Was I pushy?

[1stdates]

Went on a date with a guy who I knew through some other people I know . It went well , we went to a nice place he picked me up etc. Radio silence after but he didn’t really text anyway . I text him saying thanks had a nice time, would he like to go again .

He took ages to reply and then said yes , I’m not free though for 2 weeks , il keep you updated , no need to rush , see how it pans out . I said I didn’t know what he meant would he want causal . He said yes keep it casual for now. I said that’s not for me . He said to not push something which may naturally come about . I said I’m looking to get to know someone properly for a relationship . In the end he said I can’t give you the time you need, let’s me friends . I said okay , I’d prefer to just leave it . He said oh Jesus you need to chill out.

Anyway , is it unreasonable to tell someone what you want after 1 date ? He’s 30 and I honestly expected more.

@ravenmum I read it as he meant "chill out and stop trying to force it. Just enjoy it and see how it goes" and OP meant it as fuck buddies

@GiveHerHellFromUs Yes, and when she said she wanted a serious relationship he thought she was asking him to commit from the first date and got all shirty. Crossed wires I'd say.

@ravenmum yep 100%!

I think you come across as a bit intense and maybe there was a crossed wire or two that didn't help.

Good lord you’re hard work op!

YOUR words

Went on a date with a guy who I knew through some other people I know = mutual friends I’m far from the only person to have thought this is what you meant

“Asking someone out again isn’t needy” it is if their behaviour clearly indicates they aren’t interested

“he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want” where’s THAT attitude coming from?

Few people feel comfortable being blunt in all their interactions particularly in the dating arena.

2 things you could do with watching in addition to the site I already recommended:

The film “he’s just not that into you”

This “friends” scene

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CTbVkY8ccQM

I’m sure others on thread can come up with others.

@hundredmilesanhour - I disagree, in my experience at the grand old age of 47 and from many conversations with the men I know it’s generally true unless you’re dealing with an extremely shy man.

Even women (I’m bi) tend to let you know if they’re interested within a couple days.

@graphista
He said when it comes to dating he doesn’t do things to spare anyone’s feelings. It isn’t needy to ask someone out , men do it all the time . I’m not a fan of that film .

He COULD have been a slow burner , he wasn’t . I know he’s not interested. I’ve pursued a man who became my bf once. My best friends aren’t married as she chased. Exceptions not rules ... but hey
Give me a break

That's friends sketch is
Very good.

Short version dating is rough.
Thought tempting chasing a bloke is a bad idea - big turn off - men like the chase.

One of the sexiest things about a man is enthusiasm for you and you don't get that trying to pin him down for a second date when he's made absolutely no effort to contact you.

Just put it down to experience that's what I did.

One lad had his mother lie he was out when I rang - how embarrassing for me.

It may not be what you want to hear but everything @Graphista
Has shared is spot on.

Plenty more fish - his loss bah bah.

I'd not have bothered to contact him again after the 'I'll keep you posted' text. Would have just blocked and move on. I couldn't be arsed with all that 'casual' shit when I was dating after I found out what it really means is I'll just shag around and then maybe decide which one gives me the best that's for me. Like an audition. Fuck that.

You didn’t need to pin him down over multiple texts. It was obvious he wasn’t into you.

But, then again, there is now no danger of being strung along as a casual fb, with you hoping for more that would never come.

So win win. Move on.

From the OP.

First this
Went on a date with a guy who I knew through some other people I know

Then this
old work colleagues

Followed by this
We have no mutual friends

And finally this
Met at xmas party

I'm confused, which is it?

Eckhart

I really don't understand the 'you have to read the signs' mentality.

if you're not sure, there's nothing wrong with asking.

My point is if you aren't sure a guy isn't interested when:

1. There's radio silence and he doesn't contact you after a first date/for a second date

2. When you then follow up and ask him

3. When he takes ages to respond to your message

4. When he does, he says he'll let you know and says no need to rush, see how it pans out

Why would anyone not be sure after all this?

His lack of contact then eventually his non committal responses made it obvious he wasn't interested.

If this isn't crystal then then your ability to read really basic signs is totally off.

If you didn't know after number 1, 2 and 3...oh well...after number 4...that says it all.

This is the same way some people totally ignore or fail to see the warning signs when a relationship is going sour.

Then they become blindsided when the other person ends the relationship...while all the while the signs were there.

It isn't needy to ask someone out the first time - I've done that myself with great success.

