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Relationships

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Original poster

Was I pushy?

95 replies

1stdates · 27/01/2020 21:29

Went on a date with a guy who I knew through some other people I know . It went well , we went to a nice place he picked me up etc. Radio silence after but he didn’t really text anyway . I text him saying thanks had a nice time, would he like to go again .

He took ages to reply and then said yes , I’m not free though for 2 weeks , il keep you updated , no need to rush , see how it pans out . I said I didn’t know what he meant would he want causal . He said yes keep it casual for now. I said that’s not for me . He said to not push something which may naturally come about . I said I’m looking to get to know someone properly for a relationship . In the end he said I can’t give you the time you need, let’s me friends . I said okay , I’d prefer to just leave it . He said oh Jesus you need to chill out.

Anyway , is it unreasonable to tell someone what you want after 1 date ? He’s 30 and I honestly expected more.

OP posts:

followingonfromthat · 27/01/2020 21:31

I don't think you were particularly pushy no, just fairly forthright - but he's obviously not that interested in a relationship at the moment, so at least you know where you stand.

Opentooffers · 27/01/2020 21:37

A tad overthinking maybe, can you really decide after one date if a person is relationship material and insist that they have to decide there and then if they are up for it with you? Do you even know how he kisses yet?
Hard to tell if he was unreasonable based on what you say - how long was radio silence and how long is 'ages' to reply? He may have been too lax, but maybe not

NoFun21 · 27/01/2020 21:37

No why waste your time? He was hoping to string you along and mocked you for knowing what you want.

Butterflyflower1234 · 27/01/2020 21:41

I respect you for being honest with yourself and him. If he thinks you've been pushy then the issue is on him.

I said to my now fiancé on the first date I was looking for marriage and babies. He said he respected me being honest with him. We're marrying next month so being honest doesn't always go against you.

sonjadog · 27/01/2020 21:52

I would have found it pushy if I were in his shoes, but I think it is probably a matter of personality type. You two are not compatible and you found out early on.

RantyAnty · 27/01/2020 21:58

Stop caring about the opinion of a stranger you went on 1 date with. There is no shortage of men and you could date a different one every day if you wanted. Next!

DearHappy · 27/01/2020 22:01

I think what you said is fair enough. It sounds like he was knocking you back by saying he wasn’t free for two weeks anyway and probably just wanted to pick you up as a ‘casual’ thing when he got back.

Opentooffers · 27/01/2020 22:03

I do get why the unprompted ' no need to rush' assuming there was no intention either way given from you prior to that statement, may see a bit odd, could put someone on the back door from the off and you may have correctly read between the lines on that and spotted a commitmentphobe

Opentooffers · 27/01/2020 22:04

'Seem odd', back 'foot' 🙄

CakeandCustard28 · 27/01/2020 22:04

If I had read those texts, yes I’d of found them pushy. Your only young, stop focusing on him and find the next one.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/01/2020 22:08

I don't think you were pushy.

You seemed straightforward and you weren't going to let him get away with being deliberately vague ... which, of course, he's perfectly entitled to be, but you got the measure of him and his response simply confirms it.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2020 22:10

Did you sleep with him? No judgement if you did, I just wondered.

Original poster

1stdates · 27/01/2020 22:14

Thanks all for the replies @Hollowtalk no I didn’t

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 27/01/2020 22:15

I would have found them pushy and unnessarary. Perhaps he had a two week holiday or something. You could have met him when he was back (if the date went ahead) and then said those things to him if you still weren't sure what he wanted.

But texting them like that (when the guy clearly didn't want to have a text convo with you) ...you didn't take the hint and yeah, it was pushy. And i would have felt the same way he did.

Knowing what you want and is important. But bulldozing other peoples boundaries isn't cool.

wowfudge · 27/01/2020 22:16

Well you'd hope someone interested would like to see you sooner. I can understand that if there were no reason given it would make you think they weren't.

Treesthemovie · 27/01/2020 22:16

I think you did the right thing. Sounds like he was only interested in something casual. He put you in the position to state that youre not looking for this

Sally2791 · 27/01/2020 22:19

You weren’t pushy, you are entitled to be honest about what you’re looking for, as is he. You’re not compatible and he was a bit rude.

Chocmallows · 27/01/2020 22:23

If he liked you he would say "would like to meet soon, but I'm busy over the next fortnight due to work/holiday etc., but let's chat and put the next date in the calendar". He basically said to you "chill out, maybe see you in a few weeks if I don't find better".

I'd shut the door and find someone more interesting who is interested in you.

Bluewater1 · 27/01/2020 22:27

I don't think you were pushy, I think you were clear. You know what you are looking for and I respect that. Playing games, playing it "cool" so we don't scare them off seems strange to me. I prefer honesty and knowing where I stand.
Maybe the next one will be open to looking for a relationship

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2020 22:32

I think after one date saying you basically want a relationship is a bit much. He's a stranger, you have to keep it casual at the start till you know each other a bit better then decide.

Graciebutterfly · 27/01/2020 23:53

Op didn't say she wanted a relationship with him, what she was asking ' was he looking for a relationship or a causal screw'
And she got her answer.

No point waiting to see if something happens, when the other person doesn't.

Its like asking someone do you want to see that film, them replying give me a week or so, and I may do.

It's either a yes or no.

Op I think you did the right thing. Because even if Mr perfect came along right now, there's no way I am ready to get into a relationship.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 00:48

I think you weren't getting the hint.

I wouldn't have text after this response...because his lack of contact until you messaged him..would tell me he wasn't that fussed about you.

He took ages to reply and then said yes , I’m not free though for 2 weeks , il keep you updated , no need to rush , see how it pans out .

You had to message him afterwards. He took ages to reply ...he didn't want to be rude and outright say he wasn't interested...probably because you have mutual friends...but you kept pushing.

If he was interested in a second date, don't you think he would have contacted you?

I'm not sure if you lack in relationship experience or you just don't read the signs well, but it was obvious to me from those responses, that he wasn't that into you.

I remember years ago being in a similar situation...because of mutual friends...I couldn't outright tell this guy I wasn't interested and he didn't get my lack of response as a hint. If we didn't have mutual friends...I would have been more direct with him...but I was trying to spare his feelings.

I said to my now fiancé on the first date I was looking for marriage and babies. He said he respected me being honest with him.

Now if a man said this to a woman...she would be told to run for the hills ...that it's a red flag. I think taking marriage and kids on a first date is too much.

Robin2323 · 28/01/2020 05:57

Back in the day if someone didn't contact you after the first date - they weren't interested.

Let them chase you but don't run too fast.

Maybe old fashioned but it weeded out the players and saved embarrassment and feelings on both sides.

StarlightLady · 28/01/2020 06:19

I think you looked keen rather than pushy. He’s probably not right for you.

Lalala205 · 28/01/2020 06:26

No you weren't pushy, but I'd probably have just left it after his busy for two weeks comment. Anyway at least you know and got a clear response so just chalk it up and give it no more thought.

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