My needy mum who "helps"

[RainbowSlide]

I'm looking for some perspective and advice in my relationship with my mum please.

DM and I have always had a strained relationship, i could never put my finger on it but I feel unable to be myself around her and she tends to take anything personally even if a normal conversation and not a criticism or even directed at her. She angers easily and sees things in black and white, often doesn't seem to sympathise and instead blames and sees faults in others. She also talks over me a lot and finishes my sentences (usually incorrectly).

I've recently had a baby and she decided to come and stay two nights a week to help. Didn't suggest or offer, but decided. I accepted this as i have an older child and could do with the help.

Unfortunately she has a minor disability that means she isn't able to climb stairs or walk very far. She declared pretty quickly all the things she can't do: pick up baby, change his nappy, walk around holding him, change his clothes so really all she can do is sit holding him for short periods. I end up housebound with her when she stays as she won't drive my car, can't walk anywhere and wants to be part of everything. I can't take dd to the park on foot, and baby screams in the car so that's tricky. She does laundry for me which is helpful, and will empty and stack a dishwasher it asked, and that's it.

I have said I'd like help with cooking and tidying, as well as shopping, but am told that she can't do that but in a weird jokey way like "oh your dh can cook!" or "you don't need to tidy that".

I end up having to meal plan for her stay, drive her to and from the station, wash her sheets and towels and provide all food and wine. If we need anything she never offers to pop out and get it, and will sit down and happily be cooked for by dh (who works long hours) or me.

Im not finding it helpful other than that she entertains my dd with games or db by chatting to him in his bouncer. I can't nip out to shop as she can't look after the baby between feeds.

I can't seem to talk to her directly when i need her to help, and when i do she seems a bit put out that i'm asking too much. She is also very quick to mention her needs without seeing its adding a burden on me, and doesn't seem to try and compromise or find a solution, just presents me with problems to solve.

I'd love it if she would cook for us when she comes, do a shop or even just plan a meal, let alone give the house a little tidy if she sees a mess.

It's making me stressed each week in advance of her arrival.

What is going on here? Am i expecting too much? What help is reasonable? Should I change the arrangement?

How does your DH feel about this? I just can’t believe anyone would want their PITA MIL coming over to stay two days a week!

Oh my gosh op, your Mum sounds the double of mine. On the rare occasions she has 'came to help' she has created more work for me. I find myself running around making her cups of tea. She will bring her knitting to do at mine as blatantly isnt planning on getting up from the sofa! She does bring her own lunch with her sometimes at least but doesnt think to bring anything for me not even in recent weeks after birth when she knows I am running around with toddler and newborn
She will literally pass the shops and wont even pick me up a cheap sandwich!
Last week she left her bags in middle of floor and I almost tripped over them when running around after dc while she was eating 'her' lunch.

Oh and yes the illnesses, my dm will always have some sort of ailment when ever she thinks she will be expected to do anything other than sit and talk. She is always fine when has nights out with her friends and fiancee though and days out etc.

'Oh and for anyone in any doubt, ladies like this will say things like

I didn’t get any help in my day

They see visiting you as a relaxing break and a chance to faff about cooing over DC. They have no interest in your or your well-being only what they get from grandma time.'

This exactly ⬆️

Also I think some see it as a photo opportunity to show their friends their adorable gc and make out they are such an integral support system! If only their aquaintenaces knew the truth

Oh OP, I really feel for you, although it sounds as though you have your eyes wide open as to what is going on.

I was you 25 years ago, with a newborn and mother wanting to come and help - almost identical issues with expecting to be waited on, offering to help but only on her terms (various illnesses and injuries suddenly preventing doing anything she didn’t fancy). It was the last time I ever asked her for any help.

Fast forward those 25 years and my father has just gone into a nursing home - I have organised every last detail, while she complains about all there is to do. On the odd day I can’t get in to see him (my own family and work need to have some of my attention sometimes!) she will tell people she is helping me out by covering me - that is, going to see her own husband of 50+ years, who is still his lovely self, just very frail.

Your DH sounds as supportive as mine has always been but if, like mine, he has a ‘normal’ maternal relationship it might take him time to realise she won’t change - which you do know.

Put yourself and your own wee family first. I wish I’d had Mumsnet all that time ago - I might have managed to get out of the FOG more easily!

This type of person your mum is someone who treats people as objects to manage their feelings. There is also a defense mechanism called 'reversal' where a person is ashamed of their own feelings of vulnerability and their own need to be cared for. They 'reverse' the need and turn into someone else's need.
They cannot express vulnerability so you get them listing their symptoms and their own needs at you instead. Then they are confused and resentful when they are expected to actually help. Because their offer of help was not genuine, it arose as a defense to stop difficult feelings.
Your mother is also not seeing herself as a 'separate' adult in your household. In her unconscious mind she has taken the position of being a sibling or another child of yours needing care. Thats why there is the 'sibling rivalry' between her and your DH, when you ask her to do something you get back 'that's not fair, why can't HE do it!'.
A part of her is stuck and confused in the 'family glue'.
Therefore talk to both the adult and child part of her. First part of sentence, reaasure the child 'you know I love and appreciate you' then talk to the adult 'however I need to have more time to myself here in my own house'...or whatever suits. There is zero point turning it about her eg. 'it's too stressful for you for here'..you have to state your own separate need clearly.
No.matter what you do she may find this differentiation of her separateness as a slap in the face, but she is an adult too.

