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Original poster

DP secret debt!

114 replies

RubyandMax · 25/01/2020 11:26

Background: DP & I are unmarried, we've been together 12 years and have three children primary/preschool age.
We're both fairly low earners - DP is employed and earns about £20k and I have been self-employed for the last couple of years and am on track to make about £25k this year.
We rent a 3 bed house privately and would be unlikely to be able to be able to afford to buy a 3/4 bed house locally, though I have a Help to Buy ISA just in my name worth about £18k.
We have a joint bank account and personal accounts but (as far as I was aware!) all our money is joint/pooled.

So, getting to the point - I noticed recently DP had been secretive about banking on his phone. I pressed him about it and he admitted he had an overdraft on his personal account of about £1000. I was upset, but told him I had £1000 put aside for tax and we could use that to pay off the overdraft.

We are (I thought) pretty much debt free (a couple of hundred on store cards that we are quickly paying off) - this is important as some shared ownership houses are being built at the moment in our town and we should be in a very good position to buy one with a 50-75% share. This is the closest we have ever been to buying a house and it is something I have been working hard towards.

Anyway, so as we are discussing the overdraft I ask to look through DP's internet banking so we can work out why he has been overspending and look at a budget together. At this point he is forced to admit he actually has £8k debt! This is a huge, huge amount for us Sad

I just feel so, so devastated, betrayed and lied to. I don't know where to go from here - whether I should try to help him fix it. Honestly I feel like just walking away at the moment and protecting my money and letting him sort it (or not) himself.

I'm just totally lost on how to move forward and would welcome any advice from people who have been here.

OP posts:
Jollofyum · 25/01/2020 20:34

I have experienced very similar. I will be filing for divorce as soon as I can.
With my husband, the debt was higher. I decided to give him a chance to redeem himself by clearing the debt and taking actions such as having relationship and individual counselling. At the time I think I was in serious shock - his behaviour seemed so out of character.

None of those thins really happened. As we were embarking on our 3rd attempt at relationship counselling I discovered he was up to the same ticks again. I ended it.

It then came out that he hasn't really thought what he had done was that bad (which is why he hasn't even managed half hearted attempts to fix things). He now has no desire to repair our relationship because he thinks we are simply incompatible. I guess he is right there - I deserve better than a selfish, lying prick. But really, he couldn't handle the fact I was, (understandably) angry and resentful.

I don't regret taking he time to see if we could fix things. I now have absolutely no doubts about ending our relationship and will never be left wondering 'what if'. It gave me a chance to grieve the relationship before I had to deal with the practicalities of ending it. But, hindsight also tells me I should have booted him out straight away. The fact he was willing to let me 'help' him sort out the financial mess, etc was a big, neon, flashing red flag. There were others. I can also now see the smaller warning signs that were there long before.

I'd tell any other woman to get out straight away. That's what I'd have done, if we didn't have children together. All I did by staying was postpone the inevitable. Our children are a couple of years older, making it that much harder on them - particularly the eldest. A partner who has racked up that much debt and lied for that long, in several different ways about it isn't a man to be trusted again. The fact lying isn't unusual behaviour for him just confirms that.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

LunaDeet · 25/01/2020 20:44

It’s the lying and your trust in him that’s the real issue here now. You need a proper discussion where he puts all his cards on the table, no more secrets. But in all honesty, I wouldn’t be too worried about the debt. I’d take full control of the finances and he’d be on his last chance, but you can pay it off in a year if you work together. He needs to learn to live within his means or get a new job. Do you think you can get over this OP and continue to be happy with this man?

Original poster
RubyandMax · 25/01/2020 20:45

Thank you for all your replies, I've read and appreciated every one of them. I have definitely hardened my approach now, my first instinct was definitely just to 'fix' it for him/us as much as possible.

I have also filled out the application for shared ownership, just in my name, with my income and deposit, as a single person.

@ReturnofSaturn yes, he could get a better paying job. He's not super qualified/ambitious but definitely overqualified for what he is doing currently, but he's comfortable there (and has 'friends'!). I looked on the local council jobs page today and immediately spotted 4 or 5 jobs he's could apply for and would be around £5k more than his current salary.

One more question - should I get his name off the joint account and keep our finances completely separate now? He can still pay his share to me in that account.

OP posts:
PinkSmartiesOnly · 25/01/2020 20:55

Yes, seperate your finances. You need to protect yourself as much as possible and need to unlink from him financially.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 25/01/2020 21:20

It is very stressful when a partner won't manage their finances properly and lies about how much they owe and which bills have been paid and which need paying or urgently paying two weeks ago.

The blatant lying does not stop.They don't learn from their mistakes. They hide unpaid bills and final demands. They keep buying unnecessary shit.

carly2803 · 25/01/2020 21:38

separate your finances,immediately

buy a house on your own, in your name

do not pay off his debt - any of it. If you do he will just keep taking more and more out

seen this a million times OP, i dont believe he is a guy who would not lie about other things too, sorry.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 25/01/2020 21:55

I'd agree completely. Is anyone just dishonest about money but honest about everything else?

