I'm looking for some perspective and advice in my relationship with my mum please.
DM and I have always had a strained relationship, i could never put my finger on it but I feel unable to be myself around her and she tends to take anything personally even if a normal conversation and not a criticism or even directed at her. She angers easily and sees things in black and white, often doesn't seem to sympathise and instead blames and sees faults in others. She also talks over me a lot and finishes my sentences (usually incorrectly).
I've recently had a baby and she decided to come and stay two nights a week to help. Didn't suggest or offer, but decided. I accepted this as i have an older child and could do with the help.
Unfortunately she has a minor disability that means she isn't able to climb stairs or walk very far. She declared pretty quickly all the things she can't do: pick up baby, change his nappy, walk around holding him, change his clothes so really all she can do is sit holding him for short periods. I end up housebound with her when she stays as she won't drive my car, can't walk anywhere and wants to be part of everything. I can't take dd to the park on foot, and baby screams in the car so that's tricky. She does laundry for me which is helpful, and will empty and stack a dishwasher it asked, and that's it.
I have said I'd like help with cooking and tidying, as well as shopping, but am told that she can't do that but in a weird jokey way like "oh your dh can cook!" or "you don't need to tidy that".
I end up having to meal plan for her stay, drive her to and from the station, wash her sheets and towels and provide all food and wine. If we need anything she never offers to pop out and get it, and will sit down and happily be cooked for by dh (who works long hours) or me.
Im not finding it helpful other than that she entertains my dd with games or db by chatting to him in his bouncer. I can't nip out to shop as she can't look after the baby between feeds.
I can't seem to talk to her directly when i need her to help, and when i do she seems a bit put out that i'm asking too much. She is also very quick to mention her needs without seeing its adding a burden on me, and doesn't seem to try and compromise or find a solution, just presents me with problems to solve.
I'd love it if she would cook for us when she comes, do a shop or even just plan a meal, let alone give the house a little tidy if she sees a mess.
It's making me stressed each week in advance of her arrival.
What is going on here? Am i expecting too much? What help is reasonable? Should I change the arrangement?