Told I am to blame for his suicide attempt

[Chilli21]

I was told by my ex that I was the reason for his suicide attempt. I think he’d had counselling that day and had been encouraged to be honest with everyone as a lot of his friends & work colleagues don’t know that he tried to kill himself last October. I am so hurt, angry, upset, ashamed & I just don’t know what to do with myself, it keeps going round in my head.

Last October he went missing for a day after we had a row. I realised after he’d gone for a couple of hours that he’d left his keys, car keys, wallet, phone etc. I was beside myself with worry & didn’t know what to do. He eventually returned soaking wet as it had been raining all day, he went and had a bath, put dry clothes on and then came and started having a go at me for not caring that he wanted to die. I said something like ‘don’t make me laugh, you’re not serious’ out of anger & then he proceeded to throw a lot of tablets on the floor & started to take them. I called an ambulance because he would not stop. Ex says that my response ‘don’t make me laugh’ pushed him over the edge as he was crying out for help.

I became really upset and angry with him when he told me this. I feel like a really crap person & am also really worried that whatever I have said this time will have made him try to kill himself again.

Does anyone have any words of advice for me? I feel so terrible.

Someone who actually wanted to kill themselves wouldn't do it in front of you as you would obviously stop them.

This was nothing more than a stunt designed to control you.

Sorry you're going through this stress but that is exactly what he wants. He's controlling your emotions and thoughts even now. Don't let him

I agree, it's all attention seeking controlling behaviour.

Repeat the saying "his circus, his monkeys"... you cannot control him or the actions he takes. You did not shove the pills down his throat, you didn't tell him to take them. You reacted in a way that many of us would. This isn't your problem, it is most definitely his.

Be kind to yourself

I would suggest cutting off contact with your ex, if possible.
I agree with PP that it's controlling behaviour, an attempt to manipulate you.
If he is in counselling I doubt they would have told him to say that, it's more likely they would be addressing his response to what you said, as that was the problem.

I think you are better off away from him, and if he thinks you're a cause of him being a danger to himself then he is better off away as well.

If he has/had depression, suicide thoughts are his own. You can't/couldn't tiptoe around him, guessing how he felt or controlling his actions.

He doesn't have the right to tell you this, even if in his head you triggered any thoughts of suicide.

As it is, pps are right that it seems manipulation than genuinely being suicidal. And if he is/was, blaming other people isn't going to help him. He'll always have someone to blame if he doesn't take responsibility for his own thoughts and actions.

He’s trying to manipulate and control you. He’s responsible for his own behaviour. He’s also a dick.

Common sense tells me this is manipulation but still doesn’t stop me feeling awful. I keep asking myself if I am such a terrible person?

I’d love to cut all contact but we had DCs. I’ve blocked his number & taken the landline out of the socket. He can contact me through the DCs though as they both have mobiles.but it will be more difficult.

Thanks all for your replies.

I've been suicidal. It wasn't anyone elses fault. It was to do with my own brain not processing things well. My husband went through a phase years after of examining what he could have done differently to help me. I said he did the best he could at the time with the knowledge he had. I wouldn't want anyone else feeling responsible for my illness. Because if I did that, I'd be a dick.

I keep asking myself if I am such a terrible person

The very fact that you ask yourself this to me is a strong indicator that you are NOT a terrible person.
Your ex is the only person responsible for his actions. He is trying to push the blame away from himself and onto you, as others have said, as a controlling technique.
Be prepared for him never accepting personal responsibility.

He's manipulating you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
His pathetic attempts to make you part of his problem are working at the moment. You need to stop having any contact with him.

How long has he been an “ex” are you having an on off relationship with him?
Yes to blocking him - how old are your children in that are they old enough to cope with the contact emotionally.
You did nothing wrong. He wants to hurt you. Ignore.

he is an an emotionally controlling manipulative wanker.

when people are genuinely suffering a mental health crisis where suicide is a real possibility, then no one is "at fault" - the crisis is due to chemical imbalances in the brain. blame is unhelpful.

in this case he is quite clearly not having a mental health crisis at all. he is using this as a tactic, cynically.

you are not responsible for his actions. do not feel guilty. get him out of your life.

You are not responsible for anyone else's mental health. Block, delete and ignore.

I don’t think that you are to blame for his actions and I’ll bet that you were the person in his life that tried to help him most.

Is it really a suicide attempt when he threw the tablets on the floor and started taking some in front of you?
That seems to mock people who are truly suicidal where their illness makes them believe the world is better off without them. They are not trying to get back at others and score points.

Whereas sounds like he was trying to punish you because you had not gone looking for him in the rain. Taking tablets in front of you - another punishment for you.

In this scenario I would message the therapist and explain you appreciate he might need the business but encouraging patients to emotionally abuse there ex and their children is not the way to go about it and you would appreciate it if he discouraged this type of bullshit

No. NO, and NO. I cannot repeat this enough. NOONE is responsible for anyone choosing to take their own life. It is a personal choice and we dont have control over anyone else's life choices- you cannot control what someone else chooses to eat so why on earth would you have control over this? Blaming others for suicide attempts is text book classic and straight up manipulation. Be VERY VERY wary of anyone who uses something as serious as suicide as a bargaining or manipulation tactic- they are 100% toxic.

You need to take the emotion out of this as thats why he's doing it- he is hoping for an emotional reaction. Stay completely calm, block when you can and if there's any mention of suicide again, tell him you will call the police and an ambulance immediately. Then follow though. If he isn't serious and keeps getting visits from the police for welfare checks he'll soon stop this nonsense.
You need to show him he won't get the desired reaction from his words. Stop letting him manipulate and control you. This has nothing whatsoever to do with you and everything to do with him.

You have no evidence that his therapist said anything other than what he told you.

This is a classic abuser tactic

I am so hurt, angry, upset, ashamed

By all means be hurt, angry and upset at his attention seeking controlling behaviour but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

His behaviour and taking the tablets like that in front of you shows clearly it was done for dramatic effect and wasnt genuine

Toughen up, op. He is an adult and makes his own choices. You do not have to shoulder any responsibility. Tell him to stop contacting you asap.

God what an attention seeking drama queen he is! He’s responsible for his own actions, he needs to grow up and accept that.

Cut him off OP, he’s bringing nothing good to your life, and I say this as someone with an ex who did the same thing.

It's not your fault
The reason you feel awful is because his manipulation techniques are designed to make you feel awful, and they work, you have to work against them by rationalizing all this and understanding why isn't your fault
it's very cruel of him to try and make it your fault
Obviously he has serious problems and he needs help and compassion that should come from a professional, it can't come from you because he's already tried to damage you and if you get involved he will just damage you further
You must protect yourself first and foremost

He wasn’t intending to kill himself though, was he? He was intending to punish you. If he’d wanted to kill himself he’d have had a bath, scoffed some well chosen drugs, told you he was so tired he was going to sleep in the spare room and died quietly in his sleep BEFORE you knew anything about it.

Don’t be ashamed, build strong walls and be happy.

You aren’t to blame - he is just trying to manipulate you and punish you. Have no more to do with him. Move on to better things