saying about my past and what is happening right now etc. She said that it will take work and I have to decide if once I agree to stop this behaviour it has to fully stop as any little niggles would blow up big time. I need to think about if its best to take a break or to fully break up or to stay together and try my hardest to make this work xx

After your last two posts, I strongly suggest you end the relationship.

You are not able for an intimate relationship right now, and you are just going to really hurt this man if you continue with the thought process and the behaviour you are engaging in.

OP, I can see why finding the photo has upset you but there is more than likely, a good explanation for him having it. He may have seen it on social media and loved the photo of his daughter but then after downloading it, realised it might upset you so deleted it.
Someone may have sent it to him (it doesn't matter who) and again, he didn't want to upset you.
It really could have come into his possession a lot of different ways and this is something that while curious, it likely means nothing in terms of his honesty.
The thing I found with my ex was that he over analysed everything and put 2 and 2 together to reach 10. If you confront him about it, he will want to protect his own integrity and your anxiety, and no matter what answer he gives you, it will leave you worried.
I don't know what else to tell you except that a lot of the things you are worried about are guesses. Guessing why he does this, why he does that, why he has that etc.
What you really need to do is put some perspective into the 'signs'. Ask yourself "Is this a fact or an opinion?' Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between facts and opinions but generally a fact is:
Something beyond doubt. Eg You saw someone actually do something vs thinking that the reason they went to the gym (as an example) was to meet up with someone. If you didn't actually see what he did at the gym, you only have an opinion rather than facts. Does this make sense?

PS I saw your message about messaging you and happy to, but I've been crazy busy with my work and emotions lately. Also, while I would love to help someone else in the same situation I was in, I certainly would not like to be responsible for helping someone else in an area that I'm not qualified to assist with. Posting on mumsnet is good because if someone says something that is wrong, others can provide feedback on it too and you're less likely to be steered the wrong way. :)

I really wish I could think of those reasons for having the photo would be that but hes blocked her from all social media etc, he doesnt really talk to her, when they do she ends up cussing about me and talking bad about me and calling my kids brats etc. He never tells her to not talk about us like that. He says she isnt worth arguing with and doesnt want to feed into her and her fighting.
No one would of sent it to him as they all know how hurt he was when they split and something bad went down.
He again said last night that he doesnt know why I got it in my mind that he misses her.
I got another appointment later today to talk to my therapist.
In one half of my mind I want to be with him and be happy and sort myself out to have a great life with him but the other half just keeps saying that something isnt right and I could never trust him. 😪 I know everything isnt right and I know you have thrown the abuse word out there but I honestly dont do it to hurt him, I just literally have no self worth

You need to get counselling, otherwise
You will spend your life alone. X