Original poster
RubyandMax · 25/01/2020 22:56

So we've had a big talk and the upshot is, he's very sorry. He's got several new jobs to apply for tomorrow and he's going to see about getting a weekend bar job.

I've checked his accounts and there's no gambling, drugs or fancy dinners for an OW. It's just overspending, just by a few hundred a month, for at least three years now.

I'm afraid I have paid off his over draft and have given him this month off contributing to the joint account so he can get on top of things Blush
The loan repayment is all his though.

I'm in two minds about taking him off the joint account though - on one hand I want to separate our finances, on the other I'd like to keep track of what he is spending Confused

Not sure if our relationship will survive this but I want to give it 6 months.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/01/2020 23:08

It's a bit of a false sense of security - he can open other accounts/get creditcards etc you don't know about. As long as your joint account isn't in overdraft you can take your name off it at any time.

Costacoffeeplease · 25/01/2020 23:08

Oh dear, why did you bale him out?

Good luck

Original poster
RubyandMax · 25/01/2020 23:23

Oh dear, why did you bale him out?
Because I love him, and believe he's sorry, and I want to help him I suppose. And I had the money.
I've told him if he wants a future together he needs to get a new job/second job and pay his loan off in the next year though.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/01/2020 23:29

Honestly I think this is doomed.

He's sniffing around other women and now you're going to be the bad guy forcing him to work a second job, bailing him out like mummy - it's just a mess and he won't be grateful, he'll resent you

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 25/01/2020 23:30

Echo what @category12 just said

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/01/2020 23:31

The best thing you can do is to walk him down to your local CAB on Monday morning and find out his options for repaying the debt.

Original poster
RubyandMax · 25/01/2020 23:33

Maybe Sad But, we have three children and a life together and I want to give it a chance for them if nothing else.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/01/2020 23:46

You’ve got 4 children now, taking on responsibility for sorting him out - a grown man, husband, father Confused

PinkSmartiesOnly · 25/01/2020 23:52

Wow... what an utter fool you have been.

Cant wait for your next post when you finally get bored of his bs Crown Biscuit

SevenStones · 26/01/2020 00:02

I can't believe you bailed him out, what an idiotic thing to do after all the good advice you've received. You do know you've now given him carte blanche to do the same thing all over again, this time hiding it better.

You could have given him a chance by not bailing him out and seeing if he bothered to earn more to pay everything back.

Crockof · 26/01/2020 00:07

How have you save £18k but he amassed 8k, do you expect more from him that he can afford

livelovelaugh30 · 26/01/2020 00:21

@rubyandmax - so sorry you're in this situation, but you sound amazing and you've done so well to amass that amount of money in ISA.

Just wanted to give some practical advice, if you do decide to stay with him - get him to apply for a 0% balance transfer (you can do this with overdrafts (it's called a 0% money transfer) AND other types of debt like credit cards or loans).

That way if you do make him responsible for paying off the debt (even with your help), it ensures that you're paying off the debt directly.

However I would recommend before applying, him doing a soft search on Experian to check he would qualify for it (for the sake of any future mortgage application).

AgentJohnson · 26/01/2020 02:51

Investing in someone who isn’t invested, is crazy.

‘I luuuurve him’ isn’t going to get you on the property ladder, safeguard your children’s finances or stop him from establishing inappropriate relationships.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 26/01/2020 02:59

You're mad.
Good luck.
You'll need it.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 26/01/2020 03:45

Controversial OP I know but I think you've done a good thing. It's so easy to kick someone out at the first sign of issues but you've listed some cracking qualities with your partner who sounds as though he contributes positively in many ways towards your family life. Albeit there are a few things that are worrying. He's made a big mistake but unless I'm reading it wrong he hasn't faltered on debt or actually got bad credit...yet?

I am of the opinion that for now you are a union. That means sometimes working together through the hard times and yes, even helping the other person out of trouble. Some people may well show them the door at the first sign but you have invested a lot in your relationship and you love him. So help him sort out his debt (with support as opposed to actual money), encourage him to trust you enough to tell you the hard stuff and make sure there are things in place to stop it happening again. That said it's important you protect your nest egg at the same time so I wouldn't be bailing him out completely. It's now though that you know that you can say no to some of the trips and more expensive things and give him a chance to show you he can fix this. We don't bail on our own families when the going gets tough so maybe we shouldn't be so quick to bail on our partners.

At the end of the day if the relationship fails it won't be because you didn't try and you will know you've tried to support him. It's great you have independence and savings anyway. Good luck whatever you decide.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/01/2020 03:47

Op I do understand where you are coming from.

Please look at sunk costs fallacy when moving forward.
There are lots of threads on here by women in similar positions. Sadly none of them end well.
In your shoes I think I’d keep a diary. Note what actions he takes to fix the mess he created but also how his actions make you feel. Then review it every 2 months. Use it to help decide your future
Wishing you all the best

cuddlymunchkin · 26/01/2020 06:30

Ah, you fool. He doesn't want to be with you. He wouldn't marry you before and he won't now either. He doesn't respect you and expected you to do just what you did - make it all better. Things will carry on the same as before. For him. You get the extra burden of monitoring his spending abd his wandering eye. You fool.