I feel so sorry for you, I literally could never cope with that. I’d have to put an end to it ASAP.

We spoke to our DM about bringing food and drink to family gatherings. She would turn up to them all empty handed then stuff her face with the food everyone else brought (triple helpings). She then would scout around for leftovers to take home. One Xmas I had driven about 200 miles with a car full of everyone’s bags and kids and she was put out that I forgot to give her the bag of leftover food she had accumulated before she left.

She has a very fussy diet apparently so has now just started bringing over a very small amount of food she likes, eats that and everything else and then still takes home leftovers. To the last gathering she brought a zip lock bag of 6 shortbread biscuits 😂

Oh and she’s always ill. She will equally scout around for all of our illnesses so she can also have them too. Even when she hasn’t seen us for a couple of weeks she has also caught whatever virus the DC have.

Im so sorry to hear this, you shouldn’t have to be coping with this extra stress. You want to be enjoying your DC’s and managing your own life, not feeling oppressed by a visitor to your home.

Read the Out of The FOG website as it might ring some bells with you. (FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt.)

I’m guessing she goes home and tells all her neighbours how much she helps you and they tell her how terrific she is.

Don’t be afraid to make some changes, I bet your DH would be grateful and your DF would completely understand.

Congrats on the new baby!💐

If it helps OP my Dsis and I deal with this by detachment and humour. We can literally predict all the bloody stupid things she will say and do so it’s not a massive shock when it happens. Mums like this are parental CF’s!

You are having a very tough time. I've had toddlers and a caesarean, and it isn't easy at first at all.

It seems as though you struggle to move beyond her feelings of surprise and anxiety if you suggest doing what do want/meeting your needs rather than hers.

That isn't usual and I agree you are conditioned to meet her needs over your own. I agree you really have to find the words to say what you want and to make it happen. She may not like it, but so what? She isn't the delicate flower that she presents herself as, and actually she is quite ruthless, even though she may not be aware of it herself.

Be brave and state what you want and need. What better example for your DD , who will he starting to pick up clues about how she should behave from you.

She needs to go - all the moreso if she's ill! Tell her thanks for all the 'help' etc, but you're fine now and will stick to the weekend visits going forwards. Simple.

Still catching up on the replies but just wanted to add that im in australia so it was 3pm here i think when i last updated, not 4am! That would have been extra crazy..

@RainbowSlide

I imagine Corona virus has been mentioned at least 3 times to you today?

I like your idea of 'the natural break' that you have coming up.
I wonder if you can book her a taxi to go to the station, as she is ill and can't be around your dc.
Hopefully she has gone home now.
Have you talked to your DF about her? He knows her best and might say what you can't?

Willow did op mention a DF?

I'm guessing her own mother didn't visit for 2 nights every week when she was a new mum? Just tell her this arrangement isn't working for you as a family anymore. That's it. If she kicks off just say that she didn't have a weekly house guest when she was a new mum because I'd bet neither she nor her husband would have stood for it.

Your Mum is obviously not planning on changing her behaviour, so you need to change your expectations and stop this arrangement. Two days a week is far too much. Tell her that you are managing fine without her help now and this can now stop. Invite her instead for two days a month. She can spend time with her grandchildren then. When she comes, she will be there as a guest and not as help, which will annoy you less as you aren't expecting anything more.

What??? Who on earth has their mother come and stay 2 days every week? Your poor husband.
Put a stop to it. Just tell her you want your privacy like a normal family.

Yeah it's madness, I know! It's going to stop after this week i think. I do have a df, they aren't getting on so well at thur moment so i do think she sees it as a break.

And no, her mum didn't do the same but she died when my dm was under 2 sadly. I think that's where a lot of our relationship issues stem from though as she doesn't really have a model for how to be (or not be) a mum.

Dh doesn't mind much as he works late the days she's here so hardly sees her.

Thanks all for your posts, makes me realise it's definitely too much.

I think we at some point have to accept our parents are who they are (and it really helps to know why they are who they are), they aren't going to change, and all we can do is change how we react to them.

Yeah it's madness, I know! It's going to stop after this week i think

What are you going to say?

fedup21 so ive been a big fat coward about it. The weather here is shocking, loads of flooding, so she won't come this week as the roads are dangerous and there are landslides on the train tracks. In my head this will give me the opportunity to test out doing it without her, so i can say to her thank you for everything but it wasn't too bad, no need to come to help anymore. Then we can do visits instead, no expectations then. Fingers crossed that works.

I feel your pain. I had an op and my dm came to help for two weeks, going home at the weekend to check on df. The first week, she was fairly helpful. The second week, I didn’t actually need her at all (recovered from op better than expected), and on the last day said how lovely it was not to have to cook meals for a change etc.

Err , I thought she was there to help me, not vice versa.

Using the visitors as a natural break is a good excuse. If she kicks up a fuss, maybe schedule a visit once a month, instead of weekly.

Actually, just read you visit them at weekends as well, so no need for stays at all.