Taking care of yourself physically for your OH

[NoFun21]

Would you find it difficult if your husband never exercised , wore creased/ stained clothes at weekends, had a fatty lump in his back which he let grow large and visible through clothes , didn’t go to hygienist regularly, didn’t shower at the end of the day and never freshened up before sex. Is it shallow to want to be able to genuinely fancy your partner and is it unreasonable to expect them to make a bit of an effort to be attractive. Do you think this kind of thing can be an act of passive aggression?

I don’t shower before sex, neither does DH. We tend to have sex last thing at night or first thing in the morning and then shower when we get up.

I actually quite like DH when he’s a little bit dirty. He’s a scruffy bugger too. Sexy as hell though.

A person is entitled to end a relationship for any reason, or no reason at all. You don't have to justify your reason for leaving to him or to anyone.

You're separated. You don't have to take him back. Move on.

As long as you are both clean, I don’t think you need to shower directly before sex. At some point that day is fine. Whatever happened to spontaneity?

A nice gentle natural scent is much nicer than shower gel anyway

No one should 'expect' oral sex. Cheesy cock or not.

Glad to hear you’re separated.

Move on. I think him trying to blame you has had some effect, but none of this is your fault.

I don’t think many women would wear stained abd crumpled clothes , not shower before sex etc. That’s the thing we are trained to lo after ourselves as we are led to believe we are otherwise unclean but I think men expect sex even when they make themselves unpleasant.

Between reading every day that all men watch porn and reading the above I've finally realised what should have been obvious all along: I must be a woman trapped in a man's body.

Anyone got contact details for Mermaids?

sounds like laziness. dp is like this. happy shower if in public but forget anything else. That's not depression though there may be some elements of it its not an excuse.

I wouldn’t see it as passive aggression, being overweight is more likely to be bad eating habits & depression.
Having said that, I once dated someone who was very overweight. That didn’t bother me at all, he was a kind lovely man, but I couldn’t cope with the ED that the weight/high blood pressure caused.

You're separated now. Why give him free rent in your head? Let his scalp picking warm the heart of someone else.

Tbh, I think I’d find it difficult dealing with someone apparently too depressed to wash themselves, but not too depressed to have sex. If you can rouse yourself for sex, you can rouse yourself for a shower, too.

Yuk
I'd be glad to have gotten rid.

Any adult should be brushing their teeth, washing their hair, body etc. washing their clothes. It's lazy and disrespectful.

If they're depressed then they need to see the GP. OP isn't their mum or therapist.

Yes, I would divorce over those things as it says they don't care and are disrespectful.

Once your partner stops making an effort to look good or even be clean before getting intimate with you, it's a clear sign they are really that bothered anymore about either:
You
Or
Having sex with you

It should be a basic expectation that your partner will be clean and fresh before getting close to their genitals!

Gross. Did he ever get that lump sorted or is it still growing?

Do people really shower before sex?
Unless it's part of the actual build up, ie showering together, what's the point?

I have a friend who talks about getting straight in the shower after sex 'because you have to, don't you'.
Well, no, actually. Imagine finishing and then jumping straight up for a shower? No thanks.

Typical mumsnet. A man can’t be depressed, he’s just lazy. If a woman was displaying these symptoms, there’s no way she’d be told she was lazy and just to get a grip. The man would be criticised for not loving her enough or helping her enough.
You sound a deeply unpleasant person, OP

Fgs, she does NOT sound like an unpleasant person! What a silly thing to say. How many of us would really be attracted to someone with such poor personal hygiene?

I wouldn’t get in shower straight after sex, it’s not disgust at sex , it’s wanting to be fresh and clean for my husband that would make me shower/ freshen up before sex she is expect the same from someone who loved me but perhaps I shouldn’t have.
He never got lump sorted. He’s in medical profession so knew it was harmless and didn’t want to deal I think with other medical professionals because if some kind of ego thing. I would have him to just have it removed because it was unpleasant. I am tortured by going over the marriage because I ended it with two young children and we are all suffering the consequences in our respective lives. It wasn’t just this stuff it was talking to me as if I was a child most of the time, finger wagging, calling me unreasonable and worse names. Only helping me
Minimally with child and nothing at all in house . He showered each morning but at weekends he would sit around I’m showered until midday if he could I’m a blood stained t shirt and boxers whilst I desperately tried to get him to come out so I could get my son with asd outside where he could burn off the energy I’d been dealing with since the small hours.

Sit around Unshowered

Sorry I’m all fingers and thumbs

It sounds like you need to make yourself a written list of pros and cons of your past relationship, and also write down all the things your ex did or said taht made you feel small, dismissed or ignored.

You have separated so have clearly made a decision that you were unhappy and could not continue. I think you may benefit from counselling to actullay listen to and validate your inner voice.

Aside from individual's preferences on cleanlieness and sex, you were unhappy, your husband was aware you were unhappy and apparently did not make any effort to meet you halfway. It sounds as if you were unsupported in other areas (childcare), but are now doubting your decision.

Seriously, start a note book and write everything down. It will healp you remember why you left, stop you thinking "what if" and you can also focus on the things that are better now (freedom, not being brought down by his attitude or lack of care).

This is an issue of compatibility.

My husband and I are both pretty lazy about exercise, we both relax at the weekend in loungewear, & we both only shower in the mornings. & we are both happy and in love.

I really like it that we can be totally comfortable in our own skin. & I've put on weight since the birth of our son so I quite like that he also has a bit of a belly. We're still attracted to each other and we still have sex.

It works because our standards are compatible. If one of us wanted the other person to always wear ironed clothes, shower twice a day, etc, then it would breed resentment.

Also he would pick at his skin constantly so his t shirts and bed linen would be covered in pus/ blood stains but he didn’t care

That's revolting and there's also no fucking way I would be putting my chops around a parmesan shrimp either.

These things aren't unrealistic or unreasonable expectations they're just basic hygiene.

You're not asking for a supermodel, and I don't know anyone who would want to have sex with a sweaty, scabby, smelly and on top of that abusive twat.

Completely unnecessary and I agree passive aggressive 'victim'.

Don't beat yourself up OP, there's no way I could live with that either x

He sounds grim. I wouldn't want to shag him either.

My ex husband was like this. Once when he came to pick up our daughter after we'd so split he picked a bit of granola off his grubby jumper and ate it. 🤮

Often doctors will not take any action until they get to a certain size

This. I have one the size of a grape on my back.

Do people actually shower right before sex? Doesn't that rather interrupt the mood?

parmesan shrimp !!! 😂😂😂