DP secret debt!

[RubyandMax]

Background: DP & I are unmarried, we've been together 12 years and have three children primary/preschool age.
We're both fairly low earners - DP is employed and earns about £20k and I have been self-employed for the last couple of years and am on track to make about £25k this year.
We rent a 3 bed house privately and would be unlikely to be able to be able to afford to buy a 3/4 bed house locally, though I have a Help to Buy ISA just in my name worth about £18k.
We have a joint bank account and personal accounts but (as far as I was aware!) all our money is joint/pooled.

So, getting to the point - I noticed recently DP had been secretive about banking on his phone. I pressed him about it and he admitted he had an overdraft on his personal account of about £1000. I was upset, but told him I had £1000 put aside for tax and we could use that to pay off the overdraft.

We are (I thought) pretty much debt free (a couple of hundred on store cards that we are quickly paying off) - this is important as some shared ownership houses are being built at the moment in our town and we should be in a very good position to buy one with a 50-75% share. This is the closest we have ever been to buying a house and it is something I have been working hard towards.

Anyway, so as we are discussing the overdraft I ask to look through DP's internet banking so we can work out why he has been overspending and look at a budget together. At this point he is forced to admit he actually has £8k debt! This is a huge, huge amount for us

I just feel so, so devastated, betrayed and lied to. I don't know where to go from here - whether I should try to help him fix it. Honestly I feel like just walking away at the moment and protecting my money and letting him sort it (or not) himself.

I'm just totally lost on how to move forward and would welcome any advice from people who have been here.

So he has now cost you nearly half the deposit you've saved, is that not also putting your house buying out of reach? I'd have thought that would be a bitter pill to swallow.

you've listed some cracking qualities with your partner who sounds as though he contributes positively in many ways towards your family life

Jesus, if it's one thing I've learned in life, it's that nothing ( nothing!!!) buys the right to lie. People can be charming, or supportive, or help out around the house, but lying "takes away" much much more than the other things " give".

Cue the next time he does it, and he says he was resentful because you controlled his spending, and he felt emasculated.

This whole texting another woman thing.... you seem to be doing your best to ignore it...?

Cuddlymunchkin, it's a good thing they're not married and she should say no if he did propose. Currently she can buy on her own and be able to keep it if they split up.

Op, when you do buy, make sure you speak to a solicitor about protecting your assets and his contributions to bills etc. You don't want him to be able to build up a claim against the property. I know it's harsh, but he's not exactly trustworthy.

Fool me once (the ow at work) shame on you. Fool me twice (this) shame on me.

He is taking you for a mug op. Sorry.

"I'm afraid I have paid off his over draft and have given him this month off contributing to the joint account so he can get on top of things"

You utter utter idiot. You should give yourself a real head wobble. Enabling like this only gives you a false sense of control and also does not help him or you. You continue to shield him from the consequences of his actions.

Nothing should detract from his lying and otherwise sneaking about behaviours, not just in a financial sense but with regards to these other women he has contacted too.

Is this really what you want to teach your kids about relationships; you are showing them it is ok for a woman to bail out their financially irresponsible partner (and a man at that who has and continues to have a wandering eye when it comes to women). He really did hit paydirt here with you didn't he?. Your relationship bar is really so very low here. That money has been taken from them and you for no good purpose at all.

His financial irresponsibility and ineptitude was never your responsibility.

You and he are not a union; you are still two separate individuals who are unrelated to each other and in law you will be treated as such. Oatabix's post illustrates perfectly the whole idea of the sunken costs fallacy, this is indeed how it causes good people like you
keep on making poor relationship decisions.

We all make mistakes and do stupid things. I think the OP has shown love and commitment to her DP and everything depends on what he does now. If he proactively sorts out a better paid job and better money management then it's all good. The OP has taken a high risk decision but where the potential outcome - long and happy life with a partner she loves and vv- is worth the risk.
The downside is, it's a high risk decision and might all go very badly for her.

Good luck OP and I admire your capacity for love and forgiveness.

He does not know what love and commitment is either. She may well love him but he has by both word and deed not shown the same level of commitment to her in return.

He also does not admire her capacity for love and forgiveness, he is taking her for an absolute mug. He can play OP like a violin and uses her own kindness against her. He's only had to say sorry and now she's paid off his overdraft.

Just wanted to post from the other perspective. I have just admitted to my husband that I racked up £12k of secret debt from overspending. This is due to a knock on effect from maternity/late payments as a freelancer and costs related to my career.

I love my husband dearly and he struggles with his job/mental health so every time I went to tell him I would panic that it would add to his already heavy burden and cause even bigger issues.

I tried to fix it and a lot of the actual debt is from interest rather than overspending itself. It was a stupid thing to do but - at least in my own head - I was trying to protect my family. Daft, I know.

It was starting to physically effect my health. All my hair fell out and I was having daily panic attacks. When I finally told him he took it well -better than I could have imagined - and saw that I had put a cast iron budget and repayment plan in place, analysed my spending etc.

His fil kindly lent me the money to consolidate half of the debt, stop the interest and I've set up standing orders and direct debits to snowball it to clear it now. Something I couldn't have done otherwise.

He offered to cash in shares/raid his personal savings but I insisted this was my issue and I need to fix it.

I doubt anybody wants to lie to their partner in these circumstances and I do think paying off the overdraft was a sensible option in this instance with changes coming to effect. It's only now that I'm sticking to a strict budget for things that I'm realising how much I just used to say "ok" to additional spends.

