Was I pushy?

[1stdates]

Went on a date with a guy who I knew through some other people I know . It went well , we went to a nice place he picked me up etc. Radio silence after but he didn’t really text anyway . I text him saying thanks had a nice time, would he like to go again .

He took ages to reply and then said yes , I’m not free though for 2 weeks , il keep you updated , no need to rush , see how it pans out . I said I didn’t know what he meant would he want causal . He said yes keep it casual for now. I said that’s not for me . He said to not push something which may naturally come about . I said I’m looking to get to know someone properly for a relationship . In the end he said I can’t give you the time you need, let’s me friends . I said okay , I’d prefer to just leave it . He said oh Jesus you need to chill out.

Anyway , is it unreasonable to tell someone what you want after 1 date ? He’s 30 and I honestly expected more.

It’s fine to know that you want a long term relationship and a defined degree of commitment. But it has to be with the right person and it takes time to know whether someone is the right person. Lasting and healthy relationships are built on more than the physical attraction that prompts a first and even a second date.

I would say that the man is behaving a lot more sensibly than the OP. He has boundaries in place that mean he can progress a relationship in a sensible way. Without getting blinded by infatuation and love bombing tactics.

The OP desire for commitment is healthy. But I don’t think her response to the first date is healthy. The expectations and demands placed on the man were far too high. My concern is that she will fall for a love bomber and seducer who will give her immediate attention. It’s not good to assume this is a prelude to commitment.

No one with healthy boundaries could have given her the assurance she demanded after the first date. Anyone who did would be deceiving her and probably themselves.

I don't think either of you are wrong in this situation as both of your approaches to dating are obviously very different. You want something serious and committed, he obviously doesn't. You don't want to waste time on casual dating, he is happy to go with the flow. You weren't wrong to be blunt with what you want, and likewise, he wasn't wrong to be clear that he isn't looking for that at the moment.

My dh told me on our first date that he was looking for something serious and he wanted marriage and babies. I appreciated the honesty as I was also looking for the same. Had I not been looking for that then I would have backed away from getting to know him. It's good to be upfront.

However...you say in later posts that you didn't mind him going away for a week to see family and a weeks holiday because it's early days. This is just crazy talk. It's not "early days"- it's not any days as you've only been on one date. And even if you had been seeing each other for a few months that still doesn't mean that he can't spend time with family or on holiday without you. That comment alone makes you sound too intense.

I really don't understand the 'you have to read the signs' mentality. Of course we read non-verbal communication constantly from others, but if you're not sure, there's nothing wrong with asking. Non-verbals are done in different styles by different people, expecting everybody to understand everybody is WAY too big an ask.

It's all just part of the necessary filtering. OP likes to communicate verbally, and told clearly. There's a million other ways to communicate too, but that doesn't make this one wrong. Being uncomfortable telling somebody straight that you don't want a relationship with them is your own problem, but it makes it theirs too.

@Loogabarooga
Nooo I didn’t mean it like that. I meant I didn’t mind if he didn’t meet me in those two weeks as it is early days . He could have , but he doesn’t have to prioritise meeting me.

If you had something established you would use some of your free time to meet the person . Am I missing something here ?

I asked him on a second date , he gave an non committal response .

OP, nothing wrong with being forthright.

No need for him to be rude either.

Move on.
💐

Ahhh ok. My misunderstanding. Ok in that case then I don't think you've done anything particularly wrong. If it had been me then I would have gone on a couple more dates with him (whilst dating other people) just to see if it had legs but if not then I would have binned it off. Life is too short to waste dating incompatible people. Move onwards and upwards!

As a side note, his last message to you was a complete overreaction to what you'd said in your previous message. So for that reason alone then I think you're better off leaving it.

So as it was early days , I didn’t have a massive problems with it

Which makes you sound like the kind of person that, in a relationship, would make someone justify how they spend all of their time if it's not with you

Yes, you were pushy. Yes, it was OTT for one date in. You're not compatible, he's had a lucky escape, etc etc

I don't think you sounded pushy, more intense and a bit too much.

It sounds like he was just wanting to leave the end of the date open to think about things and see how things go over the next wee while. You sounded like you wanted answers. I would have found that a bit much and backed off.

However I have a friend who is like this, both with guys and in her friendships and it really gets to me so I could just be projecting how I feel about that onto my opinion of your situation.

Anyway, you've found that the two of you aren't compatible, so that leaves you free to have fun and go on lots more exciting dates Good luck in your quest to find love.

I would say that the man is behaving a lot more sensibly than the OP. He has boundaries in place that mean he can progress a relationship in a sensible way.

Eh? OP asked the questions she wanted, forthright, got the answers she needed, and binned him. What boundaries did she lack?

