My needy mum who "helps"

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I'm looking for some perspective and advice in my relationship with my mum please.

DM and I have always had a strained relationship, i could never put my finger on it but I feel unable to be myself around her and she tends to take anything personally even if a normal conversation and not a criticism or even directed at her. She angers easily and sees things in black and white, often doesn't seem to sympathise and instead blames and sees faults in others. She also talks over me a lot and finishes my sentences (usually incorrectly).

I've recently had a baby and she decided to come and stay two nights a week to help. Didn't suggest or offer, but decided. I accepted this as i have an older child and could do with the help.

Unfortunately she has a minor disability that means she isn't able to climb stairs or walk very far. She declared pretty quickly all the things she can't do: pick up baby, change his nappy, walk around holding him, change his clothes so really all she can do is sit holding him for short periods. I end up housebound with her when she stays as she won't drive my car, can't walk anywhere and wants to be part of everything. I can't take dd to the park on foot, and baby screams in the car so that's tricky. She does laundry for me which is helpful, and will empty and stack a dishwasher it asked, and that's it.

I have said I'd like help with cooking and tidying, as well as shopping, but am told that she can't do that but in a weird jokey way like "oh your dh can cook!" or "you don't need to tidy that".

I end up having to meal plan for her stay, drive her to and from the station, wash her sheets and towels and provide all food and wine. If we need anything she never offers to pop out and get it, and will sit down and happily be cooked for by dh (who works long hours) or me.

Im not finding it helpful other than that she entertains my dd with games or db by chatting to him in his bouncer. I can't nip out to shop as she can't look after the baby between feeds.

I can't seem to talk to her directly when i need her to help, and when i do she seems a bit put out that i'm asking too much. She is also very quick to mention her needs without seeing its adding a burden on me, and doesn't seem to try and compromise or find a solution, just presents me with problems to solve.

I'd love it if she would cook for us when she comes, do a shop or even just plan a meal, let alone give the house a little tidy if she sees a mess.

It's making me stressed each week in advance of her arrival.

What is going on here? Am i expecting too much? What help is reasonable? Should I change the arrangement?

In short, dm comes to help with baby and dd, doesn't do much and asks for a lot. Am i expecting too much? What should I do?

Are you ill? I don't understand why you need so much help when you've only got two DC.

Your mum doesn't want to help - she wants you to fill a void in her life. How far away does she live? Could she come for one night every fortnight. You or your DH could make sure there's a meal in the freezer for that evening.

And walk to the park! Make your mum a cuppa and say "me and the baby are going to give you some peace to watch Philip&Holly/Loose Women." Then leg it to the park/Costa!

That would drive me insane. It wouldn't be worth it even if she cleaned the house from to bottom. Be straight with her. Tell her you're fine now and need to get back to your old routine. Let's meet for coffee in a couple of weeks.

Agree. Your mum is bored, not saying she doesn’t love you but I think she’s taking advantage.

My mum is 78, I’m 41, have a 3 year old. My mum is very, very arthritic and can’t do much. However she will tidy, she also buys wine/food when she comes over. She does her best...

Why do you have to stay in with her? Surely you can leave her a few hours? Could you stay with her a few days instead? What’s going to happen when you go back to work/ baby gets older? Can she drive? Can she shop? (My mum cant drive so my aunt does her food shop) if so, you are not being unreasonable. She’s basically on holiday when she stays with you!

Just tell her it's time for you to get into a proper routine. Thank her for the help so far but now it's important to manage yourself
Job done without offense

Angelina no i'm quite well. Dh works ridiculous hours and after a c section it was pretty hard to keep the house running and dd entertained/fed/washed while also tending to the newborn.

Things have definitely calmed down now and i've had a few days where I've needed to do it all myself without dh around so I think i might say once a fortnight is best, that's a great suggestion.

I also know that there's a lovely bond between dd and her grandma so don't want to break that.