It'll obviously take time to get over the deceit and total and utterly honesty has to be the way forward. I've offered my banking log-ins to my husband and have said when everything is cleared I want to have a joint account that we can both see.

One of the major reasons I didn't tell him was I was terrified of him leaving me and the whole situation wasn't because of malice or attempting to be be sneaky etc.

What the plan if you two split up before he's paid it off?

@cheesenpickles

I think it's admirable of you to share your story and I'm really glad you're in a better place now.

BUT were you also having inappropriate conversations with another man to the extent that you and DP agreed you'd need to move jobs as you couldn't help yourself when it came to continuing those conversations?

Had you previously had secret debt that DP had already once been kind to you about and paid off on your behalf out of their own savings?

These two elements make a big difference between you and OP's DP I think. And you refused his offer to pay it from his own savings.

OP's partner sounds like he's shirking responsibility and being disloyal in a number of ways.

Ah, fair point. I missed that part.

The coworker thing would be a huge issue and is definitely not something I would do!

@cheesenpickles

Yeah I think those added details by OP mean it's a pattern of dishonesty and lack of consequences for letting OP down.

She sounds lovely and has done so well to save up that money so it makes me really sad she's having to use it to bail out someone who has disrespected her in a number of ways not just this one.

Glad you and DP managed to work things out

If he was genuinely sorry his actions would have shown it.

He would have had a plan formulated himself to clear the overdraft and loan, and to find work.

Instead he said sorry, gave you an emotional performance, and then let you do all the action for him.

Cheap. For him, anyway.

OP a lot of people on here are frustrated but please don’t let that stop you using this place for support.

I have the horrible feeling you’re going to need it.

Thanks @Dyrne I do understand how frustrating it is for people to feel they've told the OP what to do for the best and they haven't listened.

@cheesenpickles thanks for sharing - I think DP was also very stressed at carrying this secret around with him, for so long.

Just to clarify a couple of things - I have only paid off DP's overdraft and contributed his proportion of rent/bills money. It was about £2k and that was what I had in my business account.

I haven't touched my savings which is in a Help to Buy isa and can only be used for a house deposit.

DP still has his £8k loan to pay off himself. He so far hasn't missed a payment on it. He's not had secret debt before.
@YasssKween If we split before he pays it off, it has no effect on me.

Anyway, he's been doing job applications today. I've told him I still plan to buy a house for me and the children on my own if possible, and whether he will be moving with us or not isn't certain yet.

I can understand why you're doing what you're doing, and would probably have done the same in your shoes (a decade ago).

Please stick to buying on your own tho, and make sure you protect it legally (speak to a solicitor about what might give him a claim on it).

How are you going to pay your tax bill now?

It's ok, I have a year til I have to pay tax again.

I don't think it's frustration of you "not doing as you were told" but frustration at seeing someone act against their best interests because it felt too momentarily uncomfortable to do otherwise. Even though that choice will likely cause much longer lasting future discomfort.

It's not nice seeing people in difficult circumstances, least of all where it seems avoidable.

Don’t want to rain on your parade but be careful here. I paid off secret debt for an ex - I thought it was the right thing to do. I gave him a lump sum and paid all his bills for about a year so he could get on top of things.
He later proposed (after a long time of not proposing) - I was thrilled. We planned a wedding (mainly paid for by me and my parents). Ten days before the wedding he decided he’d never wanted to marry me! I was absolutely devastated and it took me a long time to get over that.
I was a mug OP - tread carefully.
Throughout all this going on he was never fully transparent with me on how much debt was there was or what he’d even spent the money on. We’d been paying our bills proportionally anyway (ie I paid the bulk) and his car/mobile phone was paid for by work. I also usually paid more for holidays. No idea what the best part of £20k went on!

This would be a deal breaker for me and I would walk away. I certainly wouldn't be buying a house with him.

It wouldn't be the debt that would make me leave (although that would certainly be a large part of it). It's the lying that would end it for me.

Normal people, as soon as they realise the insurance wouldn't cover the whole debt, would have said straight away and discussed what to do. And then everything that happened afterwards was preventable.
Normal people would have just said "we can't afford the holiday right now. Let's just have a staycation instead".
Normal people talk about things.

I think @Bobby makes a good point. My ex let me pay for a new bathroom without me knowing he was £20k in debt. Why not just say!

Just to clarify a couple of things - I have only paid off DP's overdraft and contributed his proportion of rent/bills money. It was about £2k and that was what I had in my business account. I haven't touched my savings which is in a Help to Buy isa and can only be used for a house deposit

But that essentially is savings OP - you set it aside from your hard earned profits to pay your tax bill.

It was allocated to something and now you will need to save the same amount again as your business account is £2k down because of this.

Sorry I didn't mean it to sound like I'm having a go at you if anything I feel defensive of you. I've taken the financial responsibility in relationships before and it's exhausting and unfair.

Just don't want you to think that because you had the money available it's no big deal you've paid off his overdraft. You only have that money available because you've been mature and responsible when he hasn't.

IME the other person does often get to use a cop out (even if it's true) of stress and pride but that doesn't negate the stress of the responsible person when they have to pay off a debt they didn't accumulate.

Hope you don't end up shouldering all the responsibility as I want you to be able to enjoy the benefits of you working hard and being sensible with money - you sound lovely

I am upset and angry about it all - about the lying and about having spend money that I had put aside for tax/time off/when work is quiet. I'd planned to shorten my hours this year and it's looking like that isn't possible now.

But, we've had a long and generally happy relationship together and three children who are happy and settled and have a good life, so I want to find a balance between supporting him and protecting myself. We certainly won't be getting married now.