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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared - what to do

117 replies

scared2020 · 26/01/2020 01:08

I can't say everything but basically my DH has become extremely angry with me shouting, swearing, thrown my shoes outside the back door , kicked cardboard boxes down the hall.
He just called me a ' piece of fu**ing shit '.
He's had a couple of glasses of red wine earlier on.

OP posts:
Twillow · 09/02/2020 10:50

He said it's up to me to apologise which I did. He was sort of saying he apologises when I apologise fir making him do it by my actions.

Well done for having the discussion. His responses are worrying. He's making out you took the thing down deliberately to annoy him. He won't apologise for his unacceptable behaviours - swearing, scaring you, kicking things around. He got YOU to apologise.

When you're in an abusive situation your frame of reference gets skewed. You start looking for the best out of a set of bad options. Would it help to think what would have happened in your ideal relationship i.e. you have a disagreement about DIY (happens all the time), discuss it and come to an agreement ("yes, you're right - good idea but looks weird and is noisy - I'll take it down"). In abusive situations this doesn't happen and the disagreement gets personal instead of being about the DIY, or whatever it is.

Twillow · 09/02/2020 10:51

making him do it by my actions

That's a key abuse statement. Passing the blame onto you, not taking responsibility for what he chose to do.

Original poster
scared2020 · 09/02/2020 14:51

donKeyshot
I'm feeling back on an even keel emotionally rather than distressed. I feel more in control but not brushing this under the carpet. I feel having shared with some close confidantes I am gaining self belief and perspective. I am at hone and feel fine at hone.
Twillow
It is abuse and apparent complete lack of insight into his behaviour. It's a battle to get him to see anything from another point of view. But he may do so but just want to dominate.

Today he has been ok only small comments :
Thought we might go out fir lunch as ' we aren't very good at cooking at the weekend'
He threw away my recipe cards yesterday when I left the room for a few moments after I had just said I was just about to deal with the meals- order box when I was cleaning the kitchen. He didn't tell me, when I asked where they were he said well they are just trash aren't they.
Many other comments but can never remember them all

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 10/02/2020 07:44

Who gave him permission to throw away your recipe cards? I hope you were able to retrieve them or did he tear them up as well as dispose of them.

This is just another form of abuse and intimidation. He's toying with you and it won't be long before he ramps it up again. Does he make his negative comments out loud or does he mutter them so that you can barely hear what he said?

Excluding work colleagues, tell as many people as you can as their feedback will help you to think 'how dare he' when he acts out and help you to recover your sense of self.

Please don't be browbeaten by this abusive arsewipe. Stand up for yourself, give as good as you get verbally, and DON'T HESITATE to call the police if he makes you feel scared of what he might do or if he starts kicking things around again..

Original poster
scared2020 · 10/02/2020 08:01

He threw out the cardboard box and put the cards in recycling.
The house is full of his paintings, mirrors, clocks, ornaments, rugs, antiques, bits of things for diy and clothes in various rooms none of which I feel I can get rid of or even move without his permission/ though it's difficult to engage him to agree to sort through the things.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 10/02/2020 13:04

If he doesn't need your permission to dispose of your things, you certainly don't need his permission to get rid of some of his crap, OP.

But that's by the by as the issue here is that he's continuing to intimidate you which indicates he's deliberately ignoring what you've said to him.

Remember, you have nothing to apologise to him for but he, on the other hand, should be on his knees begging you to forgive him and promising that he'll never make you feel fearful of him again.

Original poster
scared2020 · 10/02/2020 17:53

Yes - the gadget I removed was his ' thing' wasn't it. So the warning is - don't deliberately move my things or this is how Ill react. So I'm stuck with that. Or stuck with a painful separation.
It's all impacted my mental health recently so I struggle with feeling low and anxious

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 10/02/2020 18:16

A separation/divorce may be painful, but I have no doubt your mental health would take an upturn and you would't feel half as low and anxious as you do now if you were living away from him.

