Taking care of yourself physically for your OH

[NoFun21]

Would you find it difficult if your husband never exercised , wore creased/ stained clothes at weekends, had a fatty lump in his back which he let grow large and visible through clothes , didn’t go to hygienist regularly, didn’t shower at the end of the day and never freshened up before sex. Is it shallow to want to be able to genuinely fancy your partner and is it unreasonable to expect them to make a bit of an effort to be attractive. Do you think this kind of thing can be an act of passive aggression?

Hi OP,
From what you are saying you did the right thing in separating. Neither of you sounded happy.
Marriage should be a two way street.
Things will get better for you and your children with time.

OP, I think a lot of the posters on this thread have absolutely no idea what you had to deal with, and are simply looking at your post through their own (different) experiences.

I would not have tolerated one moment of your OH's lack of hygiene and self-respect. It sounds like you did completely the right thing for you.

So glad to read this right now as ssometimes I get a wobble of nostalgia after my husband walked out in us.
He would come home dusty and dirty after a day on a building site, sweaty and smelly. He would refuse to shower. He then got into bed and sweat all night long. His body would be wet.
He never smelled of bo, just dirt .it was revolting and I do think it was passive aggressive behaviours as the more time pleaded with him to shower the less he did.
Needless to say , the moment he met the ow his showering and grooming and sorting out his sinus and skin tag problems began immediately .
It serves to remind me of the lack of respect he had for me and the contempt with which he held for me.
He is some other poor woman's problem now .🤮

Don’t beat yourself up op.
You have done the right thing.
Done engage with any more nonsense from him.
Let him find an unwashed, flaking dirty clothes wearing partner to be happy with.
Meanwhile you can enjoy the rest of your life.

Look you need to talk to him
The lump can be excised by an NHS day clinic (it’s going to stink!)

The rest only you can determines through having a tactfully worded 1:1

Be kind , open , honest and maybe rehearse it a bit

If he gets shifty well you know you have an issue

There is no need to talk to him.

They are separated, for good reason(s). OP needs to make the break for good, not get embroiled in any kind of discussion with him.

RTWT !

He sounds grim OP, just like oral sex would be after a full day at work with no shower/freshening up.

What is RTWT? Why would it smell when he has it removed?

Because it’s nasty, infected gunk...

‘RTWT’ means ‘read the whole thread’. Not sure why that poster said that. Unless they were talking to me, which really doesn’t make sense as I have, in fact, read the whole thread, hence my assertion that you waste no more time agonising over this and leave the unhappy marriage to a lazy and disrespectful man where it belongs - firmly in the past.

(Unless it’s just a fatty lump, which is possible)

I am tortured by going over the marriage because I ended it with two young children and we are all suffering the consequences in our respective lives

Just move on with your life. He sounds utterly vile

Meh. He just told you everyday that you weren't worth being clean for.

The lump, not so bad, as that's a choice about non essential surgery (and, according to a friend, at a certain point, the risks and impact of removal increase significantly - he decided against it for that reason).

But definitely, a clean knob is a prerequisite.

Only saying this in case it helps you process/move on - if you have an ASD child, it can be genetic so perhaps some of his difficult behaviour could be undiagnosed ASD too. Check out support groups for NT partners of ASD people (e.g. on FB) to see if any of the experiences discussed ring a bell - it might help.

You are ‘allowed’ to leave a relationship if it no longer works for you. For any reason.

You don’t need to go over a whole list of reasons to try and justify to yourself that you did the right thing. (And yes, I would have left him too for those reasons.)

You no longer wanted to be in that relationship. You aren’t anymore. Move forth and get on with your life. You don’t need to feel guilty about it or try and get validation from others that your reasons were appropriate.

@Mistymonday not wanting to wash doesn't make him autistic ffs. It makes him a lazy scruff.

Just leave him, if he's not going to change or you're repulsed by sex with him it's over