I can't get out as the suggestion of it gets a response "but i can't do that" and i have to then explain its without her and she gets anxious or surprised i would want to do that. I start a mums and babies postnatal pilates class next week and will ask her to take care of the 4yo while i go. Should be interesting to see her response.

sadie she can drive and shop but doesn't like to drive our bigger car so just won't. She gets the train down as she prefers that. I think she does see it as a break from home as before xmas she brought her xmas cards to write while she was here, and has been known to take a nap on several occasions.

Just be kind to her and enjoy her company. Why should she have to "help" to be welcome in your house? I definitely don't treat my mam like that.

Two nights a week is a lot; once I’d recovered from my c section my mum would visit once a month for 3-4 days and actually genuinely help but even tho she helped I would have struggled with more often. It sounds like she actually creates more work for you than anything else.
I’d suggest she visits less because you need to get into a routine with your baby and toddler so that hopefully you can enjoy her company more when she’s there as it doesn’t sound like much will change in terms of her “help”.
TartanMarbled would you genuinely not expect a guest in your house to help when you’ve just had a baby and they’ve said they’re coming to help? Even before I had children the norm with my mum was that when I stayed with her I’d help cook or tidy up after dinner, pop to the shops etc and the same when she came to ours

I’m wondering what use she is, gosh that sounds unkind doesn’t it?! But honestly, reading yr post it does sound as if you are filling 2 days of each week for her. How long do you think she sees this arrangement continuing for? And you say you have always had a strained relationship, crickey this isn’t easy is it, perhaps suggest she comes 2 days every fortnight?

I am suspicious of bonds between DGPs and DGCs when there is not one with their own DD. Small DCs will form a bond with anyone who gives them a bit of attention. We like to think it's due them being family but it's often just another person in the house.
2 nights a week is too much.
But baby will in a year or less will be getting into everything, need lifted and carried and by then be quite heavy. If she doesn't build her strength for that then she is no use. You couldn't even leave her alone with baby to keep an eye on her if she can't lift her, unless baby was sleeping, so that's ho help.

Having her to stay with you 104 nights a year - more than 25% of the year - when you have a strained relationship is insane!

Tell her "thanks for all the help mum, you're such a treasure, but I'm recovered from my caesarean now so obviously I need to get used to looking after the two kids by myself like everyone else does now. We'd love to meet you [place mid way between you] once a week for lunch, and have you to stay just as a guest to spend time with the children once a month - or we could come to you, which would you prefer?"

Don't back down from the 2 nights per week arrangement being over; you'll resent her less without the pretence that she's helping.

I had something similar with my mother after dc2 was born - I didn't need or want help but she insisted and required more looking after than the newborn and toddler put together, and was also more demanding. She wouldn't drive either although she drives at home, and wanted me to drive her to a shopping centre to go clothes shopping for herself before I'd started driving again after my caesarean, and expected to be waited on and boss me around, telling me to "get on and do a deep clean while I'm here to hold the baby" and criticising the hearty casseroles and pasta bakes I put together because they could just be shoved in the oven and the toddler liked them and I was hungry from breastfeeding as "too heavy" and expecting me to shop every day and stand up putting together the "light bits" she wanted - two weeks after my caesarean with a toddler and breastfeeding getting established. Yet she didn't lift a finger, didn't even make me a cup of tea. She asked me when I'd be doing her washing after a few days.

"Accept all offers of help" is the most stupid piece of advice anyone ever gave me.

When dc3 was born I invited her to meet him and lied that DH was taking far more paternity leave than he actually was to cut out the insistence on coming to stay to "help" in heavily emphasised inverted commas.

Send her a big bunch of flowers to thank her for her help and tell her it's important you take it from here, and see her as a social grandparent visit. Officially draw a line under the help and accept no argument on that.

Ah my granny is like this. It’s like having another child to look after.

I just had to bite the bullet and say no we need personal time. She wasn’t happy but she got over it.

What MissSmith1 wrote.

