Was I pushy?

[1stdates]

Went on a date with a guy who I knew through some other people I know . It went well , we went to a nice place he picked me up etc. Radio silence after but he didn’t really text anyway . I text him saying thanks had a nice time, would he like to go again .

He took ages to reply and then said yes , I’m not free though for 2 weeks , il keep you updated , no need to rush , see how it pans out . I said I didn’t know what he meant would he want causal . He said yes keep it casual for now. I said that’s not for me . He said to not push something which may naturally come about . I said I’m looking to get to know someone properly for a relationship . In the end he said I can’t give you the time you need, let’s me friends . I said okay , I’d prefer to just leave it . He said oh Jesus you need to chill out.

Anyway , is it unreasonable to tell someone what you want after 1 date ? He’s 30 and I honestly expected more.

@SandyY2K
He didn’t really message me before the date ,yet took me on a fancy date .

He should have had more integrity and been honest and said ‘I’m not interested’, rather than me reading signs. I do that.As for being rude , he has no qualms about that.

If someone is totally uninterested , they don't say something may come of this . What’s the point of that ? The danger is not being on the same page . He wanted to keep me as an option .

I told him I wanted to date and get to know someone . Some people are a slow burner , my ex was. This guy seemed quite shy at first.

I think it’s fair to be upfront about what you want; I’d prefer to know where I stand than be waiting weeks. If I’m honest though if someone says they’re busy for 2 weeks then that’s a brush off (unless they’re on holiday)

People says stuff they don't mean to spare your feelings.

You have yo 'judge ' propose by their actions.

If a man likes you he will move heaven and earth to see you .....

Thanks everyone . He has 2 holidays in the 2 weeks( well one seeing family and other and holiday ) that’s the issue . So as it was early days , I didn’t have a massive problems with it . But he could have found time before and also made a date / kept in contact . I was worried he would keep me as a casual connection and I wasn’t keen.

Yep, I’d have run for the hills if I’d received texts like that after one date. If he’d been keen he would have been texting every now and again, and would have arranged another date.

at the end of the day i would at least want to know is he looking for more? like is he looking at getting to know me for a relationship or just to have a no strings attached dating thing.. his answers were very vague and sounded like he was just going with the flow which is great .. if you have all the time in the world and dont care but i would be wanting to know whether to waste my time and find out in 3/6/12 months that no he isnt interested in being together when i could go and find someone else.

You were perfectly entitled to text what you did
He sounds vague and a bit arrogant and I’d have found his responses infuriating.

You rightly read that he was keeping his options open and right now that’s not where you are so you said so

I think you are different people at different stages and that’s great that you now know.

It’s ok go be clear if you don’t want the getting to know you stage fo be very vague and drawn out. It doesn’t mean you are asking him to commit after one date.

Move on and forget him. Sounds to be like you weren’t compatible anyway so thank god you haven’t wasted weeks or months hanging around.

He could. But you were someone he had only met once and I don't think it is unreasonable that he didn't want to prioritize meeting you over everything else he had going on for two weeks. I would have greater expectations of that if you had been dating for a few months, but someone you have met once? Nah, I wouldn't prioritize them either.

It would also really put me off them if they were telling me they needed to know if I wanted a relationship with them. How would I know that after only meeting them once??

So as it was early days , I didn’t have a massive problems with it .

It wasn't 'early days' - you'd been on one date. You have no entitlement to any kind of opinion on it. Saying you didn't have massive problems suggested you had some kind of problem which is ridiculous.

You were being incredibly pushy.

IMO you're one big, walking, talking red flag.

@GiveHerHellFromUs

So if it’s not early days , what is it late days ? He is an old work colleague , we have spoken before. I wanted to know where he was at in his life .People know if they are open to a relationship/ dating or not , It’s not that hard. I have never had a response like his , ever. That’s the red flag here.

'Late days' isn't a phrase though, is it?

'Early days' starts when you decide to actually pursue something. Not when someone pays for your dinner.

Maybe he just didn't have time to think/worry about whether he's actually interested in you because he's got other stuff going on.

You should've just given him his two weeks then seen if he got in touch.

Why ask if you were pushy if you're not willing to accept that you were?

I think you could be read as either pushy or straightforward.

Personally I think you rock, for stating your position and walking away. He proved who he was by concluding rudely that you need to chill out. Who does he think he is, to be telling you what you need to do?!

You'll get a healthy relationship if you stick to your technique, and wait for the person who responds with 'I love your honesty, and we both want the same thing, yay!'

