My needy mum who "helps"

[RainbowSlide]

I'm looking for some perspective and advice in my relationship with my mum please.

DM and I have always had a strained relationship, i could never put my finger on it but I feel unable to be myself around her and she tends to take anything personally even if a normal conversation and not a criticism or even directed at her. She angers easily and sees things in black and white, often doesn't seem to sympathise and instead blames and sees faults in others. She also talks over me a lot and finishes my sentences (usually incorrectly).

I've recently had a baby and she decided to come and stay two nights a week to help. Didn't suggest or offer, but decided. I accepted this as i have an older child and could do with the help.

Unfortunately she has a minor disability that means she isn't able to climb stairs or walk very far. She declared pretty quickly all the things she can't do: pick up baby, change his nappy, walk around holding him, change his clothes so really all she can do is sit holding him for short periods. I end up housebound with her when she stays as she won't drive my car, can't walk anywhere and wants to be part of everything. I can't take dd to the park on foot, and baby screams in the car so that's tricky. She does laundry for me which is helpful, and will empty and stack a dishwasher it asked, and that's it.

I have said I'd like help with cooking and tidying, as well as shopping, but am told that she can't do that but in a weird jokey way like "oh your dh can cook!" or "you don't need to tidy that".

I end up having to meal plan for her stay, drive her to and from the station, wash her sheets and towels and provide all food and wine. If we need anything she never offers to pop out and get it, and will sit down and happily be cooked for by dh (who works long hours) or me.

Im not finding it helpful other than that she entertains my dd with games or db by chatting to him in his bouncer. I can't nip out to shop as she can't look after the baby between feeds.

I can't seem to talk to her directly when i need her to help, and when i do she seems a bit put out that i'm asking too much. She is also very quick to mention her needs without seeing its adding a burden on me, and doesn't seem to try and compromise or find a solution, just presents me with problems to solve.

I'd love it if she would cook for us when she comes, do a shop or even just plan a meal, let alone give the house a little tidy if she sees a mess.

It's making me stressed each week in advance of her arrival.

What is going on here? Am i expecting too much? What help is reasonable? Should I change the arrangement?

Plenty of good advice here. She’ll get over it.

Short-term, for her visit this week, arrange a play-date/coffee/whatever and go off for a couple of hours. It will start the transition.

Update. It's getting worse. Dh has been working from home and she keeps suggesting he can help with the baby. I keep telling her he's working but she doesn't get it. So im doing everything anyway, it won't make much difference when she stops coming round.

I came down this morning after two nights of hourly wake ups with poorly db saying i felt like death (i had such a bad headache and nausea i could hardly stand up, think it's a virus as this isn't normal), and she replied "join the club", which shut me down nicely. I went back to bed but she couldn't look after baby as she's not feeling up to it, so dh had to start work later. It's so bad.

She's currently watching tv. 🙄

Watching tv at this time in someone else's house?

I think she needs to go, tell her you're not well and you have friends staying soon. Hope you feel better soon.

Why don’t you just tell her to leave? Or if you really have no backbone get your DH to do it!
What are you afraid of?

Rainbow, you sound like an absolute angel. Having recently had a c/section myself - mum of two - and a DM who wants to ‘help’ but is actually more like a 3rd child - I empathise completely. I also find it hard, as I don’t want to insult my mum - and she adores her grandchildren. Could she stay in separate accommodation nearby? Otherwise say you’ll visit her whenever she suggests visiting you! There’s an episode in Motherland - first series - where the grandparents come to ‘help’. It’s very, very funny xx

My DH works 14 hour days , 7 days a week. I had an EMCS and my family live a good drive away. My mum would come up once a week and help me with laundry, put the hoover around. It was an absolute god send.

You need to be honest with your mum, she is causing you more stress than relieving it so it's best she comes over for the day, rather than stay for 2 nights at a time.

Have you considered online food shopping? This is what I did when I first had my DS and it was a huge help, the delivery drivers are always very helpful and bring the shopping in for me.

When you are cooking tea, cook an extra portion to freeze. That way you get 2 nights worth of meals for one stint of cooking. I always do this with Chille, cottage pie, lasagne and Bolognese.

It's important now that you establish your own routine and that's how you could put it to your mum.

Oh and totally with you on the "join the club" comment.

It is practically a rite of passage to have to stand up to your parents or in-laws at some point after you have babies, your time has come. You can do it!

What kind of arrangement with your mother would feel comfortable to you? Any situation where you think you will feel resentful and put upon is not going to work for you, simple as that.

Whatever does suit you is what is best for your family. Everyone has a limit and it takes a lot of energy to raise children so you need to look after yourself for your own enjoyment of life and for your family.

Tell her that she isn't helping you, she's actually causing you more work and she should go home

Why aren't you standing up for yourself? When she's gone tell her this arrangement isn't working and you no longer need her to stay, it's that simple.