Its not you, its your mother. Your mother does not have any sort of bond with you or probably anyone else for that matter. If you were to write as well she had no friends this would not surprise me either because such people really cannot do relationships at all. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her this way.

Its probably hard for you to have and maintain boundaries with your mother mainly because she has encouraged you not to have any. She has also conditioned you to put her own self first with your own needs dead last.

Would suggest that you further post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Change the current arrangement. If you at all maintain any sort of a relationship with your mother, your DD and other child will be harmed by it. You've been profoundly affected by her and are still struggling with your own fear, obligation and guilt (this is probably also why you agreed to her summons/demands in the first place). She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and is not much of a grandmother to your DD or DS now. She is not really engaging with her grandchildren much if at all and is using your place to nap in. That is not childcare in anyone's book.

"Is there any way i can improve this?"
No.

What does your husband think of his mother in law?.

God you poor thing! I was coming out in hives just reading your op!

I was expecting to be massively flamed so thank you all for your really really helpful advice. I need to grow some balls (ovaries?) and put a stop to this in a kind manner like pps have suggested.

We're due some visitors soon and that'll be a natural break, then I'll just say now that things are back to normal we'll be good without her kind help.

It's really hard. I'm a pretty confident person but really struggle with boundaries. Im ok being honest with df but it's hard when dm hears what she wants and doesn't seem to truly listen or want to understand.

Dh doesn't love the current arrangement but dutifully puts up with it, he's pretty brilliant but i need to do this for him as much as me.

It would be so much easier if there wasnt the promise of help.

Df came with her last time and did so much, took dd out, did some shopping, it made a huge difference and i guess made it clear that im not getting what i need out of the arrangement. We visit them often on weekends so i'm sure that'll be enough.

Thelongdarkteatime holy shit that sounds SO stressful. 😱

I can't get out as the suggestion of it gets a response "but i can't do that" and i have to then explain its without her and she gets anxious or surprised i would want to do that.

So, you are not going out and doing stuff for fear of her reaction! That is just crazy-she sounds incredibly needy.

Stop her coming-sounds like she’s using it as a little weekly mini break. It’s probably saving her a fortune in food and bills and means she doesn’t have to do any housework. She is actually behaving in quite a selfish way.

If your dad is helpful (why doesn’t he come any more?) I’d talk to him about it and explain how difficult she is making things for you.

Blimey. I couldn’t put up with this! Make it clear this arrangement is over. What is it with mothers! Mine is like this. Adds to stress rather than eases it. It’s all about her and her needs getting met. She never actually asks me what I need. I’m trying really hard not to be like this with my kids. It’s all about boundaries. Be honest with her. Say “you can’t stay two nights per week forever. Let’s go back to weekends please”

Is she is trying to move in by stealth OP? Is she thinking about further down the line when she needs more help and wouldn't it be so convenient for her to just live with you when after all, she helped you and moved in when you were in need? (I may have a relative that thinks and acts like this)

Get her a bunch of flowers, a thank you card and visit her with DH and the DC and thank her so much for the help, but you are getting back into your own routine now and don't want to put her out any more. Stand firm.

Maybe she could do something like crafts /playing with the older child while you get a break by going out with baby for a walk etc? It sounds tricky.

loopery you've hit the nail on the head there. Dm never asks what i need, just gives me a list of her needs instead!

I'd find this very annoying and would be driven mad by being trapped indoors with 2 young children. She definitely sounds like she is enjoying being waited on hand and foot and is adding to your workload. So would agree, stop it in a nice but decisive way.

The only thing we can control is our behaviour. If you change that, then it's amazing what else can change around you, eventually.

I think if it was me, I'd go about my day as I wanted. I'd start to plan more days out and just do it. Being in the house so much can be hard with small children, they're often much easier when out and about.
So I'd make sure I had plenty of snacks, tea, coffee etc in and that she knew where the TV remote was... And just do what I wanted. If it suited me to be in, fine, but I'd also take the children to the park, to library story time, nip to the shops, catch up with a friend.