DonKeyshot · 10/02/2020 18:20

The point is that you merely moved his door gadget and didn't throw it away, but he threw away your recipe cards & their box in a deliberate act of what - vengeance or intimidation?

You would be so much better off living away from him.

EyUpDuck12 · 10/02/2020 18:24

Just leave him. Now.

Original poster
scared2020 · 10/02/2020 19:09

I think he just put the food delivery box outside because he likes to take over and Zi hadn't got round to it yet and must have taken the cards out if the box thought they were unimportant and chucked them. Of course he could have asked h my s if I wanted them. Or not interfered.

I'm feeling quite low tonight after work.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 10/02/2020 20:22

He's a controlling and abusive arsewipe.

Putting your recipe cards in the trash shows how little he thinks of you and also puts you in your place - i.e helpless and unable to fight back.

Jeez, if I came home to that I'd feel like digging a hole under the patio low and dispirited, but you DON'T have to live like this. It's no life for you, or anyone for that matter.

When do you get get to look forward to going home after work? To feel relaxed in your home? To not feel as if your walking on eggshells around him? To enjoy your home without fearing that he might go into one?

Original poster
scared2020 · 10/02/2020 20:32

Mm I have a very stressful job. Lately I've had work anxiety . But it's less stressful than being with him at the weekend when he's like this.
At the moment work is stressing me and home is stressing me which is when I start to struggle.

OP posts:
Twillow · 10/02/2020 20:41

Honey, while the separation may be painful it will not be as painful as the life you are living now, sorry to go back to your own home. Been there. The freedom is worth any short term pain.

DonKeyshot · 10/02/2020 20:52

You're stressed at work and stressed at home and if you carry on like this you're likely to become severely depressed or your anxiety will manifest in physical ailments.

The answer's in your hands, OP. We can advise but we can't act for you - only you can save yourself.

DonKeyshot · 15/02/2020 19:11

Is this weekend any better for you, OP?

Original poster
scared2020 · 20/02/2020 20:48

Thanks for asking DonKey

I've not been doing too well. I've had a relapse into really bad anxiety. I have got into work which usually serves as a distraction but I do have a very stressful job so it's still draining.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 20/02/2020 22:50

Have you got the werewithal to stay in a hotel or airBnB on work nights so that at least you're having a break from tensions at home?

As I've said, my fear is that if you continue in this vein your anxieties may begin to adversely impact on your physical health.

Original poster
scared2020 · 20/02/2020 22:57

I suppose I hoped everything would go back to normal.
Ds going to uni later this year.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 20/02/2020 23:20

Your ds won't be going to uni till September at the earliest. Do you think you'll be able to cope with your anxieties for another 7 months and what do you think will change after your ds has decamped to uni?

Original poster
scared2020 · 20/02/2020 23:24

I supposeI didn't realise I'd feel this way. I will cope until September but I'll be very unhappy.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 20/02/2020 23:45

Presupposing you continue to live this miserable existence until September, what will change at that time?

We aren't given fairy godmothers in this life and if you want/need to bring about change you'll need to find a wand and wave it yourself.

Relieve some of your anxiety by being proactive; make an appointment with a solicitor with a view to finding out where you stand financially if you file for divorce.

Once you've got this under your belt, you can use the knowledge to become more assertive at home or hug it to yourself while 'officially' knowing that you can extricate yourself from an unhealthy and unsatisfactory marriage at any time.

If you don't make an appointment soon, chances are you'll become so mired in depression that it'll be hard, if not impossible, for you to find the energy to consult anyone let alone a solicitor.

You don't have to stay on this hellish merry-go-round - you can step off any time you choose.

CalleighDoodle · 20/02/2020 23:55

Are your children your husband’s children?

Original poster
scared2020 · 20/02/2020 23:57

Yes

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 25/02/2020 06:29

How did the weekend go, OP? Were you able to relax?

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