But I'd walk, the second after I hear the word 'casual'. I wouldn't bother wasting my time asking further questions.

@GiveHerHellFromUs

You are entitled to your opinion.

Do people actually know that they are looking for a relationship though?

When I was dating, donkey years ago, I was just going out with people. Some turned into relationships and some were just short lived things.

When I met my now husband I had no aim for it to turn into a relationship, we were just dating and it progressed from there.

If I'd had 1 date with a man and then he started asking me if I wanted a relationship I would have run away as quickly as possible because how would I know after only 1 date?

@hearhoovesthinkzebras

I know I want a relationship v casual.
I asked if he wanted to meet again , not for a relationship. People tend to know where they are at in life .I find a lot of people have an agenda, which can include will string along until better .

As hard a pill to swallow as this can be, ultimately you both now know where you stand with each other and can move on with your lives on your own paths. Life is too short not to tell somebody how you feel about them/what you're looking for - equally, life is too short to chase somebody and force something that just isn't meant to be.

It's disheartening, especially if YOU really like that person, but I would rather have to come to terms with a harsh reality than be lead on by a "pretty lie". I wouldn't contact him anymore, don't give him the satisfaction.

@shakiwulub9
Thank you . I agree I’d much rather know now. I prefer things to be clear as in ‘ sorry I’m not interested’. I was into him and he did know it . But there are other people out there and I’ve got a clear head now :).

But you dont know after one date if you're open to a relationship with someone. You might be unsure if you actually want a relationship full stop! When I met DH I wasn't looking for a relationship so we went on a few dates before we decided that we did want to pursue a relationship.
I'd be a bit annoyed if I got your messages OP. I think it is too direct for a first date.

I find it weird that people think stating your intentions upfront is pushy or odd. At 30+ if you're tired of dating and casual and want to find a partner....it makes sense to say 'this is what I'm after ' if your aims arent aligned what's the point. It doesnt mean you want to marry them. That said a piece of advice I'd give is dont tell men what you want anyway. Not casual. Not husband. If you say marriage / relationship there are sadly many of them who will nod their heads, give enough to make you think they're the same but basically they just want a shag. And I agree with pp's that all the signs were there to drop him without the convo. Either way you got him out of the way fast.. .. which is the main thing

Yeah, you were pushy. It was one date with no contact afterwards from him without you contacting first.

Asking those sorts of questions after the first date would be suffocating imo.

I think it's a good idea to filter out those who are NOT looking for a relationship. The only way of finding out, really, is to ask if they are are not. It's not asking for a commitment to you personally, it's just making sure you're not about to waste your own time by becoming a time filling, emotion-free, quick-and-easy lay for somebody.

OP was pushy, yes, but the point is that some people appreciate 'pushy' and it's not a fault in the OP. The right person wouldn't have criticised her for it, and would have appreciated her straightforward approach.

It's not always easy to tell someone you're not interested though...and it doesn't mean he lacks integrity by not doing so.

One date, is not early days. You weren't in a relationship with him and saying you didn't mind him going away...I don't even know what to say about that.

I would never tell a guy I met through mutual friends or one I thought I was still going to see in any capacity that I wasn't interested. I wouldn't want to hurt them...if it was someone I met independently, I'm more likely to say something more direct, but even then, I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings.

Some people ask why you're not interested and I don't want to have to get into that with them. There's no need.

As an adult, you need to be able to read the signs. If he wa interested, he would have contacted you after the dinner date.

He would have said I'd like us to go out again, but I'm away for a couple of weeks.

Why ask if you were pushy if you're not willing to accept that you were?

I agree with this. Other people are saying you weren't pushy... that's their opinion, or perhaps they just don't want to hurt your feelings. As human beings...most of us don't want to be hurtful...even to a total stranger online.

The only way of finding out, really, is to ask if they are are not

His lack of contact after the date and then delayed response when the OP contacted him, was a clear indication he wasn't interested.

No questions were needed after that. I just think some people aren't able to read basic signs.

Communication is more than the spoken word. There's body language and other expressions that indicate a lack of interest in a situation like this.

Maybe he even exhibited some signs he wasn't that interested at the dinner date, but you didn't quite read the signs.

I've been upfront on first dates a few times and said I didn't think we were well suited, but it was awkward as they asked lots of questions and wanted to change my mind. I found the "there's no spark" message afterwards easier.

I have also been strung along by one man for a month who was constantly busy, but had time in between to relax without me. I told him I would carry on dating, met my partner and 18 mth later glad I didn't wait about for a not really interested man.