Taking care of yourself physically for your OH

[NoFun21]

Would you find it difficult if your husband never exercised , wore creased/ stained clothes at weekends, had a fatty lump in his back which he let grow large and visible through clothes , didn’t go to hygienist regularly, didn’t shower at the end of the day and never freshened up before sex. Is it shallow to want to be able to genuinely fancy your partner and is it unreasonable to expect them to make a bit of an effort to be attractive. Do you think this kind of thing can be an act of passive aggression?

I really was not so awful to him as suggested. I feel like I’m calling in to Dear Joan and Jericha now.

Being lazy, unkempt, dirty, smelly, and otherwise unhygienic is not in any way comparable to simply being a bit overweight. The two aren’t anything like each other!

Plenty of overweight people (the majority, I would argue!) are clean, fresh, attractive to be around, look after themselves well and show respect to their significant others by making a reasonable effort to be pleasant to be around.

When I was married I didn’t shower before sex and neither did my husband. Not everyone does. Sometimes you just go with the moment don’t you?

@NoFun21 You do not need to be okay with this. It is not shallow to expect common decency from one’s partner. And I certainly would not ever have sex with someone I didn’t fancy.

Also he would pick at his skim constantly so his t shirts and bed linen would be covered in pus/ blood stains but he didn’t care. Also in his scalp. Of course he blamed me for this too because he was stressed but he’d done it when he was young too. I understood but was upsetting as I had so much laundry all the time and just found it quite off-putting. He didn’t do anything to help these issues,

We don’t shower before sex. But we don’t need to, because we’re not stinking, filthy, unhygienic people. We’re clean whether we’re going to have sex or not.

@NoFun21 are you still with him? You keep talking about him in the past tense so have you separated/divorced?

I think being clean, fresh breath, clean clothes etc are just basics. I don’t generally shower before sex though, nor does my DP - both of us shower daily, but sex is most often on weekend mornings before we get up.

We are separated but I constantly go over things in my head.He could be verbally abusive etc and I always felt this Lack
Of care for himself was an act of passive aggression, if I said anything I would be made out to be so nasty or shallow etc .

I stopped having sex with him and he was outraged.

Aww poor boy. Well tough. If he's so outraged then he should actually have a wash before having sex.

I don't shower before sex, but I do shower more or less every day.

Compare this to threads where a DH tells his MNetter DW that she's let herself go....

Why? This isn't about those posters, it's about this poster.

There are some things where it is shallow to comment on them - greying hair, wrinkles - and some where it's basic hygiene - wearing clean clothes, keeping hair and beard kempt.

But you fancy who you fancy and nothing turns me off more than a lack of respect. Well, maybe ignorance.....

It’s true what others have said, though - outside of plain old laziness, lack of self care can most often be traced back to come kind of mental ill health. Sometimes people can’t even make the effort for themselves, never mind someone else. But with help and support many people find routines to help them with basic self care, and being unable to do so for years on end indicates the individual either doesn’t care or is not trying, or is incapable of doing so. Which is very sad, but is something that cannot be fixed on their behalf.

@NoFun21 I think it’s time to make a clean break (excuse the pun), divorce him and stop agonising over the past.

It certainly sounds like a mental health issue. Picking at one's skin to that extent is an expression of a few different diagnoses. It doesn't sound as if he were lazy or malicious but actually quite ill.

Also he would pick at his skim constantly so his t shirts and bed linen would be covered in pus/ blood stains but he didn’t care.

I'm out

(That doesn't, of course, mean that you had to have sex with him. You can not have sex with anyone for any reason, and sex with him doesn't sound like it would have been particularly pleasant). But it does mean that the obvious resentment you feel about his condition is based in unhappiness with a disease, not with a character flaw.

YANBU my exh stopped cleaning his teeth, showering etc after we were married . Would wear the same clothes with foodstains, even though I did the laundry. He smelled and looked dirty and didn't give a crap. His breath could stop you at 10 paces.
Current DH showers daily, shaves, brushes teeth, clean undies and socks every day. Literally a breath of fresh air :) not much to ask IMO.
We're both a lot older but we're both still clean and groomed.

SpruceTree Mon 27-Jan-20 22:57:19
I certainly don't shower before sex. I am ash every day but don't shower every day. I am perfectly clean. I weigh 2 stone more than when I got married. I have a healthy happy sex life.
Maybe your husband is depressed OP.*

Really? So you could shower say, on a Monday morning and have sex on Tuesday eve or even Wednesday, not having showered for 36/48 hours?
YUK

If he’s got a MH problem he needs to see his GP & you should support him. If he’s a lazy dirty good for nothing I’d run for the hills.

Lump on his back?, a subaceous cyst easily removed under a local ansthetic. I had one just like that.

Quite common they are..

You can't force physical attraction, and nobody would be turned on by that level of lack of personal care. Most people understand that the love they have for their partner is conditional and I would say basic hygiene is non-negotiable, couple that with verbal abuse etc it's not hard to see why you separated.

Expecting sex when you've not bothering with personal hygiene is too much, I wouldn't go near my DH if he was smelly.

I've occasionally stopped snuggling and asked him to clean his teeth if his breath was rank and I'm fine if he says the same to me!

Your DH does sound depressed, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with his poor hygiene. I hope he gets help and things improve.

I am not sure I'd be criticising someone for having a tumour.

Fatty lumps (lipomas) are totally benign and used to be very common. The reason you don't see many nowadays is the same reason you don't see many cleft palates. They are put right as standard before they become a problem.

They don't hurt, and unless they get so large that they become a nuisance, don't necessarily cause a problem.

They are not remotely linked to cancer or anything like that.

You are no longer in this relationship.

Move on with your life.

Your allowed to go off someone.
Many people on here have split for a text that upset them, or a partner who never helps.
Such is life.
Please don't accept the blame for someone else's problems