EA partner's reaction to split

[MymbleClement]

That really. It was not what I was expecting after years of threats to 'go for 100% custody' etc. He's realised I am serious and has broken down, says he can change 'easily' and wanting physical affection after at least five years of withholding it from me.

I feel incredibly guilty. I've never seen him properly cry in 15 years together. But he's promising the earth and being 'nice' and I've actually never felt so smothered in my life.

Just wondered how other EA partners reacted and how you dealt with it.

He's saying all the right things now but in a few months he will be back to being a twat. Carry on with the split will be the best thing you will ever do. You will find he will be nice as pie at first and once you don't budge the anger will resurface with the same old threats.

Hes a liar and is using tears and more lies to manipulate you into allowing him to keep having his cake and eating it

Thank you both. That's what I thought but I needed to hear it from someone else. If anything I'm more annoyed - if it's that easy to give affection and refrain from calling your wife a stupid cow why not do it sooner?

I carried on regardless. Emotional blackmail was one of the main tools in his box and I am very glad I stopped falling for it.

Totally standard behaviour when the abuser realises you’re on your way out. If it doesn’t work, he’ll re-find his anger pretty soon. Be careful.

It's just another tactic. He's working through his box of tricks to see which will keep control of you. When this one doesn't work he'll try a different one.

And why not do it sooner? Because this relationship isn't about love for him, it's about having power and control over you. He got everything he wanted from it.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

If you haven't already, have a look at the Freedom Programme.

He will turn it on like a tap. Be warned x

Stay strong, this is just another way of manipulating you.

Nope, don't feel guilty. His previous tricks to keep you have stopped working and you've decided to leave. So now he's whipping out new tricks. Based on the hundreds of threads like this I've read over the years, I'd say you can expect one or more of the following still to come:

1. Endless love, care and attention to "prove" how good he is.
2. Suicide threats
3. Big discussions about how he has struggled because of his bad parents/terrible schooling/mental health/some-other-excuse. Possibly combined with promises to sort out these underlying issues [spoiler alert - he won't. At BEST, he might book a GP appointment then come home with some story about how he's on a 10 year waiting list for therapy or he can't take the drugs because of allergies/work/how it makes him feel].
4. (this one will be a bit later): super anger, aggression, threats etc. This is likely to be combined with calling you names, telling others how awful you are and hove you've ruined his life/taken his kids/fleeced him of all his money.

Sorry OP. But well done for saying enough is enough.

Blingloving I've had 1 and 2 in the last couple of days.

All I can hear when he's promising all this is a complete lack of acknowledgement of my feelings. I've told him I don't love him anymore and it's like he doesn't hear me. He just says the same thing over and over - why won't I give him a chance etc.etc. when I've already said I've given him at least six years worth of chances that he never took. Culminating last night in him sobbing and saying he wasn't well, to the point I had to tell him to stop in case the children woke up because they would be scared if they heard him.

user3575796673 I will. That video is chilling.

He might threaten suicide next. Don’t be fooled. People who are intent on harming themselves do not broadcast it like that. It’s another tool of manipulation. He might also try to guilt you through the children (Ie won’t you please think of the children!!) - but they will be so much more harmed by learning about shit relationships through yours staying together, instead of learning that this abusiveness will not be tolerated - not tolerating abuse is a great lesson for girls and boys.

Stay strong - you and your children deserve peace, happiness and development x

Please be very careful. If he can't get his own way he may turn to other means to make you give him another chance.

@mynbleClement - so actually, that's 1, 2 and 3 on my list (3 being excusing is behaviour as not being well.....).

On plus side, he's such a classic case that even complete strangers on the internet who haven't experienced it personally can see the pattern emerging. Just keep telling him. Also, are you/has he moved out? The sooner you're not under the same roof the better I'd think.

Don’t fall for it. He’s an abuser. Nicey nicey to keep you. Then once you change yr mind, it’ll be back to business as usual.
Go for your own peace of mind.
You don’t owe him anything.

Can only agree with everyone else, stay focused and strong OP

You CAN do this, you deserve a better life 💐

They thrive on the emotional roller-coaster of it all, stirring the pot when things are going too smoothly because they want to be the star in their little self-made drama. The great make-up is their emotional pay off. They test you to see how much they can hurt you - how far they can push you away before reeling you back in. It's a game to them. They consider themselves Player One. It's time for Player Two (you) to exit the game.

So if he can change “easily” that is basically an admission that he could have changed previously and has been treating you that way on purpose.

All the more reason to leave, not a reason to stay!

What all the others have said OP. Mine went through all the steps above and some. He’s still the nasty vindictive bastard he always was, even 6 years after I left. He lives half a mile away and he doesn’t even speak to his DS.

Ignore all his tantrumming and get yourself and the DC away.Any legal stuff you need to do needs to be done through a solicitor otherwise he’ll lead you a merry dance.

They don't like it when the rug gets pulled out from under them "what do you mean you won't put up with my shit anymore" The tears are them realising that their target is removing themselves
They cry because they were so comfortable getting to treat another person the way they did. It was so easy for them to be abusive and not have to do anything to change it. He still won't want to change really he will just cry to get you to give in and return to the status quo. If he was truly sorry and wanting to change he'd actually let you go realising that you deserved better than the crap he dished out. Basically he'd be ashamed of himself. But no they cry like you've taken a toddlers toy away because it's broken.
My ex could go from tears, begging pleading, guilt to anger and threats in a few short sentences : he was so skilled at the crocodile tears.

Teeny that's exactly what I thought.

Bling he is still in the house at the moment. It's only been a few days. I am not leaving because I want the children to have some consistency (and also I plan to argue to stay in the house). His earnings are about 3 x mine so he shouldn't have difficulty finding something. He has no family - mother died when he was a child and his (alcoholic abusive) father died a few years ago. They were estranged anyway and the rest of his family aren't local to us.

The threats will return
They’ve just paused as he tries a new tactic

Yes, mine could go from crying and promising the earth to screaming obscenities in my face in a matter of seconds too. He also became violent. He had been violent on occasion before but after I’d decided to leave it got much much worse. Please be careful OP, and violence doesn’t have to be hitting, it’s pushing, throwing things,poking you in the chest etc.

Are you married? If so I strongly suggest you engage a solicitor. Can you call Womens Aid or your local domestic abuse charity and get some advice from them? Getting someone like him out is going to be very difficult so you need all the help you can get. They do not go quietly.

Also, if he starts, which he no doubt will, calll the police. Even if he’s just shouting and kicking off, call them. The more you have on record the easier it will be.

make sure you get all your paperwork out of his way. Get your passports, the DC’s birth certs, any financial stuff and other papers in a safe place, preferably out of the house into a safe place. he’ll probably try to destroy things, mine certainly did.

Make sure he has no access whatsoever to your money, and if you’re married try to get all the info you can about his finances. My ex has lied and hidden assets during our divorce and it has taken me years and cost me thousands to get even a fraction of what I’m entitled to.