DP secret debt!

[RubyandMax]

Background: DP & I are unmarried, we've been together 12 years and have three children primary/preschool age.
We're both fairly low earners - DP is employed and earns about £20k and I have been self-employed for the last couple of years and am on track to make about £25k this year.
We rent a 3 bed house privately and would be unlikely to be able to be able to afford to buy a 3/4 bed house locally, though I have a Help to Buy ISA just in my name worth about £18k.
We have a joint bank account and personal accounts but (as far as I was aware!) all our money is joint/pooled.

So, getting to the point - I noticed recently DP had been secretive about banking on his phone. I pressed him about it and he admitted he had an overdraft on his personal account of about £1000. I was upset, but told him I had £1000 put aside for tax and we could use that to pay off the overdraft.

We are (I thought) pretty much debt free (a couple of hundred on store cards that we are quickly paying off) - this is important as some shared ownership houses are being built at the moment in our town and we should be in a very good position to buy one with a 50-75% share. This is the closest we have ever been to buying a house and it is something I have been working hard towards.

Anyway, so as we are discussing the overdraft I ask to look through DP's internet banking so we can work out why he has been overspending and look at a budget together. At this point he is forced to admit he actually has £8k debt! This is a huge, huge amount for us

I just feel so, so devastated, betrayed and lied to. I don't know where to go from here - whether I should try to help him fix it. Honestly I feel like just walking away at the moment and protecting my money and letting him sort it (or not) himself.

I'm just totally lost on how to move forward and would welcome any advice from people who have been here.

I think actions will speak louder than words OP. So you should monitor whether he is more financially responsible over the next few months.
Effectively you are doing longer hours to pay his debt. Is he going to step up or not? Keep an eye on it.

I have only paid off DP's overdraft and contributed his proportion of rent/bills money

So far

Unfortunately you've now set a precedent; all he has to do is say "sorry" and, despite the lies and uncertainty over whether he's even faithful, the money will come rolling in for him. He'll work on this of course, and with no marriage he's got no responsibility to you at all - only the children

He's good at this, isn't he?

Not being married is a very good thing, given his behaviour.

@RubyandMax

You have every right to be cross, just as I would be.

BUT.. I think it's important to acknowledge that the debt hasn't been built up for selfish reasons or due to secret problems, from your previous posts it seems to be that hes simply wanted to provide the best he can for you and your DC. Because of this I really think it would be cruel and unfair for you to call it a day with him as all hes attempted to do is allow you all to live better, and this is probably what has given the impression of living comfortably. The problem is hes gone about it in a incorrect manner by taking out debt and hiding it (probably through wanting you to not stress about money, and after a while, shame).

I would look at where the debts are, and how much, consider how much money you have spare each month and then what you can pay off. Having debt does not mean you will be unable to get a mortgage, and there are some good sites like money saver etc which look at how to manage debt but also how to make it have the least amount of impact on mortgage applications.

You also need to have a frank chat with your DP, acknowledging he has tried to allow you all to live comfortably and negate money issues, but unfortunately this is not the route to take unless it's well managed and your open with each other.

And remember, it seems scary and horrible, but you will manage it, the world regardless of how you probably feel has not ended. So take deep breaths.

I agree in principle category, but it also works pretty well for him - something he's no doubt thought about

Not that he'll probably accept his responsibilities even for the DCs if it comes to it; he sounds exactly the type who'll suddenly become self employed to hide his earnings

Sprry should have been moneysavingexpert and sites such as that can help, turn to us and other sites can also help to manage debt and are worth a call

Not really - OP is currently the higher earner and now intending to buy solo. Being married would mean she could be liable for debts he accrued and the house would become a marital asset. Far better for OP not to marry him, buy solo and ringfence her assets.

I think it was a silly move to pay his overdraft for him, but you know this, with the blushing face emoji.

You really didn't think it through at all, for one, he won't learn and will most likely start again on his overdraft. For another, he's chatting up another woman, so he knows he can play you with her, run up debt and you won't do a ting about it, actually you will, you will bail him out.

Then you say you don't know if you'll survive but you'll give it six months. What will happen if you do separate? You'll be out the 2G and shouldering all the bills. That's 2G you could have had to help you start over, but you've wasted it on him.

And allowing him not to contribute either? I'm sorry, you need to get your head in the real world, and don't listen to people who say you should stay as you won't find someone who will share childcare, because you may, or you may not, but that's not why you stay with someone.

He's completely deceitful to you, with your finances and with other women.

But, we have three children and a life together and I want to give it a chance for them if nothing else.

Please say the new house will just be in your name , though??!

The shared ownership houses are still being built so this is all at a very early stage - I don't even know prices yet. But I have made an application in my name only.

Oh god @RubyandMax I have some potentially bad news for you. There is this misconception that credit scores are linked automatically once you marry, but that’s not the case, they link when you get a joint account with someone. His debt may have effected your credit rating, you need to check and get him the hell off the joint account.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/joint-accounts#if-things-go-wrong

Look under the pros and cons section, it’s the first con.

Having debt is not necessarily a prerequisite to bad credit. Debt affects your credit score if you default on payments or owe more then you can feasibly pay. Likewise having debt does not make you illegible for a mortgage. The companies will consider how much deposit your paying and how much you want to borrow and at what rates and then look at your outgoings as a whole including debt repayments and compare to your income.
I really hate the idea that debt is the mother of all evils. It's not as long as you manage it well and are clever about it. If you feel it will cause huge problems, look at places like turn to us who can help you manage debt and set up payments in a manageable and feasible way.

Having debt is not necessarily a prerequisite to bad credit

Well of course, but I’m pretty sure @RubyandMax has already said that she knows he has had bad credit previously, so there is a chance he does now too. I don’t think suggesting OP check her credit, or letting her know that his credit score will be linked to hers, is over dramatic!