It IS needy to pursue a 2nd date with someone who is CLEARLY not interested.

I suspect the reason you dislike the film is you're too much like ginnifer goodwins character.

You really do need to relax, get more confident in yourself and in yourself as a single person especially.

Because if you carry on like this you're either going to remain single, end up in a fwb situation that you don't realise you're in desperately hoping it'll turn into a real relationship or even worse end up with a love bombing, possessive & controlling man.

You may not like what I'm saying but unless and until you acknowledge your way isn't working you're not going to get the relationship you want.

Why a person isn't sure isn't the point. Saying to somebody that they just need to be reading signs better isn't helpful. We weren't there and there will have been nuances we don't know about.

OP wasn't sure and asked. When she got her answer in a way that was clear to her, she walked.

Maybe not everybody is as good at reading signs as you, but that's no reason to tell them that their 'ability to read signs is total off'.

How critical.

Tbh I thought the man in this scenario was already so thoroughly patronising to OP that she doesn't actually need any more randoms telling her to "just chill"...

Eckhart

We weren't there

We didn't need to be there...the messages and his non committal responses that the OP has shared say it all.

It is an issue for a person if they cannot read such obvious signs. It's not critical to point this out...it's evident from the information we have.

Being defensive and unable to accept constructive feedback will not help an individual like this going forwards.

It IS needy to pursue a 2nd date with someone who is CLEARLY not interested.

I couldn't agree more.

A man (or woman) who was interested would have responded very differently.

Not waiting ages to respond, then giving a really wishy washy response.

Anyone who thinks a person that indicates interest, is really not a good judge of social human interaction and behaviour.

@SandyY2K
I know he wasn’t interested . That’s why I didn’t hang on in there . Many would . As I said before never has any man said to me ‘something may come of this ‘. Very odd wording .

HE said to me everything has changed ,women can pursue men . HE said to me he can be lazy with contact in general. This aligns with his personality . My ex did not contact me for ages after a 1st meet, ended up being more keen on me than vice versa. Actually , I met another ex on sat he text I ignored and was planning on ignoring .

I wanted to know if we would meet again . Not everyone is the same. Of course he wasn’t that interested , doesn’t mean he had no interest whatsoever . Frankly his attitude stunk . He’s not the one for me.

I think you were coming across as pushy.

There’s nothing wrong with saying you’re looking for something more substantial, but that’s the kind of conversation to have face to face where you can get a good read on someone’s tone (ie is it a general “this is what I’m after” or a desperate “marry me now”). A text (or email) is by its nature very brief and it’s nearly impossible to interpret tone, sarcasm etc from it if you don’t know the person well (or even if you do). It’s such a bad idea to have more meaningful discussions this way.

You texting as you did would have come across very pushy to me if I was receiving them. That’s not to say you are pushy necessarily, but it’s how you came across to me reading your text descriptions.

I’d have asked if he wanted to see you again, then left it until you met up to discuss. Or asked on the first date and made sure it came across as I meant it (ie not desperate marry me please !!!!).

Also, you’ve asked if YABU/pushy, yet you clearly don’t think you were. Why are you arguing with those that have a different view to you - surely they are the ones to listen to more as they offer a different perspective to yours (even if you decide you disagree after considering points raised). Or do you just want validation for your point - in which case this is not the best forum !

Not pushy at all. I got up and left a date halfway through once because the guy said something similar. Didn't even finish my drink

If someone did that to me, I would think they were really rude. Also really strange.

Are there really people who would react favourably to being asked if they want a relationship on the first date?

That would send me running for the hills. How is it even meaningful? They might say yes and then when they get to know you change their minds.

I’m the OP and I have re-read the messages I sent ( to him) .Thanks for all the replies .

So overall, I was quite pushy . Only because he was non committal . I asked him if he wanted to meet sometime , so I was surprised when he said let’s not rush , let’s see how it pans out. Found it a bit odd as only asked for a meet.

I did say I would like to date someone to get to know them for a potential relationship .

In the end he said he definitely didn’t want anything serious . (That could be with me or that could be genuine).

I had to cut it off because I feel that he wasn’t very interested but would have kept me around for a potential shag. .. he is cocky and does have a lot of women after him.

Overall I think most likely me and him are incompatible, I like to know where I’m at put a date in the diary, that is just who I am. Other people aren’t so bothered .

If I could go back I definitely wouldn’t ask him to meet again . I was naive to think I’d get a straight answer just because that’s what I would do.