Just how 'into him' did you let him know about on 1st date? You've been very vague about the text interaction so far, so it's impossible to form an opinion, is a few hours 'ages' to you or a few days, to reply?

How long was the 'radio silence' ?

The way I see it, if someone told me they wanted a serious relationship on a first date, I'd assume they didnt particularly mind who the other person was. Like if someone told me on the first date that they wanted marriage and babies, I'd assume that they wanted someone to do those things with...like saying they want someone to go paragliding with. You just want someone, anyone, to fill that role and if they want the same, it doesn't matter what sort of person they are, what their values are etc, you'll just be together because its ticked the box sort of thing.

It would feel like they weren't "falling for me" but just settling. Ah she's a single woman who wants a relationship, I'll have one with her! Rather than, ah that's Bianca and I want her.
Does that make sense?

Classic case of “he’s just not that into you”

Pps have been very nice and polite but I fear not so honest.

“Radio silence”
“Ages to reply”
“Not free for 2 weeks”
“I’ll keep you updated” aka don’t call me I’ll (not) call you
“See how it pans out”
“Keep it casual”

You expected “more” after ONE date? Why?!

A guy who is genuinely interested will make it known and fast.

All my dates where the people were genuinely interested got in touch to set up another date within 48 hours - even where it was a casual relationship.

My ex husband lasted exactly 5 hours! And that was him waiting until a reasonable time to call the house I was living in and not be calling at stupid o’clock and waking folk (pre mobile phone days)

And saying you want a serious relationship after ONE date? Bad move! Nobody knows that after one date but people uncomfortable being single might say so.

“So if it’s not early days , what is it late days ?” It’s nothing at all!

“He is an old work colleague , we have spoken before.” The implication was you’d not met before, this seals it. Unless there were company rules against dating colleagues or one of you was direct boss to the other if he’d really fancied you he’d have asked you out WAY before now.

Quite honestly it sounds likely he was badgered into THIS date by your mutual friends.

Move on, and learn some “dating language” - are you very young? You seem very inexperienced in dating.

This will probably get me flamed but I think you’ll find this site:

https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/dating-tips-relationship-advice-for-women/

Very useful.

Like it or not we’re still
Operating in a patriarchy and that means men are still operating on old fashioned dating habits a lot of the time.

“Which makes you sound like the kind of person that, in a relationship, would make someone justify how they spend all of their time if it's not with you” I agree

Take some time to be HAPPILY single, build your self esteem and confidence and reach a point where you don’t NEED a relationship but it would be a nice bonus to your life.

People who are happy in themselves, confident, independent and not needy are far more attractive to others anyway.

Things is it alright asking what he wanted - but he could have lied.
Yes I want a serious relationship but when he really wanted 'whatever- leg over , occasional company

If not a question you can ask.

He did not pursue op after the first date. - there's your answer.

I've had first dates which I have not wanted to pursue. It happens.

Spot on @Graphista
This should be taught at school.

@Graphista
Asking someone out again isn’t needy . If he liked me he would take up the offer enthusically . He didn’t . I expected more as in a straight answer, because I was a colleague not a stranger !

You’ve made way too many assumptions here. We have no mutual friends and he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want .

I obviously was way too pushy for him , he’s not interested so I move on .

@Robin2323
What should be taught at school ?

With the update you were ex colleagues who asked who out first OP?

Okay it definitely read like you have mutual friends based on the first couple of lines of your OP! You know him through other people you know therefore people you mutually know!

OP had you actually met him before the date? We're you passing colleagues or acquaintances? How did you end up going out on the date with him? Did you get his number from somewhere or was it a blind date or something?

I think some of this might help explain why you might not have received a more straight forward answer...

Hi all thanks for messages
Met at xmas party, he chatted me up. Swapped numbers, nothing, I left it. I leave, a while later he messages and asks. Overall interest on his part wasn't peak, I should have known really.

p.s just passing collegues. I just thought he was very attractive ( he is).

A guy who is genuinely interested will make it known and fast.

Not necessarily. Men aren't all the same. Some men will move fast but I also know other men who even when very interested, they take it slowly. Because they're actually looking for a serious relationship and want some time to reflect before they book the next date. Neither is wrong, just as the OP's approach isn't wrong. It does mean that she risks missing out on some men though because she wants answers so quickly. I find the OP's approach very honest but a bit full-on to me. If a man followed up after a date like that, I would be running for the hills. But it takes all sorts I guess.

I wonder what he meant by "casual" - from the other comments he made it sounds as if he maybe just meant "let's not tie ourselves down to regular dates yet, but instead let it grow organically"? Starting out in a relaxed way and seeing if a serious relationship develops?

And what did you mean by "casual", OP? Sounds from your comments as if you thought "casual" meant he didn't want a serious relationship ever?