Told I am to blame for his suicide attempt

[Chilli21]

I was told by my ex that I was the reason for his suicide attempt. I think he’d had counselling that day and had been encouraged to be honest with everyone as a lot of his friends & work colleagues don’t know that he tried to kill himself last October. I am so hurt, angry, upset, ashamed & I just don’t know what to do with myself, it keeps going round in my head.

Last October he went missing for a day after we had a row. I realised after he’d gone for a couple of hours that he’d left his keys, car keys, wallet, phone etc. I was beside myself with worry & didn’t know what to do. He eventually returned soaking wet as it had been raining all day, he went and had a bath, put dry clothes on and then came and started having a go at me for not caring that he wanted to die. I said something like ‘don’t make me laugh, you’re not serious’ out of anger & then he proceeded to throw a lot of tablets on the floor & started to take them. I called an ambulance because he would not stop. Ex says that my response ‘don’t make me laugh’ pushed him over the edge as he was crying out for help.

I became really upset and angry with him when he told me this. I feel like a really crap person & am also really worried that whatever I have said this time will have made him try to kill himself again.

Does anyone have any words of advice for me? I feel so terrible.

Tell him to F off and move on with your life. Forget this loser!

@TheBlueStocking, I don't think people generally ignore those kind of threats fully, but they need to come to the point where they ignore them to the extent where they won't take responsibility for looking after the person.

If that person says they're suicidal, then the best thing to do is ring persons family or a medical professional.....so detach, detach, detach as much as possible for themselves. Take a matter of fact approach about it. Ok you're suicidal, I will have to phone your mother or doctor.

A lot of these guys say well if you do that then I will kill myself, but it's what needs to be done.

Did you start a thread about it at the time, OP? Apologies if not, I just seem to remember a very similar set of events on a thread a few months ago. Regardless of whether it was you, my advice is the same (as it was on the other thread). Only he is responsible for his actions. It's control tactics, plain & simple. People who are genuinely suicial do not do it in front of anyone if there is any hope that they would be rescued. Even a number of tablets, I seem to the remember he took them very slowly if you are the poster I'm thinking of? He's still being a manipulative arsehole. It's not your fault, he's responsible for his own choices.

Keep him blocked everywhere. If he keeps harassing you like this somehow, then report him to the police for harassment. He has nothing further to do with you. He is an ex for a reason. And he is a toxic creep to boot. Do whatever you need to to keep him out of your life.

If that person says they're suicidal, then the best thing to do is ring persons family or a medical professional.....so detach, detach, detach as much as possible for themselves. Take a matter of fact approach about it. Ok you're suicidal, I will have to phone your mother or doctor.

Yes, all suicide threats should be reported to the authorities, irrespective of whether you do or not have speculation on their seriousness. It's just not worth the consequences if you are wrong.

@Eckhart that line 'I didn't realise I had so much power over you' is interesting. I don’t want to talk to him again but will keep that in the back of my mind. Although, I can imagine him twisting it and say that he is weak and needs help.

He won’t accept what he did was cruel. I told him I didn’t think it was a genuine attempt but didn’t want to elaborate and put ideas in his head. That would make me worry even more!

@AwdBovril yes it was me. Your recollection is correct, he took the tablets slowly. We split. He hasn’t worked since. I don’t know why I allow him to have this power over me. I’ve asked why he keeps putting all this pressure on me, he feels I am tough and can deal with it (something to do with my tough childhood) whereas he needs
looking after.

I remember the previous thread too OP. Sorry, you sound lovely and it's shit this is still something cropping up.

I've come to realise that some people are so determined to be victims, they need to cast the role of perpetrators in their life.

My ex was like this. He could have done the worst things in the world (and ticked off a fair few of them) yet would find a way to make himself the victim and me be the unsympathetic, nasty one. Horrible of me to call him a cunt when he lamped me 🙄

It's really interesting you mentioned about the childhood. My ex played this card too. He said that I should be perfectly capable of dealing with difficult times because I had a really tough childhood. Whereas he hadn't had to cope with anything bad ever happening before so he didn't know how to cope...?! Even his that became him = good vs me = bad.

Anyway I'm rambling. Thank god he is out of your life, I'm so happy for you that you've got out

If it was me, I'd just alert the relevant authorities that he's still unstable, tell him (if you haven't already) that you can't see him any more, & block him, on every possible method he could use to contact you. If necessary change your numbers.

So sorry that you are still having to deal with this.

@YasssKween oh my goodness! I didn’t expect someone to mirror my conversation so well! I’m still trying to unravel this. Apparently I should be able to deal with everything because I have a really difficult childhood, whereas he should be dealt with sympathetically because he had a sheltered childhood and can’t dealt with any pressure??!!

Anyway, he’s still alive. My DD said that he text her earlier today. That is some relief! I don’t like to ask if their father has text them tho.....

The person I know best who successfully killed themselves - and it was 100% deliberate. Planned it meticulously.
He had a good time at work leading up to it. Then he booked himself 2 weeks holiday, but didn't tell his family. And he took steps to do it, without telling anyone. I think he did set something up so his body would be found.

People talking about killing themselves are either "crying out for help" at least subconsciously, or are being manipulative. In the case of your Ex I would suspect the latter.
I'm sorry you are going through this

Totally agree with @YasssKween. I remember this, the going to the woods, the attempt at slashing his wrists in front of my parents when I legged it out of fear. All desperate techniques, no doubt from a desperate person but of whom you cannot make better. Please don't feel guilty - I would hate to generalise but life experience has taught me that nobody who intends to do this broadcasts it in such a way. Get out while you can.

What he did to you was horrifically abusive, Chilli21.

You need to find your anger and let it protect you from him.

You also need to find out why you have taken so much responsibility for him and his equilibrium on your shoulders. You need to find out why you are so vulnerable to his manipulation that you sort of believe his poisonous words.

Have you ever been to counseling? Have you ever explored co-dependency?

Nah. His decision.

It's the ultimate controlling behaviour.

Does he know the numbers for crisis services/Samaritans etc? If he is struggling, they are the people to contact. What he is doing is intended to guilt trip you and is a common tactic in emotional abuse. Absolutely NOT your responsibility in any way.

So OP - basically he expects you to be able to cope with his crap because you've had a shit life but he's a snowflake (sorry but I can't think of a better word for it right now). Bollocks to that. You're not his mum or dad, & if that's genuinely his reasoning then he needs to be looking to his own family for support.