Taking care of yourself physically for your OH

[NoFun21]

Would you find it difficult if your husband never exercised , wore creased/ stained clothes at weekends, had a fatty lump in his back which he let grow large and visible through clothes , didn’t go to hygienist regularly, didn’t shower at the end of the day and never freshened up before sex. Is it shallow to want to be able to genuinely fancy your partner and is it unreasonable to expect them to make a bit of an effort to be attractive. Do you think this kind of thing can be an act of passive aggression?

Yes, definitely. Sounds horrible, and if it.’s due to depression or other illness then needs to be sorted out.

If they are just lazy, then I’d be off.

How did he grow a fatty lump on his back? That doesn't sound right at all.

Daily shower, clean teeth, clean clothes = basic expectation.
Exercise, keeping fit, being healthy weight = I think you'd be handed your arse for suggesting lack of any of the above was a dealbreaker if the sexes were reversed, but yes could affect attractiveness.
Growth not dealt with = medical issue, is he scared of what it might be or the surgery?
Is he depressed? It sounds like more is going on than a convoluted way to get at you.

Benign tumour or Fatty lymphoma Bluntness100. For

Would still expect me to want sec even though he would wear a t shirt during sex.

Sex

But surely that's not something he controls. Has he seen a doctor about it? I am not sure I'd be criticising someone for having a tumour.

He was always depressed apparently but I think it was just laziness and a lack of respect for me. I often felt taunted into then saying something vaguely insensitive so he could then tell me what a bitch I was.

Then why are you having sex with him?

Compare this to threads where a DH tells his MNetter DW that she's let herself go and he doesn't fancy her as much any more. Cue outrage at his shallowness, assumption that he's no Adonis, the pointing out that appearances change over time and true life be and good partners are blind to all this because inner qualities outweigh all.

No but not doing anything about it for years? Also it’s this snd everything else in terms of making no effort to be appealing but expecting me to take care of myself etc and not be at all put off by this stuff - including letting hair grow long and beard unkempt etc etc, dirty shoes etc.

Being overweight is one thing, I and admit it, but that isn't the same as not taking care of yourself. You can be overweight and still be clean and tidy, and hygienic to be around!

I don’t think many women would wear stained abd crumpled clothes , not shower before sex etc. That’s the thing we are trained to lo after ourselves as we are led to believe we are otherwise unclean but I think men expect sex even when they make themselves unpleasant.

Rose I stopped having sex with him and he was outraged.

Have you sat down and talked through your issues??

There is a huge difference in expecting, for example, your partner to shave off all their genital hair. Dye their hair every 6 weeks, Never eat above x calories in order to maintain a thin body. Regularly go without food they enjoy just to stay thin. Wear uncomfortable or restrictive clothes when ever they are with you.
To: showering daily, wearing clean clothes and brushing your hair.

The latter are basic hygeine. The former verging on obsessive.

So you say mean things to him and then wonder why he is self conscious enough during sex to wear a t shirt

I disagree that having a tumour is any evidence of not taking care of yourself. Fatty tumours such as lipomas are down to genetic issues. Often doctors will not take any action until they get to a certain size.

To a certain extent, I think it’s important to look after your health, appearance (as in clean body/hair/clothes) and be clean. For ourselves first and for our partners second.

We all age, we can’t prevent wrinkles, grey hair, baldness etc and should expect it and embrace it in a partner. But we are in control of our weight, dressing decently etc.

No MapMum I didn’t say mean things.

Honestly how many women go all day at work , don’t shower and would expect oral sex etc?

He was always depressed apparently but I think it was just laziness and a lack of respect for me. I often felt taunted into then saying something vaguely insensitive so he could then tell me what a bitch I was.

You don't sound very nice to him - neglecting personal hygiene is often an important symptom of clinical depression. So have you made sure that he got seen by his GP?

You said insensitive things, and the way you're talking about him here I'd be really surprised if he hasn't picked up on your disgust at him.

I certainly don't shower before sex. I am ash every day but don't shower every day. I am perfectly clean. I weigh 2 stone more than when I got married. I have a healthy happy sex life.
Maybe your husband is depressed OP.

Wow I could not go a day without showering without feeling unclean and would certainly not want to be intimate.