Scared - what to do

[scared2020]

I can't say everything but basically my DH has become extremely angry with me shouting, swearing, thrown my shoes outside the back door , kicked cardboard boxes down the hall.
He just called me a ' piece of fu**ing shit '.
He's had a couple of glasses of red wine earlier on.

The weekends are tough. My tolerance fir being around him has gone down now.

OP how are things now?

Have you gathered any information regarding the situation for example, have you read up on making a safety plan?

Have you looked into divorce and housing arrangements?

What's going on now?

I haven't done much. I work very long hours in the week.
I saw my therapist on Wednesday.
I haven't seen a lawyer yet but hope to soon.
I spoke to DV penny appeal but rang the actual WA helpline several times and had no reply.
Don't want to e mail, though I do have An anonymous one.
Don't want to call the
Local one as Im unlikely to need accommodation and have worked there on the past as well as working in related field.

Well done on trying to contact the various organisations.

You can find details on making a safety plan here. You can also pack a bag which you can hide with someone or in the house, should you need to flee.

There are a couple of legal options such as an Occupation Order or Non Molestation Order. An Occupation Order regulates the family home and a non molestation order means he can be arrested for threatening or harming you. You can get more info on those here. The NCDV can give you more information on that.

Regarding separation or divorce. Read up on divorce and separation. Here's the CABx guide to ending a relationship. Make sure you read the info relevant to where you are in the UK as laws vary.

You can find a Family Law solicitor here.

I advise you to dial 101 and speak to the police about the abuse. Dial 999 should he threaten you like that again.

Do you have anywhere to go should you need to grab your bag and flee? Consider telling a close friend or relative. See if there's cheap hotel near you where you can hole up for the night. Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 for info on refuges.

Do you think what he did was that serious?

Yes of course. Don't you? I would dial 999 if someone came into my house, called me a piece of fucking shit and threw my stuff around. I would be extremely frightened and fear for my life. Why is it somehow 'safer' or less extreme if it's your partner?

What you going to do OP if next time he's kicking you along the hallway instead of cardboard boxes?

How low is your bar on how to be treated if this is acceptable behaviour?

Yes I did. I suppose it fades when things go back to normal/ settled and work concerns have now taken more of my attention as I had an episode of public undermining / bullying in work this week.
I'll try WA again today

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time at work as well. That's very, very tough to be dealing with both situations at the same time. I hope you have support in real life.

Please keep yourself safe OP. I'm concerned this is going to escalate and you won't be prepared if it does. If you get the time, please read up on safety and make a plan in the event that happens.

Thankyou. That's very kind. I had bullying at work in the past, it's affected my confidence and caused employment/ performance anxiety.
This week was just one public rant/ speech from my line manager but unfortunately it was unfair as he hadn't listened properly and also was public in front of my other line manager, my whole team and allied professionals.

I know this is derailing the thread but are you taking evidence of the bullying and are you in a union? Have you contacted ACAS?

I'm
Looking into it today. I would have to go to snr management and I do have a union.
The decision I feel I need to make is

1. Am I becoming too stressed to work and need time off
2. Do I tell snr Mx
3. Do I ask to move area
4. Do I resign

Don't make any of those decisions without consulting your union first because you may have a case for constructive dismissal.

I would definitely take time off work and I would also see about getting some kind of counselling as you need some support through all this. There may be counselling available via your workplace Employee Assistance Programme if your work has one. If not you can take a look at BACP.

I have counselling - v high quality

That's good to hear.

You have a lot on so take this one step at a time. First of all is your safety. Please read the info above and sort out a safety plan.

Second is your mental health, you're already seeing a therapist which is great but taking time off work would be beneficial. Then make an appointment with your Union and get advice on what's going on at work.

Yes it's hard when those who you would think might support you are also looking fir any weakness to use against you. Can't confide about the work issue as he will love that Im potentially failing at it and soon start with the jokes.
I can't make rash decision or retire with work as it's likely we will separate.
I can look for another job.

OP it's just heartbreaking that your partner would make jokes about something as serious and devastating as bullying at work. I really do think that it's time to move on now.

Like I said, don't do anything without speaking to your union first but, I generally advise people to find another job if they're being bullied because it can harm your mental health.

Perhaps finding a job somewhere else would be the best way of killing two birds with one stone. I'm concerned about these instances of bullying OP and am wondering if this is a pattern which I hope your therapist is working on with you.

New job, new flat, new start.