She is being rather thoughtless and rather idle, it sounds like she is using those 2 days as a bit of a holiday / chill out time. Not sure why she is framing it as "helping", she sounds more of a hindrance to be fair. You need to nip this in the bud. She sounds way too demanding

PS she also needs to keep her nose out of the way you do things and what your DH is doing. If she is that unwell why is watching TV at 4am? When l am very unwell l find it too hard to watch TV

After our dc's were born both me and one of my best friends discovered shit help is worse than no help. OP she isn't helping up to you if you have the time & inclination to give your mum these little trips or not. I don't take my mum on holiday (to help me as am a LP) because frankly I need a holiday myself not to wear myself out running around after someone else x

OP we have the same mother I am sure! I don’t think you are my sister though

I avoid my DM unless it’s more of a special occasion, I rarely invite her over and we never take her on any day outings as she will complain about having to walk

I have no expectations of any help from her with anything at all - even on my own birthday she wouldn’t help me do anything, never at Christmas. Just sit on the sofa and wait

You need to limit your expectations of her - she’s not going to change, so you can’t suddenly hope she will. I totally understand that you will resent her

I also never make DM a drink I never offer her food either. She never offers me anything if I visit and I basically just allow her to sit on the sofa for a few hours then I tell her I am busy and need to go out. I can tell she’s annoyed now I don’t ever make her a hot drink but I don’t even drink them so I have no reason to. So eventually after huffing and puffing for an hour she will go make her own drink

Oh and for anyone in any doubt, ladies like this will say things like

I didn’t get any help in my day

They see visiting you as a relaxing break and a chance to faff about cooing over DC. They have no interest in your or your well-being only what they get from grandma time.

Good morning OP

Sorry you're feeling rubbish.

This from a PP really sums it up:
She wants you to fill a void in her life.

Also, I really relate to you saying you struggle with boundaries.

I've learned so much about myself and relationships via MN, when (if!) you get a second you should read up on dependency. You're not alone.

Take care

Just tell her to go-what are you afraid of?

Do you want this situation to carry on for the next 20 years just because you’re being too spineless to say anything?!

You’re ill. When you’re ill, you don’t need needy houseguests. You don’t need needy houseguests ever!!

So she has a husband at home? Perhaps all is not well there and they want a break from each other. Either way 2 nights a week is excessive and not helpful especially if she’s just adding to the load.

Time for dh to take charge imo.
He can suggest she goes home today so you and her can recover in your own beds. Stand over her while she packs.
Send her flowers thanking her for her 'help' since dc2 arrived but that you and dh have it covered now..

Wow some harsh responses here. @AngelinaGrimke I have a newborn and a toddler, didn’t have c section but am still struggling with sleep deprivation and helping oldest adjust to sharing mum and breastfeeding newborn.
I’m very grateful of any help offered with housework/childcare!
Op it sounds very tough for you.
My mum’s mum was a bit like you describe. My mum and my aunties had to put boundaries round her visits all through my childhood. Actually my mum didn’t stand up to her as much as my aunties and I kind of wish she had more, she would stay with us to suit her and come on holiday with us and it would be difficult, also I would not like her being critical of my mum who would sometimes get stressed by it.
My dm is disabled but has been so helpful to me atm just by cuddling the baby so I could nap/see to the older one, making some snacks/drinks for us and helping me cook, even though it’s food that she doesn’t really eat (casseroles and pasta bakes that dd and dh like!)
And she’s just been a friendly and supportive presence.
I’m sorry you’ve not had the same kindness from your dm and for you and your kids/dh sake i’d limit contact to weekend daytime visits from now on.
If your experience is similar to mine, your kids are not really missing out on a supportive grandma relationship as she only wants to do things with them on her terms and they will realise this as they get older.

I think many older women "forget" how tiring having a baby can be! They see themselves as being helpful when they are anything but! I would say how much you liked having her (crossed fingers )! but need to get into your own routine now .Could she stay for a couple of nights say once a month or so?

I think you just need to tell her that you and DH need your space back and to settle as a family of 4.

You see them most weekends anyway!!!!

If she is ill why on earth is she watching TV in the early hours ? I think she is being an attention seeker ! "Join The Club !" when you have been ill and up in the night with DB is completely unacceptable .!

I had a similar issues after having DD with both DM and PIL claiming to 'help' which involved shaming me, setting up tasks where I needed to do 90% of it but they could claim to have 'helped', telling me how much harder they had it and having me host them. I bad a traumatic birth, c section, nearly lost baby, PNA and PND. My therapist was spot on when she said I was parenting allot of adults and expected to play my part but ultimately if help isnt helpful then it isnt really help. Stop this arrangement and get out and do what you want with your children. Get a cleaner or some hello fresh boxes instead. This is serving her need to appear to help more than it is actually helpful to you.

The "join the club" comment made me snort. Do we have the same "D" M?