Scared - what to do

[scared2020]

I can't say everything but basically my DH has become extremely angry with me shouting, swearing, thrown my shoes outside the back door , kicked cardboard boxes down the hall.
He just called me a ' piece of fu**ing shit '.
He's had a couple of glasses of red wine earlier on.

My friend isn't coming now :(

@scared2020 sorry your friend let you down. How are you feeling? Has anything else happened today?

I have been exhausted today and struggling with the effects of the night - was there any more threat, was I safe, what to say and do , was it safe to rest, cancelled my plans. I had a real dip in my emotions but feel a little better now.

That’s understandable you’ve felt exhausted, the whole situation will have taken a lot out of you. Constant hyper vigilance alone is exhausting. Do you think you might feel able to contact women’s aid to help navigate a way forward?

I've come into work today a bit anxious and sad but hope to do my best and have a good day

Contact Women's Aid!

This is no way to live. (And talk to your boss if you need to.)

I've been in touch with women's aid. They said it is verbal mental and emotional domestic abuse and to speak with him to say the impact it is having on me and to see if he takes it on board and is willing to change. I have spoken with him in the past - he tends to get angry.
She said to put myself first. That I will become worn down. That it tends to get worse.

OP have you spoken to him? I am sorry you are going through this x

No I haven't tonight I was home late after work and speaking to WA.
I will try but I personally feel he knows he is doing wrong and is doing it to control me and because he is entitled rather than not realising how it's affecting me.,

Hi everyone. I have spoken to women's aid and read around this problem a bit. The WA worker advised me to speak with him to ask if he's willing to change. That he's crossing lines and to ask if he is willing to reflect and stop. Also to let him know how it affects me.
I have mixed views on this as it involves me sort of admitting to him he affects me when I think he'll be quite pleased about that as if he's' won' .
Secondly Im worried he'll kick off.
Any advice?

I’d keep it as this is not an acceptable way to behave/interact towards someone you care about. That moving forward things need to be different as this is not the way to treat someone you love and care about. I’d also be inclined not to give him the ammo that his behaviour has hurt you.
In fact upon reflection, the fact that you feel he would be pleased that he’s hurt you tells you all you need to know imho

@Idontkowmyname is right.
Speak straight forward and simple, but have a plan B ready to go.

Anyone around? I am struggling with anxiety. I got halfway home and realised I didn't want to go home and have this sense if fearfulness

Trust your instincts, don’t go home! Go anywhere else, a friend’s, a travelogue. Where is your son? Is he at home?

You ok?

Your h has really done a number on you, OP. He's made you fearful and anxious and this is no way for anyone to live.

His shenanigans with the door gadget and screwdriver, throwing your shoes out of the back door, kicking boxes down the hall, appear to be a purposeful act designed to intimidate you rather than a reaction to him having had a couple of glasses of red wine.

I'm not entirely convinced that WA's advice to talk to him is wise and I certainly wouldn't advise you to give the fucker cause for rejoicing disclose the adverse effect his behaviour is having on you.

However, I would suggest you draw yourself up to your full height and tell him that his abuse stops now otherwise he'll receive your petition to divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour.

As this may cause him to kick off again, keep your mobile to hand with 999 pre-dialled ready to connect when you press the relevant button.

What I'm NOT going to do is advise you to ltb because I am firmly of the opinion that he should be the one to vacate the marital home and this will be achieved if he kicks off again and you call the police.

Before going down this route, you may be best advised to speak to an officer in your regional police authority's domestic violence unit, outline what has taken place, and ask them to flag your number so that you get an immediate response to any call you make.

Chin up! He's on a mission to control you - show him the error of his ways. You CAN do it and I'll return to your thread regularly to hold your hand and encourage you to flex your muscles and wipe the smirk off his face give him a much needed shock.

Here I am again I don't want to go home

Do you have anywhere else to go? Friends/relatives who would let you sofa surf? Where is your ds? If he's not with you, what happens to him if you don't go home?

I think you should talk to your regional police authority's dv unit. You can't go on like this and the police should remove him from your home either because of the screwdriver incident or if he kicks off again - in which case his feet shouldn't touch the floor before he's banged up in a cell pending interview.

Check our local authority/council's website. They may have a 'one-stop' dv shop who can alert and liaise with the police on your behalf. But they can't be with you all the time and sooner or later you'll have to go home and, if he's there, you'll have to face him.

Sometimes our fears can get out of hand and seem insurmountable. Take heart and know that if there's any repeat of his behaviour the other night, a call to 999 will lead to his removal from your home. All you'll have to do is tell them how fearful and scared you are of him and his irrationality/unpredictability coupled with a brief resume of his previous mental health problems.

What he exhibited the other night is tantamount to threatening behaviour which could have led to a breach of the peace if you hadn't taken steps to, effectively, become a ghost in your own home.

I get the feeling he's enjoying this. Please don't give him the satisfaction and get in touch with the police or one stop dv shop before the weekend is upon us - I don't want to think of you walking the streets because you're scared to be in your own home.

Have you considered reporting your post and asking mumsnet to move it to the Relationships board? There's more traffic there and, if you're lacking friends/family to help you out, it may be that a mumsnetter or two lives close to you and could be willing to meet up just so that you have a friendly face to chat to about anything - not necessarily this particular matter unless you want to.

donkeyshot
Thanks fir your replies. I'm in work and will read and respond fully later

So I just spoke with him again. Thought I felt safer in daytime rather than bedtime and when I was due to leave the house. Stated my position. Said on reflection I would have asked him to take it down the next day and I was sorry he was upset but I felt the contraption was dangerous and bizarre.
He was defensive and saying I did it deliberately and gave the impression he thought I had done wrong taking it down and he had done no worse!
I explained his behaviour was unacceptable to me and intimidating and the ball is in his court to make a repair. He made no such assurances. I told him this was the third time I wanted to give him a chance to explain and apologise. He said it's up to me to apologise which I did. He was sort of saying he apologises when I apologise fir making him do it by my actions.
I explained it doesn't work like that fir me, there is no pay back like that which is acceptable in my eyes.
There was a lot more but I left him to reflect and told him I will report him if at any time si feel unsafe or if he is aggressive or intimidating.

I felt mildly under threat as he got angry all over again but couldn't believe he didn't see he had behaved on any way badly.

It's not in his interests to believe he's behaved badly. If he went down that road he'd have to admit he's a bully and that his behaviour is causing fear and intimidation to his nearest and dearest.

At least he can't say he wasn't warned if it's necessary for you to call the police on him, and I suggest that if he kicks off again you make the call without hesitation.

How do you feel now? How is your ds faring and where is he when you delay going home?

I'll PM you

Sorry can't see pm option on the app on my phone. I'm home normally now. Ds is with me. No children at home before I get home. And all over 18.
Situation appears more settled now and have spoken to several people about this including my counsellor. I have told him what's what and will have to see what happens. I feel I want to separate and will work toward this with advice. But I have left ball in his court to reflect and apologise.