Told I am to blame for his suicide attempt

[Chilli21]

I was told by my ex that I was the reason for his suicide attempt. I think he’d had counselling that day and had been encouraged to be honest with everyone as a lot of his friends & work colleagues don’t know that he tried to kill himself last October. I am so hurt, angry, upset, ashamed & I just don’t know what to do with myself, it keeps going round in my head.

Last October he went missing for a day after we had a row. I realised after he’d gone for a couple of hours that he’d left his keys, car keys, wallet, phone etc. I was beside myself with worry & didn’t know what to do. He eventually returned soaking wet as it had been raining all day, he went and had a bath, put dry clothes on and then came and started having a go at me for not caring that he wanted to die. I said something like ‘don’t make me laugh, you’re not serious’ out of anger & then he proceeded to throw a lot of tablets on the floor & started to take them. I called an ambulance because he would not stop. Ex says that my response ‘don’t make me laugh’ pushed him over the edge as he was crying out for help.

I became really upset and angry with him when he told me this. I feel like a really crap person & am also really worried that whatever I have said this time will have made him try to kill himself again.

Does anyone have any words of advice for me? I feel so terrible.

Not your fault. His decision, his choice.

You only have what he says to go on with regards to his counsellor. I know how hard it is for someone to tell you someone like a therapist or counsellor has said something like that - but a counsellor is highly unlikely to advise anyone to tell anyone else it is their fault for attempting suicide.

Which, frankly he didn't exactly do, did he? He had a tantrum and made a massive drama out of quasi suicidal behaviour so he could manipulate you.

I know it's hard when someone tries to threaten you and manipulate you with these sorts of behaviours. All I can say is getting distance really helps, as much distance as possible. The crocodile tears stop having so much of an effect once you are out of the FOG of emotionally abusive behaviour.

Your ex needs alot more therapy to get to the actual root of managing his mental health as no one is to blame for his suicide attempt absolutely no one.
You are not and never were responsible for your ex in any way. His attempt sounds extremely dramatic and very manipulative especially to bring this up months later too to guilt you.
You called an ambulance which was the only and correct action.
In future the only response to any further accusations is to remind him that his. "therapist is the best person to help him through these thoughts"
Rinse and repeat

just keep blocking and not engaging, if he mentions his mental health you can still tell him in a kind way that he should get proper help, and then dont engage any further.

I don't think people with suicidal feelings should be called manipulative or dramatic. But neither do I think anyone else is responsible for their feelings of distress.

It's a difficult one. I would just try to see it as him making illogical claims due to illness. Try not to take it to heart, although I know that's hard.

Oh gosh that is really really hard, OP.

But please remember two things:
He is an adult and has to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings and actions

You didn’t cause whatever ails him, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
(The mantra of AlAnon but equally useful here).

I could also get quite angry on your behalf about the emotional blackmailing he’s subjecting you to.

He is emotionally blackmailing you. This was in no way a serious attempt at suicide, more an attention grabbing moment. If he is truly seeing a counsellor, they would have told him he is ultimately responsible for his own actions (Not quite as blunt as that) and no one else. Do not engage with him anymore, this is abusive behaviour.

but people who say they are suicidal when they aren’t should be called manipulative

Almost impossible to know the difference. And incredibly dangerous to try.

Your Ex is gaslighting you OP, disengage and block him.

No therapist would say that.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the film The Fight (written and directed by Jessica Hynes) but there’s an astonishing scene where the main character’s mother claims her daughter’s actions have made her suicidal, but it’s actually rage, not a desire to end her life - pure rage - and she moves to attack her seconds later.

(Anita Dobson, absolutely on fire in that role).

It was manipulation and rage that motivated that character. Your description of your ex’s behaviour brought it to mind.

It wasn’t your fault. How could you expressing momentary disbelief and confusion make someone want to die ? How could that be true? He may be in pain, but he discredits truly suicidal people by using those words as a tool against you.

Dig deep and know that he has a long way to go. You have zero responsibility here.

He behaves this way because he knows you'll feel bad. You are currently following his script.

As soon as you stop feeling bad when he wants you to, he'll stop trying to make you feel bad.

If you were a bad person and his suicide had been your goal, you wouldn't have posted. The feelings you express in your post wouldn't have even occurred to you.

I know this phrase is usually the other way round, but it's time to get ON your high horse.

You are currently following his script
this^^
you're playing the part that he has assigned you in the script that he is creating
write your own script...one where you get a GOOD part :)

but people who say they are suicidal when they aren’t should be called manipulative

Almost impossible to know the difference. And incredibly dangerous to try.

Except that the OP has a responsibility to your own health first. Trying to second guess if her ex is telling the truth (even though his actions point to abusive manipulation) isn't helpful. What is helpful is understanding that his actions aren't her responsibility.

her own

Him trying to take his own life is not your fault. It's his fault you're not the one with mental health he is. He's just trying to blame someone else as he can't deal with his own feelings and faults. X

You weren't.

Only one person makes the choice to suicide and that is the person themselves. You are not to blame

His actions are his choices and his responsibility

That wasn't a genuine suicide attempt imo. It was an angry and manipulative way of lashing out at you, and abusing you further. Sadly I've a lot of experience with suicide attempts and suicide, it's nothing like the event you describe.

He is abusive. You are not to blame in any shape of form whatsoever.

Please try and cut contact down to the absolute minimum and only about logistics e.g. re kids. Nothing else. Be kind to yourself x

I've just had another thought about this, OP.

In the nicest possible way, how much power do you actually think you have? Do you really think you can make a person attempt suicide without even trying? That would be A LOT of power.

You could say that to him, if he tries to make you feel to blame again. 'I didn't realise I had so much power over you' will take the wind right out of his sails.

Except that the OP has a responsibility to your own health first. Trying to second guess if her ex is telling the truth (even though his actions point to abusive manipulation) isn't helpful. What is helpful is understanding that his actions aren't her responsibility

I don't think you've read my post properly

@Thebluestocking, it's not really impossible to tell the difference in some cases. I ended up trapped in a relationship with my ex for 12 years because of suicide threats and attempts. It was even how the relationship started. Once he got me to agree to a relationship with him the suicide attempts/threats stopped completely, only reoccuring when I tried to leave and then eventually when I did leave.

I was kept trapped and stuck thinking he was my responsibility, but it finally sunk in for me, no one has that many failed suicide attempts, it was an attempt to control and manipulative, perhaps it didn't come from a consciously manipulative angle where he said "i'll say or do this to get her to stay", but that doesn't mean that it's not manipulation.

These men more often than not do not kill themselves, they threaten it, they make 'attempts' in front of their partners where they know they'll be stopped.

This needs to be spoken about and the conversation shouldn't be shut down. Yes there is a problem with suicide, but this is a hidden problem rarely spoken about when we hear about suicide helplines etc. on the news, but the people stuck in these relationships, dealing with the threats, who's helping them? No one!! They are made to feel like they need to treat the person with kid gloves, and more often than not when the relationship ends it's the other person who is left with all of the emotional damage, the 'suicidal' person goes on to be fine.

@user1481840227

I don't disagree with victims being given support. But having witnessed a successful suicide which was dismissed originally as attention seeking, I am loath in the extreme to encourage ignoring threats of suicide.